Me, "A Living Will of God?"

      “True love of God consists in adhering perfectly to His holy will, not desiring to do or be other than what God dictates for each of us, to the point of becoming, as it were, “a living will of God."                                                                                     Fr. Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalen, O.C.D.

     I shudder as I read Fr. Gabriel’s words. I love God and strive to truly love Him. I want to desire to live this statement, but if I’m totally honest, I silently desire my will at times. Me, “a living will of God?” Regretfully, I am not.

God, You Know the Whole of It

      “God’s love calls us to move beyond fear. We ask God for the courage to abandon ourselves unreservedly, so that we might be molded by God’s grace, even as we cannot see where the path may lead us.”                       St. Ignatius Loyola

     God’s love was calling me, no, urging me, to move beyond fear this past month since my husband’s “heart event.” And praise to God, as well as thanks to all those praying for us, I am at peace. 

He Must Increase; I Must Decrease

     “So many hours of work and now it is ruined—but it isn’t really so at all. Every stitch was taken for Jesus and was an offering of love to Him, but He wanted so much more. He wanted it all to come to nothing to see if it really was wholly for Him.”        Mother Aloysius of the Blessed Sacrament

     I like to have control. I like to be in control! That’s correct. You’ve heard right. I’ve admitted it. I’ve said it out loud in this vast blogsphere. So, writing a spiritual blog at times for me, is very difficult.

Embracing Mary, Christ's Gift from the Cross

      “Let us ask the Lord to grant us one very special grace: To love Our Lady, especially through all the work we do for Jesus, with Jesus, and to Jesus. We must ask Him to deepen our love for Mary, making it more personal and intimate. We want to: Love her as He loved her. Be a cause of joy to her as He was. Keep close to her as He did. Share everything with her, even the cross, as He did when she stood near the cross on Calvary. We must love her unconditionally, trust her fully, abandon ourselves to her totally and without reserve. Nothing is impossible to those who call Mary their mother. During the day, let us often raise our hearts to her to ask her how we can love God as she loved Him, that we, too, can love Him with her heart."                                                                                                                           Saint Teresa of Calcutta

     As I read this request of Mother Teresa’s, a smile came to my face. 

Awakened to Love

      “The Lord will give you the bread you need and the water for which you thirst. No longer will your Teacher hide Himself, but with your own eyes you shall see your Teacher, while from behind, a voice shall sound in your ears; ‘This is the way; walk in it,’ when you would turn to the right or to the left. And you shall consider unclean your silver-plated idols and your gold-covered images; you shall throw them away like filthy rags to which you say, ‘Begone!’”                  Isaiah 30: 20-22

     My heart and soul are still so full of gratitude for the great grace of “awakening” my dear Lord has granted to me. He has convicted me of the sheer madness to choose anything other than Him. 

Grief Exposed

      “We do not want you to be unaware, brothers, about those who have fallen asleep, so that you do not grieve like the rest, who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose, so too will God, through Jesus, bring with Him those who have fallen asleep.”                            1Thessalonias 4:13-14

     I was struggling! I knew Sarah was experiencing eternal life, be it purgatory or heaven, yet I was grieving in a way I had never done before. 

Avoiding Storms

  “Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in Thee my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of Thy wings, I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by.”                 Psalm 57:1

     For well over a month, I felt like I had one foot in heaven and the other on earth. I was still astonished   over the many blessings I had experienced, and my heart was full of gratitude to God. I was well aware that this would not last, but I never expected just how low I could be brought down.

A Sight for Sore Eyes

     We have all been asked to sacrifice and give up so very much since the Corona 19 virus has become a pandemic.

     I have found some things more difficult than others. Not being able to see my children, their spouses and my grandchildren, as well as family and friends, has been a great burden. The most profound sacrifice is not being able to attend Holy Mass and receive Jesus in Holy Communion!

A Time to. . .

     It’s been over four months since I’ve posted anything!

     That wasn’t exactly my plan, and to be quite honest with you, I really don’t know what is happening with Avia Joy.

     She was quite a surprise, no, a shock to me, when God placed her on my mind and heart, five years ago. I didn’t know what a blog was, let alone how to create and operate one. But I trusted God and took one step at a time, and she flourished and grew, and so did I.

     Avia Joy was born at a time in my life, when a door was slammed shut suddenly and unexpectedly! My heart felt crushed by the betrayal I was experiencing. God breathed new life into my heart, when it felt as if it were broken. God used the situation to show me that He would never forget or forsake me, but would use the situation for my good. . . and He did. He sent people into my life that would assist me in giving birth and life to Avia Joy.

     My experience taught me how to wait on the Lord and His timing, for the inspiration to write what my audience, His children, needed to hear.

     It also taught me how to let go of control, something that I still struggle to do, when God is telling me, not yet, not now, the answer is no, and, will you trust Me?

     Avia Joy has ministered to me and taught me so very much on my journey with God. It is my hope and prayer that she had helped you grow to love and trust God in a richer and fuller way.

     I am not sure if this is the end of Avia Joy or not. In my heart, I don’t want it to end. . . Not Now… Not Yet. As scripture tells us: “There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heaven. A time to give birth, and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot the plant” (Ecc 3:1-2.

     It is uncertain to me, at this time, whether or not I will be posting again. I will remain open to continuing, if it is God’s will for me at this time in my life. He has been keeping me so very busy, and blogging has not been part of the busyness. As time unfolds, it will become evident just want the good Lord is asking of me.

     Until then, let us keep one another in prayer, that we will always accept and recognize the path that God has marked out for us. Although it is not always the road we’d choose ourselves, we must remember, because it is our Papa’s will for us, is it always the path that will lead us to eternal life.

     “For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, declares the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope” (Jer 29: 11).

    

Bigger than the Hard Thing

     I can’t believe that it’s November already, but the fact that it’s been almost two months since I’ve posted on Avia Joy startles me!

     Life has been anything but “normal” these days. It seems that on many fronts, what used to be familiar and “automatic pilot” has become unfamiliar and more challenging.

Give It Up!

     “How many things I do when the soul, in so much spiritual and material need turns to Me, looks at Me and says to Me; ‘You take care of it,’ then close its eyes and rests. In pain you pray for Me to act, but that I act in the way you want. You do not turn to Me, instead, you want Me to adapt to your ideas. You are not sick people who ask the doctor to cure you, but rather sick people who tell the doctor how to. So, do not act this way, but pray as I taught you in the Our Father; ‘Hallowed be Thy Name,’ that is, be glorified in my need. ‘Thy kingdom come,’ that is, let all that is in us and in the world be in accord with Your kingdom. ‘Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven,’ that is, in our need, decide as You see fit for our temporal and eternal life. If you say to Me truly: ‘Thy will be done’ which is the same as saying: ‘You take care of it.’ I will intervene with all My omnipotence, and I will resolve the most difficult situations.”
                              Novena of Surrender to the Will of God – Day 3 – Fr. Dolindo Ruotolo


     I’ve been praying this novena daily for several years.

     Surrendering to God’s permissive and ordaining will is something with which I struggle!

     For a good number of years, I’ve been praying for a change in a particular situation in my life. The truth is, the situation has changed, but not to my liking. In fact, it has presented itself to me more frequently, in the last couple of years, and when it does, it’s like a sword is plunged into my heart!

     At those times I cry out to God and wonder why He hasn’t changed this situation as I have asked-- no begged Him to do. Over the years, I have given Him, some very good solutions to what I see as answers to the problem. But it’s becoming clear, He either doesn’t agree, or just wants me to truly surrender this to Him and trust.

     While speaking to a friend about my last experience with this hurt, I expressed that I believed God was allowing it to present itself so frequently, because He wanted to heal me. Although I thought this to be true, I wasn’t sure how to go about doing it.

     My friend informed me that I couldn’t do it at all. It was something that God would have to do for me, but I needed to be honest with myself and Him and stop being so darn lady like about it.

     I was a bit confused with her comment and asked for clarity. She said, “You’re angry about it. You keep trying to tell God what to do and how to do it. It’s clear it hasn’t changed all these years and you don’t like it. You cannot control people, their relationships and their actions. You need to begin to accept this as reality and truly give it to God. He wants you to be free and not to be hurt and wounded by this situation. We are all children of God and hopefully will one day, sit at the banquet table together in the Kingdom. Are you going to allow this situation to keep you from entering heaven? Do you want anyone shut out? Are you going to love as God does? Are you willing to take the hand of those who have hurt you and walk with them into the Kingdom of God?”

     Her words were challenging and stinging, but I could hear both love and truth in them. I knew I was at a crossroad and needed to make a decision.

     “I’m not sure I can do this. I don’t know if I want to do this. I don’t know how to do this,” I told my friend.  This wasn’t how I wanted things to be. I really didn’t want to accept it! I had justified my position for so long that it seemed right and fair, and I believed that my assessment of the situation was correct. But I knew that God was calling me to trust Him. Time to let go and truly surrender this to God, but I felt inadequate to do so.

     My friend then asked, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be healed?” I knew what the answer was and asked her for her prayers.

     Sometime after our conversation, I brought it to prayer. I told God how angry I was because He had allowed this situation to grow and hurt me even more deeply than before. I let Him know that I didn’t really like the situation, but I believed since He had allowed it and hadn’t changed it like I asked, that He wanted me to accept it. Even though part of me did not want to, something deeper inside urged me to trust that this would be the first step to my healing.

     With that thought in mind, I prayed: “Papa, I know that You love me and You only want what’s best for me. Although I judge that this situation is unfair and hurtful, You have continued to allow it. I’ve been denying my feelings of anger with You. Each time the situation hurt me, it sent me into a state of confusion about Your love for me, and over time, these feelings have grown into anger. Anger toward You and the persons involved. It’s only been lately that I’ve come to believe that You want to heal me, and free me from this pain.

    “So, with that in mind, I surrender this situation into Your hands. I forgive You and all those involved. I give You my acceptance to allow the situation to continue. I want to open my heart to all of Your children and be one with them one day in heaven. Amen.”

     After saying that prayer, I felt a heaviness or burden lift from me. It felt as if something I’d been carrying around for a long time was gone!

     That evening, as I did my quiet prayer, the Gospel hit me like a ton of bricks. Jesus said to His disciples: “Unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter into the Kingdom of heaven…  If you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Mt 5:20,23-24).

     As I read those words, it became apparent to me, although I had asked for forgiveness, I truly wasn’t sorry. I was still stuck in my righteousness. I was doing what I believed God was asking me to do for my own benefit and not because of any repentance on my part. The sacrament of reconciliation was desperately needed, if I was serious about repairing my relationship with God.

     The next day at Mass, the gift of repentance came upon me. It was as if each prayer that was prayed, each scripture read, along with the homily, were all directed to me. Tears flowed frequently and freely during Mass, as the gift of humility and compunction filled my being.

     It was a visiting priest who celebrated Mass and his words touched my mind and heart deeply. After Mass, I asked if he could hear my confession. He was free to do so.

      I was able to speak from my heart, through tears of repentance, a true confession of my sins of pride, anger and arrogance in trying to tell God what to do and not accepting His permissive will in my life. I asked for the grace to accept this situation and allow God to be God. Father gave me a penance: 7 Our Fathers and 7 Hail Mary’s to say slowly and to add between each one, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”

     He then told me to listen very intently to the words of absolution, knowing that God had freed me from my sins and wanted my healing. As I listened, tears of gratitude flowed from my eyes. I knew that God had set me on the road to freedom.

    I prayed my penance slowly and deliberately, asking God to help me to live this surrender in all aspects in my life. I know the battle isn’t over, but with God’s grace and the help of good and honest friends, it is my prayer that it will continue till my trust in God is stronger than my trust in myself!

     I will continue to pray the Surrender Novena daily because I am a sinner in need in God’s help, mercy and grace. But I am more than just a sinner, I am a Child of God, who has been redeemed by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

     “O, Jesus, I surrender myself to You, take care of everything!”   
    
    
    
    
    
    

    
 
                                                                                  

Complete Confidence

     “The Blessed Virgin teaches us to believe in our vocation to sanctity, to divine intimacy. We did believe in it when God revealed it to us in the brightness of interior light, and the words of His minister confirmed it; but we should also believe in it when we find ourselves alone, in darkness, amid difficulties that tend to disturb and discourage us. God is faithful, and He does not do things by halves: He will finish His work in us, provided we have complete confidence in Him.”                       Fr. Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalen


     When Mary said “yes” to God to become the mother of His Son, she was not handed a playbook with all the details her “yes” would entail. Once the angel Gabriel departed, she did not receive any more divine visitations revealing life’s mysteries. Mary lived by faith—as we are called to do—in the ordinary day in and day out events of her life, as they unfolded.

Just Surrender

     “Love will consume us only in the measure of our self-surrender.”
                                                                                   St. Therese of Lisieux


     As I read those words, they pierced my heart with a deep wound!

     Even though I yearn for God’s love to consume me, I am still so very filled with self-will! It is evident in the many areas of my life, where I wrestle with God’s plan because -- I want my own way!   

Powers of Distortion

     “To see another human being as he really is means to lay ourselves open to his influence. Thus when fear or dislike moves us to avoid him, this reaction is already evident in our gaze; the eye characterizes him, stifling the good, heightening the bad. We discern his intentions, make swift comparisons, and leap to conclusions. All this proceeds involuntarily, if not unconsciously (in which case our powers of distortion, uncurbed by reason, so their worst). Seeing is a protective service to the will to live. The deeper our fear or distaste of a person, the more tightly we close our eyes to him, until finally, we are incapable of perception, or the profound German word for it, Wahrnehmen: reception of truth. Then we have become blind to that particular person. This mysterious process lies behind every enmity. Discussion, preaching, explanations are utterly useless. The eye simply ceases to register what is plainly to be seen. Before there can be any change, a fundamental shift must take place in the general attitude. The mind must turn to justice, the heart expand; then only can the eye really begin to discern. Little by little the sheen of the object on which it rests strengthen its visual power, and slowing it recovers the health of the truth."                
                                                                                                      The Lord, Romano Guardini


     Unfortunately, we all experience this blindness! We are either the perpetrator or the victim. We have felt stunned, as we described in lurid detail, the actions of those with whom we struggle, as our listeners are blinded to what we see as truth! While at other times, we are the ones taken aback, by the lens with which a friend perceives someone, whom we see in an entirely different light.

Become Broken Hearted

     “This Heart is a pierced Heart. Jesus stands before us with a pierced Heart. We have seen how knowledge of God has always cost; the human heart has to be broken open before it can receive God, and thus it was with Jesus. And the deepest mystery of all is that we learn that the Father’s own Heart is pierced.
     How can we enter into this pierced Heart? Only by becoming like it, living in love at whatever cost, paying the high price of loving. Too easily we assume that loving is a pleasurable experience. Most surely it is the only sweetness in life, but this must be understood correctly. True love is always bleeding in our mortal life. You cannot have love in this life without pain.
     Just think of our own way of carrying on. We get hurt, offended. . .what do we do? Shrink into ourselves, erect all sorts of barriers. Our heart has withdrawn from the one who hurts us in any way. We mustn’t be hurt, “I matter,” our poor ego cries. But that is not how Jesus loves. If we would be like Him, we must struggle to the death with all this, refuse to curl up, refuse to withdraw in the slightest. We must go on exposing ourselves, giving ourselves, pouring ourselves out.
     We say we want to love, we want to serve, we want to give ourselves, and at bottom we are saying we want selfish satisfaction. We want to feel we matter, are important, we want to feel fulfilled; in other words, we are using others, and the beautiful concept of love is being abused. Love is selfless. The way into the Heart of Jesus is not through intellectual insight, not through glowing emotion, but through learning to pay the cost of pure love. There is sacrifice involved in letting others be themselves.”                                                                                      Sr. Ruth Borrows, O.C.D.



     As I read Sr. Ruth’s words, a memory stirred in my heart.

     “Your mission is to be the Wounded Heart.”

      I sat there many years ago, trying my best to absorb Father’s words and internalize their meaning.

A Contrite Heart

     “Avoid the little faults. Ask Me to help you to see them more clearly, in their true light, like a window in sunshine. You will not dare repeat them; you will be on the watch not to repeat them; you will be on the watch not to hurt Me. And when you notice you have done wrong, you will ask Me to forgive you. My heart has seen everything and is ready to forget, because it listens to your words of distress and humility. Oh, the power of repentance! The sacrifice that pleases Me is a contrite heart.”                                                                                                                                                                               
                                                                                                  Jesus to Gabrielle Bossis

     For months, I have been struggling with overcoming the imperfections, which God has been pointing out to me.

Gifts from the Beloved

     “My Child, please understand that the trials I send you are made to measure, exactly fitted to your power to bear them. They are favors that draw you nearer to your Beloved. Thank Me for a little trial as though it were a flower placed with tenderness on your heart by your Fiancé. Always humble yourself as if you had deserved to suffer. I am all innocence, yet I suffered everything imaginable. I will use everything for your sanctification. Do not be afraid of trials. They only help you go higher. They make you love Me more.”                                              
                                                                                               Our Lord to Gabrielle Bossis


     When I read these words of Jesus to Gabrielle, I realize how far I am from reaching holiness!

     I do not see trials as flowers placed upon my heart by my Beloved. They do not feel like they are measured to fit perfectly, but often, more than I think I can bear. They do not increase my love of God, but make me question His love. When trials strike, my heart is filled with fear. I don’t believe I deserve this particular suffering. It is not causing me to move higher, but is pulling me down instead!

An Awakening

     “We can trust our Lady’s love for us and her knowledge of God. The woman who says, Do whatever He tells you, is the girl who sang the Magnificat, rejoicing that her Son had come for our joy, and this first miracle, symbol as it is of Christ’s life in us, was not a miracle related to suffering, but one designed to give an increase of joy to the people already rejoicing. That good wine is a symbol of Christ’s life in our soul, changing our tepid, colorless human nature to the strong life-giving humanity of Christ, and giving it the power to invigorate others, to warm their hearts and minds, to kindle the life in them with Christ’s love, just as wine given to a cold weary person tones up the blood in their veins.”    
                                                                                                             Caryll Houselander


     Late last January, after meditating on the reading of the Wedding Feast of Cana, I prayed and asked Our Lady, to BEG Jesus to turn the water of my marriage into a deep rich wine. Having been inspired to make this prayer, I FELT CERTATIN that God would answer it. I just wasn’t sure how.

Ocean of Love

     “The Divine Heart is an ocean full of all good things, wherein poor souls can cast all their needs; it is an ocean full of joy to drown all our sadness, an ocean of humility to drown our folly, and ocean of mercy to those in distress, and ocean of love in which to submerge our poverty.”                                                                                                             Saint Margaret Mary


     Jesus Christ, true God and true man -- the Second Person of the Blessed Trinity, has a human heart! He loves each and every one of us, as no human person ever has or will. He loves us so much that He became man, lived on this earth, suffered a cruel death, and allowed His heart to be pierced.

Power, Wisdom and Love

    “By our belief in the Holy Trinity we acknowledge in one single God, Power, Wisdom and Love, and these three are one. Now surely, I do see what an immense effect such a doctrine must have upon life.  It is no mere question for theologians, but one that concerns every living soul. Whatever is allowed by God’s power must be guided by His wisdom and urged on by His love. All that happens to me in life, the little worries and the great anxieties, the crisis and the daily annoyances, the sorrow and the joys, the harms that reach me through the sins of others, the great cries of history, the huge and devastating wars, the partings and loves and the whole cycle of human experiences are permitted by Power which is itself wise and loving. These three Persons determine my life, and since I walk by faith, I must surely grow very patient in my attitude through life. For how can I complain or criticize God’s Providence, since it comes under the triple influence of Power, Wisdom and Love? Under the guidance, then, of this mystery, I can walk through the valley of death or the more perilous borders of sin without loss of courage or hopelessness. Nothing can make me afraid. How these are separate, but one, I do not know, nor can I reconcile in my concrete experience the claims of each. It is always a mystery, but a mystery in which I believe. Whatever Power allows on earth is designed in Wisdom and attuned by Love.”           
                                                                                Father Bede Jarrett



     As I read and pondered the words of Father Jarrett, I shook my head in awe, wonder and gratitude for the wisdom he has bequeathed to us!