Grief Exposed

      “We do not want you to be unaware, brothers, about those who have fallen asleep, so that you do not grieve like the rest, who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose, so too will God, through Jesus, bring with Him those who have fallen asleep.”                            1Thessalonias 4:13-14

     I was struggling! I knew Sarah was experiencing eternal life, be it purgatory or heaven, yet I was grieving in a way I had never done before. 

     In my head, I knew she was closer to me than she had ever been. I spoke to her often and did not hesitate to ask for her intercession for matters near and dear to my heart. But I felt lost. I could not concentrate. I was easily distracted. I could not feel any joy around me. 

     It was midway through Advent, when the readings are so rich with abundance and hope, yet my heart was heavy and weighed down in grief. I tried as I could to ignore it, yet grief remained.

     I had never experienced this type of grief. Sure, I felt very sad and cried at the loss of loved ones who had already gone before me, but there was always that feeling of hope of what lay ahead for them. 

     Was it because Sarah and I were so close? I knew her longer than anyone else, at this point. We had shared a bedroom for the first 20 years of my life. We got married in the same year, raised children together, shared joys and sorrows our whole lives, shared our faith journey, and many of life’s events. 

     Even with all of that, I expected to feel happy for her. I was happy for her, but the feeling part was lacking. I wanted to move on but felt stuck.

     I began to bring my questions to God in prayer. Why am I feeling this way? Why can’t I lift myself or talk myself out of this? What am I missing? I wanted to grieve as I usually did. Why is this different? 

     As I continued on my quest to receive answers, different thoughts began to surface.

     I was supposed to have seen her again. It was a little more than a week from my planned visit when everything changed. I wish I had gone sooner. Sarah promised me that I’d see her again here. This wasn’t supposed to happen this way. I won’t get to see her again till the next life. I am angry!

     It suddenly became very clear to me that my grief was different because I was grieving the visit that never happened. Afterall, Sarah had promised me, and she wouldn’t break her promise. She sounded so sure and certain about it when I saw her last. This wasn’t supposed to be the way things turned out.  

     I was angry with Sarah. Angry with God. Angry with myself for even thinking and feeling this way. Who was I to question God’s permissive and ordaining will? I also felt selfish and guilty.

     Sarah’s husband, children and grandchildren lost much more than I did. How could I even think like this? Yet it was my truth, my reality, my feelings and I knew deep down that until I was honest with them, I would remain stuck in my grief.

     I turned my thoughts to God. “Papa, I’m angry with You because You took Sarah before I got to see her again. I didn’t even get to talk with her that day. I thought we’d have more time. I didn’t want it to turn out this way…so sudden and unexpected. I need to be honest with You, Papa and know I cannot move on until that happens. I feel like I have a hole in my heart that I’m trying to fill with everything but You. Please help me to be open to the grace to accept what has happened and be truly happy for Sarah.” 

     I then turned in prayer to Sarah. “Sarah, I know you didn’t have any control of what happened when you left us. It had to take you by surprise also. Although a part of me is happy for you that this is all behind you, there is a part of me that feels angry that all of us are stuck with the worldly struggles and problems and you are so blessed to be free from these worries."

      Again, I felt so selfish thinking that way, but I was weary and tired, and I too wanted to be free from all life’s burdens, and I wanted it now.

     I knew my thoughts and feelings were outlandish, but that is where I was on my journey with grief.

     As I sat in prayer, another thought entered my mind. I needed to forgive. I needed to forgive Papa, Sarah and myself. This was the next step in the process, along with bringing it all to the Sacrament of Reconciliation, but this must come first.

     “Papa, please forgive me for my anger with You for taking Sarah. You had been so generous in extending her time with us for so much longer than we expected. It’s just that it happened so suddenly and unexpectedly. You had given me warning ahead of time that it could happen that way, and I’m grateful for that. It’s just when it did happen, I really wasn’t ready. It was so close to my visit, and I wanted that so much to happen. I’m sorry for my reaction Papa. Please forgive me and help me to accept this great loss and to feel truly happy for Sarah. Thank you for the gift of her and our close relationship for all these years!”

     Next came Sarah. “My dear Sarah, please forgive me for being angry with you for breaking your promise to me. I know you had no control of it at all. It’s just that I wanted to spend more time with you, but truth be told, would I have ever been satisfied even if I had gotten to visit you once more? I probably would have wanted another visit. I hope you are in heaven enjoying God’s presence. I can’t even imagine what it is like. Please give Mom, Dad, Yoana, Unc and all of our loved ones my love and make sure you give St. Therese a big hug from me. Continue to intercede for us all and send us signs of your presence in our lives. I love you and look forward to seeing you again one day.”

     I felt so much better. 

     I asked Papa to help me to make a good confession and to ready my heart, making room for Jesus to come in on Christmas morning. I wanted to rid my heart of all the clutter, most especially the unforgiveness, and allow my heart to shine. Help me Lord, to bring the darkness of my heart into Your holy and healing light. I then gave thanks and praise to God, as I sat in His Presence receiving His generous love.

     Hope restored!

     “Precious in the eyes of the Lord is the death of His faithful ones. O Lord, I am Your servant, the son of Your handmaid; You have loosed my bonds.”                                   Psalm 116:15-16