Me, "A Living Will of God?"

      “True love of God consists in adhering perfectly to His holy will, not desiring to do or be other than what God dictates for each of us, to the point of becoming, as it were, “a living will of God."                                                                                     Fr. Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalen, O.C.D.

     I shudder as I read Fr. Gabriel’s words. I love God and strive to truly love Him. I want to desire to live this statement, but if I’m totally honest, I silently desire my will at times. Me, “a living will of God?” Regretfully, I am not.

     For instance, it’s been almost 4 months since I’ve written my last post (His will, not mine). I have sat down at times trying to write, only to come up empty. But it’s not like I haven’t been writing. I have been working on word documents and lots of paperwork for my new role in my Carmelite community. I feel honored and blessed to be able to carry out my Carmelite vocation in a fuller way. I am also humbled to have access to the spiritual journey of others, as God calls them closer to Himself. I have given God my wholehearted yes and will do my best to fulfill His call.

      I have also been working independently with a design editor for sacrament stories for children, hoping to present them to a publisher at some point in the near future. Working on the stories has been both challenging and delightful. I’m amazed at the work of the Holy Spirit as the stories have changed and developed in ways I hadn’t imagined.

     During this time there have been doctor’s appointments, time with family and friends, and trying to keep up with all the ordinary chores and commitments life brings our way. 

     There have been special moments, watching my grandchildren grow and blossom, as they navigate the next stage in their lives, sharing deep spiritual insights with dear friends, and planning a pilgrimage to France that I’m hoping to experience in the fall.        

     But mixed among all of these, have been events that have challenged me and made me want to hide.  I felt fragile and unable and unwilling to handle yet another difficult situation. I wanted something more to my liking. Instead of depending on God’s grace, and asking for strength and perseverance, I prayed that life could be easier. My will, not His. I do not want to be like this, but I am self-centered. I must be honest and enter the cell of self-knowledge.

     As I grow older, it becomes more and more evident, that as much as I have tried to die to my own will and accept God’s will, with a generous spirit, I inwardly rebel. “If we take happiness from God’s hand, must we not take sorrow too?” Job 2:10. It’s clear, I easily accept the good. Why do I not trust my loving Papa to give me all I need to become the woman He has called me to be from all eternity? 

       I would have never described myself as selfish or self-centered, but it seems to be a consistent part of my sacramental confession.

     At times I feel like I am helpless to change. And truth be told, I am. I expect to be able to do it “all by myself,” and it’s evident that I have failed miserably. Pride has reared its ugly head, masquerading as self-confidence and wisdom. I fool myself into believing I know better than God and how my life and the lives of my loved ones should play out. I am full of pride and arrogance, too blind to see it. But in His great love and mercy, our good God brings it to my attention. The realization initially brings shame and sorrow – more for myself than for offending my loving Papa. Thanks be to God, I soon realize my self focus and turn my sorrow towards God, where it rightfully belongs. I ask for His forgiveness for not trusting Him and for my false confidence in myself. It is clear, I am not doing as well spiritually as I thought. This thought brings me shame when it should not. I am far from perfect and God knows that and loves me anyway. I must come to love myself and not just the parts that I deem as good. I must admit to and own my imperfections and allow them to help me to grow in humility and holiness. I need to be firm, gentle and honest with myself, and stop beating myself up for lack of perfection.

      St. Therese embraced her faults and her failings. She used them as a way to win God’s heart. I know all of this, yet I seem to forget when I’m in the midst of my struggle to overcome myself.  I must begin to be prudent and use them for my good.

     “Jesus’ heart thrills with joy when He has to deal with all those who truly love, and who after each little fault come to fling themselves into His arms imploring forgiveness.” Therese knew and accepted her littleness and wasn’t surprised when fell. She was humble and ran to Jesus instead of to something that could not or would not satisfy her.

     I must learn to be patient and accept my faults and failings. I should not expect to change overnight but not use it as an excuse to quit trying. Like Therese, “Always keep lifting your foot to climb the ladder of holiness, and do not even imagine you can mount the first step. All God asks of you is good will.”

     God’s will IS the path to sanctity and receiving it fully is true proof of our love for God.  I know this as a Secular Carmelite. It is the road to sainthood. I’ve been praying a lot lately for Papa to give me the heart of Jesus. I’ve asked Him to remove my stony, stubborn heart and replace it with the heart of Jesus or Mary. Their whole life was to do the will of the Father. 

     I want to grow past reluctantly doing and accepting His will, to generously doing and accepting His will. Maybe my heart isn’t the only thing that needs to be transformed. My will is in dire straits. I need to begin to ask Papa for the will of Jesus and Mary to be implanted deep within my soul. I need a transplant of my will so that I may stop resisting and receive all that Papa sends my way…the easy and the difficult. I do want to become a “living will,” and not desire to do or be or experience anything other than what God indicates for me. 

     “The more joyfully souls do His will, the greater their perfection.”  St. Therese

     “Whoever does the will of My Father in heaven, he is my brother, and sister, and mother” Matt. 12:50.

     Let us together embrace the Father’s will and claim our special place in the Family of God.