He Must Increase; I Must Decrease

     “So many hours of work and now it is ruined—but it isn’t really so at all. Every stitch was taken for Jesus and was an offering of love to Him, but He wanted so much more. He wanted it all to come to nothing to see if it really was wholly for Him.”        Mother Aloysius of the Blessed Sacrament

     I like to have control. I like to be in control! That’s correct. You’ve heard right. I’ve admitted it. I’ve said it out loud in this vast blogsphere. So, writing a spiritual blog at times for me, is very difficult.

     I do not have total control of any of this. God does.

     He gives me the inspiration, the ideas, a specific word that I’m not always familiar with, scripture verses, and then after the first draft, different things He’d like me to add.

     I go back to the post and add, delete and re-read everything, hoping it all makes sense.

     I then depend upon one of my two editors to help me to tweak it before publishing, which often doesn’t fit into the time frame I had in mind. Let’s face it, they have a life outside of helping me with a new post…and the sun will come up even if the post has to wait a day or two to be published.

     I find it hard to believe that being a mother of five children, with a husband who is “on call” day or night for the last 50 years, would entertain the idea of ever having control over anyone or anything!

     And I truly know that I don’t. Much like yours, my day can still change abruptly, and I can be into plan G before long. In many ways out of necessity, I’ve learned to roll with the punches, but there are still times when I just don’t…and I don’t care to either. I want everything to go on schedule. I want it to happen in a timely matter. I want order!     

     For the past 6 months, things have been moving along relatively well with writing. God had filled me with ideas, opened the time and was being fairly regular about “showing up.”

     I, of course, was delighted and was happy to cooperate. It seemed like there was a rhythm to it and for the most part, I felt in-sync with God’s timing.

     There would be an occasional glitch that I’d experience every now and then, but I usually didn’t lose my peace over it. I took it as a little reminder from Papa that this was “His” baby, not mine. I had my part, and He had His. I needed to look toward Him and follow His lead and not think I was the one in control.

     So, what happened if I feel the need to write about this particular subject? What changed in my mindset with the blog?

     Several days ago, I began to receive two different inspirations about a topic on which to write. It was getting close to a week since I had published the last post and I had the time, so I thought I’d give it a shot. 

     I started to gather my thoughts on the first idea and was doing what I usually do when I write. I pray and listen for guidance and direction. 

     I could feel myself becoming frustrated. I didn’t like the direction it was going. It just was not working, and I did not see it being “the one.”

     Okay. Let’s try inspiration #2. 

     Once again, I prayed for guidance and direction and began to write. It felt strained and forced. I could not make it work. It didn’t flow. I felt like I was just rambling. 

     I felt quite annoyed with myself! I was upset with the time I had wasted. There were certainly other things I could have done instead of writing that went nowhere. And the funny thing about it all was that the second subject I had written on, disappeared somewhere on my computer and I could not even retrieve it to see if it was worth salvaging for another time.

     I was very worked up! I could not gain the time I had lost. My time was very precious to me. I had done what I thought God was asking me to do, yet I came up empty handed. I almost felt like I had been tricked into writing because it seemed like it usually does when I follow what I thought was God’s lead. I felt confused.

     Before I had begun to write, I had spoken with both friends who help me edit and asked for their prayers for direction and guidance. They both had texted me at some point, to see how it was going. 

     I expressed my frustration and annoyance with my fruitless effort. They both seemed pretty much at peace with it, reminding me that it would come when it was time. 

     I needed to continue to cooperate to the promptings I received. Afterall, I did do what I believed God was asking of me. Was it really a waste of time?

     As I thought about it, I replied that obedience is always what I’m called to do. How God uses my time, is really up to Him. Maybe He is trying to remind me that He is the one leading and I’m just His instrument. He calls me and I am to trust Him to use that time as He sees best. My life and my time are His. God’s focus is not on the blog, but on using it to bring myself and others to sanctity. Only He knows the way to bring that about…I certainly do not! I got stuck on the fact that it seemed so easy these past 6 months and maybe this was a lesson He knew I needed to learn. 

     God the Father once told St. Catherine of Siena that He is God, and she is not. This is something I need to remind myself over and over again. I can do my best to try to orchestrate things, be prepared and organize life the way I’d like it to be, but I do not have the power to make that happen… I’m truly grateful that I do not. I have no idea of how the next moment will unfold, let alone the months and years that lie ahead. 

     I have to continue to look to God and be obedient to whatever it is that I believe He is asking me to do and allow Him to handle the results. My time is never wasted when I am doing what I think He is asking me to do. I must try my best to surrender the results to God and regain or remain in peace. 

     Papa is using the blog to teach me life lessons. It’s not just about writing, but about everything in my life and relationship with Him: love, trust, surrender and obedience. 

     I give God glory by always trying my best, doing what I believe He’s asking me to do, and allow Him to bring the best results from the effort I put forth. 

     What matters is that I am faithful to following His will. 

     That is what Jesus did. It is what He lived to do. It is what He died doing. 

     “My food is to do the will of the One who sent Me, and to finish His work” John 4:34.

     Jesus did not look like a success when He died upon the cross: His own apostle handed Him over, His people had rejected Him, His apostles had all fled but one, He hung between two criminals. 

     But this was Jesus’ triumph! He overcame the “no” of Adam, by His own “yes” to His Father and destroyed death and sin. He opened the gates of heaven to us, enabling us to one day, return to the Father and be reunited with Him.

     Even when I finish my work with a blank page or lose it somewhere on my computer because of my own failing, I must always remember to begin my task by making “every stitch for Jesus as an offering of love for Him,” and allow Him to do with it whatever He wills.

     “Though I thought I had toiled I vain, and for nothing, uselessly, spent my strength, yet my reward is with the Lord, my recompense is with my God” Isaiah 49:4.