“Be on guard so that your hearts are not weighed down with the worries of this life.”
Luke 21:34
Thanksgiving was behind me.
Advent was quickly approaching.
My prayer: My God, on what do You want me to focus in order for my heart and mind to be ready for Jesus on Christmas morning?
You may not realize it, but I like to have a plan and not waste any time, whipping myself into spiritual shape. God knew what He was doing in not having me born during the times of hair shirts and self-flagellation!
Each time I brought this thought to prayer, I got the sense that God wanted me to work on becoming gentler and more patient ABOUT myself. “That’s a novel thought. Doesn’t sound too difficult! Maybe it’s not from God… I’ll keep asking.”
But the answer did not change. It remained the same: be gentler with yourself and more patient. “Hmm. I guess this IS what He wants.”
As I thought and prayed about God’s answer, it became clear that the past twenty-two months have been pretty intense. Truth be told, as I pondered more fully, it became evident that I have not given myself a break! When my different faults and foibles were revealed to me in either prayer, or in life situations, I was sent into a panic! It was all up to me to change, and to do it quickly! I went to work, doing I what I could to remedy my behavior. I expected far too much from myself and wanted to eradicate the imperfections that I saw right then and there. I searched for books to help, spent time in prayer and talked to family members and friends. I also spent time before Our Lord Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, hoping He would heal me of all my brokenness. I wanted to fix it, take control of the situation and become
that woman God has called me to be from all eternity, without any more delay!
To my surprise, this is not the route God is purposing. God is calling me to slow down. Take a deep breath and accept both His help, as well as His timing. He is calling me to stop the frantic pace of having to be perfect. Perfection was not His idea, but mine. Ugh!
Why was I trying so hard? After all, intellectually, I knew I was far from perfect, but when all of my imperfections were revealed to me, my reaction said otherwise. I didn’t want to take the slow, sometimes painful, long road and journey to change. I wanted to be on the fast track and just arrive. Well, maybe not just arrive. I was willing to do the hard work that was involved, but I wanted it to be over in a timely fashion.
Unbeknown to me, I had let my heart get weighed down with the worries of my life, trying to fix myself. I am not the Potter, He is!
God has impressed on my heart that becoming THAT woman, will take a lifetime and possibly, some time in purgatory as well! It
will take my cooperation, but is
His work and
timeline. I still need to be alert to His promptings and grace, and open myself to His design.
This will
still involve prayer, receiving the Sacraments of the Eucharist and Penance, time before the Blessed Sacrament, asking for His healing for my own woundedness, spiritual reading, as well as speaking with family and friends about cares and concerns, as they present themselves. I will still try to practice all the lessons He has taught me these past number of months and stay His course. But my attitude with my effort will be quite different. I will stop trying so hard, believing it is ALL UP TO ME! I will also have to remind myself that I do not have the timeline by which it HAS to happen! Only the good Lord knows when He will be calling me home.
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As Advent begins, please join me on a journey. I am traveling with Mary and Joseph. Mary is very pregnant with my sweet Jesus, so I cannot be in a hurry. I must go at their pace and not my own.
I will spend time speaking with St. Joseph, seeking the wisdom of his good counsel and direction. I will turn to him when I’m unsure of which direction to take. With his gifts, wisdom and manly care, the Holy Family arrived at their destination. He will help me to do the same.
When I’m feeling weary of the journey, I will climb up on the donkey with Mary, and wrap my arms around Her. I’ll allow myself to be comforted by Her words, as well as
The Word, safe within Her womb. I’ll speak to Her, heart to Heart, as one does to such a precious Mother. I’ll let Her nurture me with Her presence, as well as the presence of Her Son.
This Advent, and hopefully beyond, I will allow myself the luxury, of slowing down and being gentler and patient with myself. I will breath in God’s love and acceptance of
Whose I am, receiving it, so I
can become who He sees when He looks so lovingly at me.
I will try my best not to allow my heart to be weighed down by the worries and burdens of life, and instead, make room for Jesus to reside there.
“May the God of peace Himself make you perfectly holy and my you entirely, spirit, soul, and body, be preserved blameless for the coming of Our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and He will also accomplish it” (2 Thes:23-24).