Give It Up!

     “How many things I do when the soul, in so much spiritual and material need turns to Me, looks at Me and says to Me; ‘You take care of it,’ then close its eyes and rests. In pain you pray for Me to act, but that I act in the way you want. You do not turn to Me, instead, you want Me to adapt to your ideas. You are not sick people who ask the doctor to cure you, but rather sick people who tell the doctor how to. So, do not act this way, but pray as I taught you in the Our Father; ‘Hallowed be Thy Name,’ that is, be glorified in my need. ‘Thy kingdom come,’ that is, let all that is in us and in the world be in accord with Your kingdom. ‘Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven,’ that is, in our need, decide as You see fit for our temporal and eternal life. If you say to Me truly: ‘Thy will be done’ which is the same as saying: ‘You take care of it.’ I will intervene with all My omnipotence, and I will resolve the most difficult situations.”
                              Novena of Surrender to the Will of God – Day 3 – Fr. Dolindo Ruotolo


     I’ve been praying this novena daily for several years.

     Surrendering to God’s permissive and ordaining will is something with which I struggle!

     For a good number of years, I’ve been praying for a change in a particular situation in my life. The truth is, the situation has changed, but not to my liking. In fact, it has presented itself to me more frequently, in the last couple of years, and when it does, it’s like a sword is plunged into my heart!

     At those times I cry out to God and wonder why He hasn’t changed this situation as I have asked-- no begged Him to do. Over the years, I have given Him, some very good solutions to what I see as answers to the problem. But it’s becoming clear, He either doesn’t agree, or just wants me to truly surrender this to Him and trust.

     While speaking to a friend about my last experience with this hurt, I expressed that I believed God was allowing it to present itself so frequently, because He wanted to heal me. Although I thought this to be true, I wasn’t sure how to go about doing it.

     My friend informed me that I couldn’t do it at all. It was something that God would have to do for me, but I needed to be honest with myself and Him and stop being so darn lady like about it.

     I was a bit confused with her comment and asked for clarity. She said, “You’re angry about it. You keep trying to tell God what to do and how to do it. It’s clear it hasn’t changed all these years and you don’t like it. You cannot control people, their relationships and their actions. You need to begin to accept this as reality and truly give it to God. He wants you to be free and not to be hurt and wounded by this situation. We are all children of God and hopefully will one day, sit at the banquet table together in the Kingdom. Are you going to allow this situation to keep you from entering heaven? Do you want anyone shut out? Are you going to love as God does? Are you willing to take the hand of those who have hurt you and walk with them into the Kingdom of God?”

     Her words were challenging and stinging, but I could hear both love and truth in them. I knew I was at a crossroad and needed to make a decision.

     “I’m not sure I can do this. I don’t know if I want to do this. I don’t know how to do this,” I told my friend.  This wasn’t how I wanted things to be. I really didn’t want to accept it! I had justified my position for so long that it seemed right and fair, and I believed that my assessment of the situation was correct. But I knew that God was calling me to trust Him. Time to let go and truly surrender this to God, but I felt inadequate to do so.

     My friend then asked, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be healed?” I knew what the answer was and asked her for her prayers.

     Sometime after our conversation, I brought it to prayer. I told God how angry I was because He had allowed this situation to grow and hurt me even more deeply than before. I let Him know that I didn’t really like the situation, but I believed since He had allowed it and hadn’t changed it like I asked, that He wanted me to accept it. Even though part of me did not want to, something deeper inside urged me to trust that this would be the first step to my healing.

     With that thought in mind, I prayed: “Papa, I know that You love me and You only want what’s best for me. Although I judge that this situation is unfair and hurtful, You have continued to allow it. I’ve been denying my feelings of anger with You. Each time the situation hurt me, it sent me into a state of confusion about Your love for me, and over time, these feelings have grown into anger. Anger toward You and the persons involved. It’s only been lately that I’ve come to believe that You want to heal me, and free me from this pain.

    “So, with that in mind, I surrender this situation into Your hands. I forgive You and all those involved. I give You my acceptance to allow the situation to continue. I want to open my heart to all of Your children and be one with them one day in heaven. Amen.”

     After saying that prayer, I felt a heaviness or burden lift from me. It felt as if something I’d been carrying around for a long time was gone!

     That evening, as I did my quiet prayer, the Gospel hit me like a ton of bricks. Jesus said to His disciples: “Unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter into the Kingdom of heaven…  If you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Mt 5:20,23-24).

     As I read those words, it became apparent to me, although I had asked for forgiveness, I truly wasn’t sorry. I was still stuck in my righteousness. I was doing what I believed God was asking me to do for my own benefit and not because of any repentance on my part. The sacrament of reconciliation was desperately needed, if I was serious about repairing my relationship with God.

     The next day at Mass, the gift of repentance came upon me. It was as if each prayer that was prayed, each scripture read, along with the homily, were all directed to me. Tears flowed frequently and freely during Mass, as the gift of humility and compunction filled my being.

     It was a visiting priest who celebrated Mass and his words touched my mind and heart deeply. After Mass, I asked if he could hear my confession. He was free to do so.

      I was able to speak from my heart, through tears of repentance, a true confession of my sins of pride, anger and arrogance in trying to tell God what to do and not accepting His permissive will in my life. I asked for the grace to accept this situation and allow God to be God. Father gave me a penance: 7 Our Fathers and 7 Hail Mary’s to say slowly and to add between each one, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”

     He then told me to listen very intently to the words of absolution, knowing that God had freed me from my sins and wanted my healing. As I listened, tears of gratitude flowed from my eyes. I knew that God had set me on the road to freedom.

    I prayed my penance slowly and deliberately, asking God to help me to live this surrender in all aspects in my life. I know the battle isn’t over, but with God’s grace and the help of good and honest friends, it is my prayer that it will continue till my trust in God is stronger than my trust in myself!

     I will continue to pray the Surrender Novena daily because I am a sinner in need in God’s help, mercy and grace. But I am more than just a sinner, I am a Child of God, who has been redeemed by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

     “O, Jesus, I surrender myself to You, take care of everything!”   
    
    
    
    
    
    

    
 
                                                                                  

Mea Culpa!

     “God, give me the Lent I need, not necessarily the Lent I want,” was my prayer on Ash Wednesday. God IS faithful; He answered my prayer. He is using this time to show me how to conquer the flaws with which I struggle. Weeks before Lent God began to teach me lessons in faith and trust. As I entered the desert of Lent, He has allowed circumstances in my life to unfold to give me practice in these areas.

     “Oh, that today you would hear His voice, harden not your hearts” (Psalm 95:7b).

The Fixer

     “Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.”  
                                                                                                                Hebrews 11: 1


     I have been struggling lately with issues of control.

     From the time I was a little girl, because of situations which I could not control, I became “The Fixer.” Now, I’m not sure if anyone else saw me as such, but it was my way of coping or dealing with difficult situations. It was an identity that I saw as useful and helpful and clung to it tightly, believing it to be a “good thing.”

That Mary Thing

     My head and heart were in another world, as I strolled through the store. Our parish May Procession had been the previous day and I was overflowing with love for Our Lady.

     The music, the prayers, the multitude of young and old alike, lifting their hearts and minds to God in praise and thanksgiving for His Mother, filled my being with joy! The hymns that were sung stirred childhood memories which brought sweet tears to my eyes. I was grateful to God for the gift of His Mother and the love that we've shared all these years.

Everything Matters

     A dear friend had asked for my help in choosing a comforter set for her master bedroom. I loved to decorate and considered it one of my gifts from God. I quickly said “yes,” and we were off to see what we could find.

     As we sat in the store’s parking lot, I suggested we pray that God would lead us to the set He had waiting for us. As we proceeded into the store, I grabbed a shopping cart. My friend was surprised at my audacity in believing that our cart would be filled. I remember telling her, “you always know your item is from God, when it’s both beautiful and a good price!” We both laughed and walked over to the comforters.

Live the Song in Your Heart

     “A FRIEND is someone who knows the song in your heart

 and

 sings it back to you when you have forgotten how it goes.”

     We have all experienced times when life has beaten us down. When we don’t have the initiative to take the next step or even know what the next step is. The road ahead seems endless with no oasis in sight. We feel like we are a failure and don’t believe we are up for any task.

An unexpected gift

     My husband and I were out to dinner, and thoughts of an upcoming retreat kept popping into my mind. I dismissed the thought, since I had not planned to attend and it was less than a week away. I also assumed that most likely it was filled, since it was being given by renowned Directors. But there it was again! I could not get this thought out of my mind. I began to wonder if I was supposed to attend.

     Wanting to put this question to rest, I finally succumbed to the nagging, and casually mentioned it to my husband.  He was quite agreeable to the idea and told me to look into it. I called on Monday morning and was delighted to learn that they had extended the number of attendees and I could be part of it. I asked if I would be able to stay there, or would I need to commute? That answer was uncertain and they would let me know. I knew that I needed to trust that if God had worked this out so far, He would continue to work things out for my best interest.