The Jig Was Up!

     As Truth stood before me, I could not deny His presence. His gaze penetrated my heart and soul. Although I knew “the jig was up,” there was a part of me that felt grateful and relieved. I did not want to be like “the rich young man and walk away sad,” but own my actions and ask for God’s mercy.

     Since my last “awakening,” I had been trying so very hard, “to sell everything in order to buy the Pearl of Great Price.” I felt determined to rid myself of all inordinate attachments and stop hindering my progress of union with God. I did not want to settle for baubles any longer when I could acquire THE Pearl of Great Price. I really believed I could do it this time, but I was mistaken.

Silence, Please!!!

     “It is so hard to be silent, silent with my mouth, but even with my heart. There is so much talking going on within me. It seems that I am always involved with inner debates with myself, my friends, my supporters, my opponents, my colleagues, and my rivals. But this inner debate reveals how far my heart is from You. If I were to simply rest at Your feet and realize that I belong to You and to You alone, I would stop arguing with all the real and imagined people around me. These arguments show my insecurity, my fear, my apprehensions. You, O Lord, will give me all the attention I need if I would simply stop talking and start listening to You. I know that in the silence of my heat You will speak to me and show me Your love. Give me, O Lord, that silence. Let me be patient and grow slowly into this silence in which I can be with You. Amen. Henri Nouwen

     As I read Henri Nowen’s words, I felt stunned! Stunned like finding a hidden chest, filled with pertinent, life-changing information: about myself, about what I was doing, about how I was robbing my soul of God’s peace and presence. Until those words penetrated my mind and heart, I was totally unaware of the damage I was inflicting upon myself and my relationship with God. But once I knew -- I could not know. From the depths of my heart and soul, I knew instinctively, that I needed desperately to change my behavior…. A practice I had engaged in, probably, for most of my life. Although this would be difficult, I saw it as a graced moment from God, sent to me by a dear Friend, via email.

Give It Up!

     “How many things I do when the soul, in so much spiritual and material need turns to Me, looks at Me and says to Me; ‘You take care of it,’ then close its eyes and rests. In pain you pray for Me to act, but that I act in the way you want. You do not turn to Me, instead, you want Me to adapt to your ideas. You are not sick people who ask the doctor to cure you, but rather sick people who tell the doctor how to. So, do not act this way, but pray as I taught you in the Our Father; ‘Hallowed be Thy Name,’ that is, be glorified in my need. ‘Thy kingdom come,’ that is, let all that is in us and in the world be in accord with Your kingdom. ‘Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven,’ that is, in our need, decide as You see fit for our temporal and eternal life. If you say to Me truly: ‘Thy will be done’ which is the same as saying: ‘You take care of it.’ I will intervene with all My omnipotence, and I will resolve the most difficult situations.”
                              Novena of Surrender to the Will of God – Day 3 – Fr. Dolindo Ruotolo


     I’ve been praying this novena daily for several years.

     Surrendering to God’s permissive and ordaining will is something with which I struggle!

     For a good number of years, I’ve been praying for a change in a particular situation in my life. The truth is, the situation has changed, but not to my liking. In fact, it has presented itself to me more frequently, in the last couple of years, and when it does, it’s like a sword is plunged into my heart!

     At those times I cry out to God and wonder why He hasn’t changed this situation as I have asked-- no begged Him to do. Over the years, I have given Him, some very good solutions to what I see as answers to the problem. But it’s becoming clear, He either doesn’t agree, or just wants me to truly surrender this to Him and trust.

     While speaking to a friend about my last experience with this hurt, I expressed that I believed God was allowing it to present itself so frequently, because He wanted to heal me. Although I thought this to be true, I wasn’t sure how to go about doing it.

     My friend informed me that I couldn’t do it at all. It was something that God would have to do for me, but I needed to be honest with myself and Him and stop being so darn lady like about it.

     I was a bit confused with her comment and asked for clarity. She said, “You’re angry about it. You keep trying to tell God what to do and how to do it. It’s clear it hasn’t changed all these years and you don’t like it. You cannot control people, their relationships and their actions. You need to begin to accept this as reality and truly give it to God. He wants you to be free and not to be hurt and wounded by this situation. We are all children of God and hopefully will one day, sit at the banquet table together in the Kingdom. Are you going to allow this situation to keep you from entering heaven? Do you want anyone shut out? Are you going to love as God does? Are you willing to take the hand of those who have hurt you and walk with them into the Kingdom of God?”

     Her words were challenging and stinging, but I could hear both love and truth in them. I knew I was at a crossroad and needed to make a decision.

     “I’m not sure I can do this. I don’t know if I want to do this. I don’t know how to do this,” I told my friend.  This wasn’t how I wanted things to be. I really didn’t want to accept it! I had justified my position for so long that it seemed right and fair, and I believed that my assessment of the situation was correct. But I knew that God was calling me to trust Him. Time to let go and truly surrender this to God, but I felt inadequate to do so.

     My friend then asked, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be healed?” I knew what the answer was and asked her for her prayers.

     Sometime after our conversation, I brought it to prayer. I told God how angry I was because He had allowed this situation to grow and hurt me even more deeply than before. I let Him know that I didn’t really like the situation, but I believed since He had allowed it and hadn’t changed it like I asked, that He wanted me to accept it. Even though part of me did not want to, something deeper inside urged me to trust that this would be the first step to my healing.

     With that thought in mind, I prayed: “Papa, I know that You love me and You only want what’s best for me. Although I judge that this situation is unfair and hurtful, You have continued to allow it. I’ve been denying my feelings of anger with You. Each time the situation hurt me, it sent me into a state of confusion about Your love for me, and over time, these feelings have grown into anger. Anger toward You and the persons involved. It’s only been lately that I’ve come to believe that You want to heal me, and free me from this pain.

    “So, with that in mind, I surrender this situation into Your hands. I forgive You and all those involved. I give You my acceptance to allow the situation to continue. I want to open my heart to all of Your children and be one with them one day in heaven. Amen.”

     After saying that prayer, I felt a heaviness or burden lift from me. It felt as if something I’d been carrying around for a long time was gone!

     That evening, as I did my quiet prayer, the Gospel hit me like a ton of bricks. Jesus said to His disciples: “Unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter into the Kingdom of heaven…  If you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Mt 5:20,23-24).

     As I read those words, it became apparent to me, although I had asked for forgiveness, I truly wasn’t sorry. I was still stuck in my righteousness. I was doing what I believed God was asking me to do for my own benefit and not because of any repentance on my part. The sacrament of reconciliation was desperately needed, if I was serious about repairing my relationship with God.

     The next day at Mass, the gift of repentance came upon me. It was as if each prayer that was prayed, each scripture read, along with the homily, were all directed to me. Tears flowed frequently and freely during Mass, as the gift of humility and compunction filled my being.

     It was a visiting priest who celebrated Mass and his words touched my mind and heart deeply. After Mass, I asked if he could hear my confession. He was free to do so.

      I was able to speak from my heart, through tears of repentance, a true confession of my sins of pride, anger and arrogance in trying to tell God what to do and not accepting His permissive will in my life. I asked for the grace to accept this situation and allow God to be God. Father gave me a penance: 7 Our Fathers and 7 Hail Mary’s to say slowly and to add between each one, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”

     He then told me to listen very intently to the words of absolution, knowing that God had freed me from my sins and wanted my healing. As I listened, tears of gratitude flowed from my eyes. I knew that God had set me on the road to freedom.

    I prayed my penance slowly and deliberately, asking God to help me to live this surrender in all aspects in my life. I know the battle isn’t over, but with God’s grace and the help of good and honest friends, it is my prayer that it will continue till my trust in God is stronger than my trust in myself!

     I will continue to pray the Surrender Novena daily because I am a sinner in need in God’s help, mercy and grace. But I am more than just a sinner, I am a Child of God, who has been redeemed by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

     “O, Jesus, I surrender myself to You, take care of everything!”   
    
    
    
    
    
    

    
 
                                                                                  

God's Gift of Peace

     While on retreat, after soaking in the realization of God’s love for me, I remembered the scripture my director had suggested I bring to prayer: “For I know well the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call Me, when you go to pray to Me, I will listen to you. When you look for Me, you will find Me. Yes, when you seek Me with all your heart, you will find Me with you, says the Lord and I will change your lot”
(Jer 29:11-13).

     I wanted so much to hold onto the truth of God’s constant, never changing love for me. I did not want to allow life’s disappointments or my unmet expectations, to be the measuring stick with which I determined God’s love.

Delighting in Last Place

     “Among all the creatures in which we take pleasure and toward which our nature seems to be attracted the most, self undoubtedly holds the first place. There is no one, no matter how limited in talents and good qualities, who does not love his own excellence, and who does not try, in one way or another, to make it shine forth to himself and to others. It is for this reason that we often spontaneously exaggerate our own worth, and as a result are demanding and pretentious. This makes us haughty and arrogant, as well as difficult in our relations with others. Humility is the virtue which keeps within just limits the love of one’s own excellence. Whereas self-esteem often induces us to make ourselves too evident, or to occupy a place which a higher than our due, humility keep us in our own place. Humility is truth: it tends to establish in truth both our intellect – by making us know ourselves as we really are – and our life, by inclining us to take, in relation to God and to men, our proper place and no other.”                                                                                                                                           Fr. Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalen, O.C.D.


     A story is told that when asked which virtues were needed to grow in holiness, St. Augustine answered, “There are three, humility, humility and humility.”

Our Wickedness

     “Though your servant is careful of them, very diligent in keeping them, yet who can detect failings? Cleanse me from my unknown faults! (Ps. 19 vs. 12-14)



      I always loved God, but when the Holy Spirit touched my heart in a profound way in my late twenties, my relationship with God became a priority. Over time, I had incorporated in my life many religious practices that helped me to grow closer to God: reading Holy Scripture, attending weekday Mass when possible, frequent confession, quiet prayer time and spiritual reading. I was delighted when my schedule allowed for a day of prayer and reflection. A special time set apart from the everyday hustle and bustle of family life.

Confessions of a 'Seasoned' Mother -- Part 1

     I considered myself a ‘seasoned’ mother. Having been blessed with five children and the luxury to be an ‘at home’ mom, we had successfully navigated through many of life’s experiences and created a deep family bond.

     Our two youngest would be graduating; one from grade school and one from high school, so once again, we were looking at colleges. Although our three oldest had finished college, they had all commuted, so we had not experienced their absence from our home. I have to admit, I liked it that way. I enjoyed the ‘live at home ‘connection we shared.

      So that was our plan. Our son would find a local college and commute, just like his siblings.

Listen, ponder and pray

     “If you really want to become holy, don’t ask your friends, most especially your spiritual friends. Ask the people you live with, how you need to change to grow in holiness.  And when they tell you – and they will – don’t react and get defensive. Think about what they say – bring it to prayer and see if there is any truth in it.”

     These were the words spoken by a priest many years ago, and I was one of the brave ones who decided to give it a try. I’m the kind of person who likes a challenge, so I figured if I was really serious in growing in my relationship with God, what would I have to lose? Besides, I really didn't expect to receive any revelations

My Catholic faith

       My Catholic faith is not something that I just practice on Sundays, but is an integral part of my life. It is the air that I breathe, the blood in my veins, the beats of my heart. It is at the core of my identity and a gift from God that I cherish deeply.

     Like an acorn planted long ago at my Baptism, it has changed and grown over the years, into a large tree whose roots stretch deeply into the Church to find its nourishment. It has experienced both bright sunny days, as well as dark stormy nights, but with the grace of God, has managed to remain standing tall.

The Holy Spirit - He's Sasha to me

     As a child, and even for much of my adult life, my relationship with the Holy Spirit has not been what I would necessarily call personal. I received the Sacrament of Confirmation in third grade, and although I was catechized very well - I was a Baltimore Catechism student - I didn't really feel close to the Holy Spirit. Sure I prayed to Him at what I saw as the appropriate times; like to help me remember the answers to a test for which I had studied, or for the right words to say in a difficult situation. I also asked Him for specific gifts, fruits and graces, since I figured that was His territory. But it wasn't really much of a relationship.