Me, "A Living Will of God?"

      “True love of God consists in adhering perfectly to His holy will, not desiring to do or be other than what God dictates for each of us, to the point of becoming, as it were, “a living will of God."                                                                                     Fr. Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalen, O.C.D.

     I shudder as I read Fr. Gabriel’s words. I love God and strive to truly love Him. I want to desire to live this statement, but if I’m totally honest, I silently desire my will at times. Me, “a living will of God?” Regretfully, I am not.

Break the Thread and Fly!

     “My daughter, you give Me most glory by patiently submitting to My will, and you win for yourself greater merit than that which any fast or mortification could ever gain for you. Know, My daughter, that if you submit your will to Mine, you draw upon yourself My special delight. This sacrifice is pleasing to Me and full of sweetness. I take great treasure in it; there is power in it.” Jesus to Saint Faustina

     I am well aware that accepting God’s will in my life is what He truly wants, and I really try my best to do so. But if I’m perfectly honest, it is often not with patient submission. Instead, it is more a “white knuckling” submission in the hope that things will soon change and be more to my will.

Clearing A Path

      “When the devil looks at a man who sincerely desires not to sin, he is not so unintelligent to suggest to him (as he would to a hardened sinner) that he go and commit fornication or go and steal. He knows we do not want that and he does not set out to tell us something we do not want to hear; but he finds out that little bit of self-will and self-righteousness and through that, with the appearance of well doing, he will do us harm.” St. Dorotheus of Gaza

     If asked to describe myself, the words that come to mind would be kind and thoughtful, strong but yielding, steady and dependable, but the word rebellious would never enter my mind. But quite unexpectedly and suddenly, a storm of rebellion has moved in!

Silence, Please!!!

     “It is so hard to be silent, silent with my mouth, but even with my heart. There is so much talking going on within me. It seems that I am always involved with inner debates with myself, my friends, my supporters, my opponents, my colleagues, and my rivals. But this inner debate reveals how far my heart is from You. If I were to simply rest at Your feet and realize that I belong to You and to You alone, I would stop arguing with all the real and imagined people around me. These arguments show my insecurity, my fear, my apprehensions. You, O Lord, will give me all the attention I need if I would simply stop talking and start listening to You. I know that in the silence of my heat You will speak to me and show me Your love. Give me, O Lord, that silence. Let me be patient and grow slowly into this silence in which I can be with You. Amen. Henri Nouwen

     As I read Henri Nowen’s words, I felt stunned! Stunned like finding a hidden chest, filled with pertinent, life-changing information: about myself, about what I was doing, about how I was robbing my soul of God’s peace and presence. Until those words penetrated my mind and heart, I was totally unaware of the damage I was inflicting upon myself and my relationship with God. But once I knew -- I could not know. From the depths of my heart and soul, I knew instinctively, that I needed desperately to change my behavior…. A practice I had engaged in, probably, for most of my life. Although this would be difficult, I saw it as a graced moment from God, sent to me by a dear Friend, via email.

Come Out from Behind the Chair

      “God’s love calls us to move beyond fear. We ask God for the courage to abandon ourselves unreservedly, so that we may be molded by God’s grace, even as we cannot see where the path may lead us.”                                                                                                                      St. Ignatius of Loyola                            

      “During my quiet prayer time, an image began to play out in my mind’s eye. I came to full attention because it was rare for something like this to happen to me.

Protecting the Fortress of My Soul

      When a person moves toward God: Second rule—In persons who are going on intensely purifying their sins and rising from good to better in the service of God our Lord, the method is contrary to the first rule. For then it is proper to the evil spirit to bite, sadden, and place obstacles, disquieting with false reasons, so that the person may not go forward. And it is proper to the good spirit to give courage and strength, consolations, tears, inspirations, and quiet, easing a taking away all obstacles, so that the person may go forward in doing good.                                                         St. Ignatius of Loyola--Discernment of Spirits                                                                                            

 

     With a heart full of gratitude, sitting before the Lord, I wrote in my journal:

     Oh, My Dear Sweet God, 

     The revelation that You gave me about being a pilgrim on this pilgrimage back to You was a game changer!

I Surrender!!!

      “Arise, My beloved, My beautiful one, and come! For see, the winter is past, the rains are over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of pruning the vines has come, and the song of the dove is heard in our land. The fig tree puts forth its figs, and the vines, in bloom, give forth fragrance. Arise, My beloved, My beautiful one, and come!”                Song of Songs 2: 10b – 13

     God was calling me to be with Him. To go and take a break from the difficult 6 months that were now behind me.

     I felt weary. I felt tired. I felt spent! Like a closed stuffy room, I needed to cast open the windows and allow some fresh air to blow through me. I longed for the Spirit of God, to breathe new life in me. I was still reeling with the effects of everything I’d been through, and Papa was well aware of it.

Loved and Cherished

      “Sometimes we have to “step over” our anger, our jealousy, or our feelings of rejection and move on. The temptation to get stuck in our negative emotions, poking around in them as if we belong there. Then we can become the “offended one,” “the forgotten one,” or even “the discarded one.” Yes, we can get attached to these negative identities and even take morbid pleasure in them. It might be good to have a look at these dark feelings and explore where they came from, but there comes a moment to step over them, leave them behind and travel on.”                                                          Henri Nouwen

     

     It happened again! I was feeling “that way.” I knew that my reaction to the situation was disproportionate to what was happening. I had already discussed it several times with the person, but not much had changed, and if it had, it was fleeting. I felt hurt and forgotten and I didn’t know what to do.

Avoiding Storms

  “Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in Thee my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of Thy wings, I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by.”                 Psalm 57:1

     For well over a month, I felt like I had one foot in heaven and the other on earth. I was still astonished   over the many blessings I had experienced, and my heart was full of gratitude to God. I was well aware that this would not last, but I never expected just how low I could be brought down.

Do Whatever He Tells You

      Raphael called the two men aside privately and said to them: “Thank God! Give him the praise and the glory. Before all the living, acknowledge the many good things he has done for you, by blessing and extolling his name in song. Before all men, honor and proclaim God’s deeds, and do not be slack in praising him. A king’s secret is prudent to keep, but the works of God are to be declared and made known. Praise them with due honor.”                                                                 Tobit 12: 6-7     

     As the nudge from God to write again was revealed to me, I wondered just how long it had been. To my shock and amazement, it had been over 11 months! So very much had transpired in that time, and so much of it, miraculous in nature.

     God’s hand in my life, and in the lives of those I loved, was so evident to me now. I knew it was time to tell the story and give God the praise that was long overdue! In order not to shortchange God, it will take a good number of posts.     

The Lord's Direction

     It’s been over 10 months since my last post on Avia Joy.

     At the time, I wondered if it would be my last. Papa had not revealed that to me. I only knew that out of obedience, I was to stop blogging, until inspired to do otherwise.

My Blog and I

     “There is much emphasis on notoriety and fame in our society. Our newspapers and television keep giving us the message: What counts is to be known, praised, and admired, whether you are a writer, an actor, a musician, or a politician.    
     “Still, real greatness if often hidden, humble, simple, and unobtrusive. It is not easy to trust ourselves and our actions without public affirmation. We must have strong self-confidence combined with deep humility. Some of the greatest works of art and the most important works of peace were created by people who had no need for the limelight. They knew that what they were doing was their call, and they did it with great patience, perseverance and love.”  
                                                                                                        Henri Nouwen


     Today, April 21, 2017, Avia Joy is three years old! But before a word was written, or a story told, she was in the mind of God. She was His gift to me!

The Present Moment -- What a Gift

   One example of the wisdom of God is that He does not reveal the future to us. This is truly a mercy!

    Many of us would have wanted to run away in order to avoid the difficult events that have occurred in our lives. But truth be told, it was those very events that helped us to grow in strength and virtue – helped us become the man or woman we are today.

     Even with that said, thinking about living with difficulties in the future is still frightening! The “unknown” in itself can be unnerving, but when you add all the “what ifs” that our imagination can conjure up, our fear can be endless. Thanks be to God, most of them never come about anyway, yet we allow ourselves to venture into the future where we may never tread.

     And then of course, there’s the past!

      We revisit memories that are filled with regrets and hurts. We beat ourselves up with the “should haves, would haves, could haves, and whys,” and experience the pain and regrets all over again. We allow the past to wound us again and again, till our wound is once more festering and raw.

     Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we torture ourselves by revisiting the past or delving into the future? Why do we give in to the temptation to move from the present moment where God’s grace is located? We get trapped instead, feeling anxious and burdened.

     God’s grace is neither in the past nor the future!

     It is the devil’s aim to keep us from staying in the present moment. He knows if he can keep us in the past or the future, we’re doomed. God’s grace is not there. GOD IS IN THE PRESENT MOMENT – and so is His grace!

     The present moment is all that we have really anyway. It is the only offering that we can give to God. We need to stay close to our Papa and not allow ourselves to venture into the pain of the past or the unknown territory of the future. We have to keep hold of our Papa’s hand and stay with Him right here in the present moment. He will shower us with all the graces we need to navigate through our lives – with all its up’s and downs.

     This is not a new problem for mankind. It is evident from the writings of the saints, that many of them struggled with this temptation.

     St. Augustine advised us long ago: “Trust the past to God’s mercy, the present to God’s love and the future to God’s providence.”

    And then the words of wisdom from St. Francis de Sales: “Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life with fear. Rather, look to them with full confidence that, as they arise, God to whom you belong will in His love enable you to profit by them. He has guided you thus far in life. Do you but hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through all trials. Whenever you cannot stand, He will carry you lovingly in His arms.  
  
     Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it.

     Be at peace then, put aside all useless thoughts, all vain dreads and all anxious imaginations.”

     And lastly, the beautiful prayer of St. Faustina. Let us make it our own:

     “O my God, when I look into the future, I am frightened, but why plunge into the future? Only the present moment is precious to me, as the future may never enter my soul at all.

     It is no longer in my power, to change, correct or add to the past; for neither sages nor prophets could do that. And so, what the past has embraced I must entrust to God.

     O present moment, you belong to me, whole and entire. I desire to use you as best I can. And although I am weak and small, You grant me Your omnipotence.

      And so, trusting in Your mercy, I walk like a little child, offering to You each day this heart burning with love for Your greater glory.”

     St. Augustine, St. Frances de Sales, and St. Faustina please pray for us! Pray that we may cooperate with God’s grace to stay in the present moment. Intercede for us that we may learn to trust God with every fiber of our being. Ask that God will help us to let go of the spirit of fear so we can receive the peace that He longs to bestow upon us. May our lives be one continual FIAT as we abide in the loving heart of the Father. Amen!
                                                                                    
    
   
    
    


        

The Light of Our Lives

     “Faith ought to be the light which envelops not only our moments of prayer but our whole life as well. In prayer we say, ‘I believe in God, the Father almighty’; but a few minutes afterwards, in the face of some difficult task, a tiresome person, or something which upsets our plans, we forget that these have all been willed and planned by God for our good. We forget that God is our Father, and therefore is more concerned about our welfare than we are ourselves. We forget that God is all-powerful and can help us in every difficulty. In losing sight of the light of faith, which makes us see everything as dependent upon God and ordered by Him for our good, we lose ourselves in merely human considerations and protests, as if God had nothing to do with our life or had very little place in it. We give way to discouragement as though we had no faith. Yes, we believe in God, the Father Almighty, but we do not believe to the point of seeing His will, or at least His permission, in every circumstance. And yet, until faith becomes such a factor in our life that it makes us see all in relation to God, and as dependent upon Him, we will not be able to say that the light of faith is the guide of our life. It is, of course, but only partially. How often this true light, which participates in the very light of God, remains hidden under the bushel of a mentality which is still too human, too earthly!                                                                                                                                                                                                            Fr. Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalen, OCD

     As I sat in Church that quiet summer afternoon, I felt weary! I had just experienced a very busy week that had exhausted me both physically and emotionally – and it wasn’t over yet – I still had many things to do and places to go. With my tank on empty, I realized I needed to be in the Eucharistic Presence of God and allow myself to be filled with Jesus and His love.

     When I am in a place of emptiness, I have found that writing a letter to God is helpful. I sat there with my pen and paper in hand and poured out my heart to my dear sweet Jesus. I wrote about everything and everyone that I was carrying. I was burdened and needed to hand it all over to Him. I knew He wouldn’t mind. He Himself told us, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take up My yoke and learn from Me, for I am meek and humble of heart: and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Mt 11: 28-30).

     When I finished the written part of my prayer, I began to verbalize, in my mind, what was troubling my heart. “Lord, give me faith the size of a mustard seed. Mine must be smaller than that because You tell us that if our faith was the size of a mustard seed, we could move a mountain. Right now I can’t seem to be able to move anything. Strengthen my faith. You know Jesus, I do believe. Help my unbelief!”

     With that prayer uttered, the flood gates opened. As my tears flowed, like a little child, I wanted to be with my Papa. I imaged myself running to Him, climbing on His lap. He opened His arms to me and held me close. Tears streamed down my face as some disappointing memories of life paraded before my mind. As each memory presented itself, I asked, “Why, Papa? Why?” The tears continued, as did the memories, as I sat face to face with life’s difficult mysteries. I didn’t understand why all of these hardships had occurred, or why my life was still “permeated” by some. I knew in my head that I may never understand the “whys” while I live here on earth, but that day, I had the courage to at least ask God the questions.

     Although I did not get an answer, a feeling of peace enveloped me. As I opened myself to God’s peace, from the depths of my heart a plea arose, my God, what do You want me to learn from all of this? What are You trying to teach me!

     As I sat in His stillness, I realized a truth I must never forget: God is my Papa! He cares about me like no one else. He only wants what is good for me and when things get difficult, He is there with me to guide me and fill me with His graces. Because of the stain of original sin, I sometimes make wrong choices. At times, to my detriment, my woundedness and my longing to be loved, blinds me to do far too much for others. It is my unconscious belief that my actions will repair damage that’s been inflicted. It hasn’t worked. I cannot “fix” what is broken. I must leave that to God and be patient and cooperate with His grace. My faith must be increased. Faith is KNOWNING that God KNOWS: believing that He really KNOWS what is happening and can handle things. I need to trust and allow the light of my faith to enable me to see things from this vantage point. God IS ALMIGHTY and brings about good from evil. Look at the crucifixion! It was followed by the resurrection. I need to be humble and trust God, embracing my place as the child of His heart.

     It so easy at times to forget that I am a sojourner and a wayfarer on this journey of life: heaven is my destination. I must grow in grace and virtue, as I navigate towards sanctification. At times, I must learn to walk in darkness, trusting the One who is mapping out my route. I must learn to listen to His promptings on the way and respond fully to them. He will not leave me to travel alone, but will accompany me every step of the way – whether I’m aware of Him or not.

     I pray one day that like Elizabeth of the Trinity, I may be able to proclaim: “Everthing that happens is a message to me of God’s great love for my soul.”

     Till then I pray: O my dear sweet God! I don’t want to hide the light of my faith under a bushel basket. I want it to shine and guide my whole life. I want to KNOW that You KNOW what is happening each moment and that I am totally dependent upon You for everything. Send me the Comforter – Your Holy Spirit – to reassure me on my journey and guide me. May He fill me with Your gifts, fruits and virtues, so I may not give in to discouragement. Help me to accept that all that happens is for my sanctity. Increase my faith.

     I believe Lord. Help my unbelief.

    

    

    

     

    

Recognize the Gift -- Accept It

     I don’t know about you, but when it comes to the spiritual life, I tend to be a slow learner. But I am blessed to have a “Papa” who loves me unconditionally and is so very patient. He has an image of the woman He has called me to be from all eternity, and realizes that I am a “work in progress.” God usually teaches me a lesson and then uses the events of my life so I can practice each of them – again and again and again – until I finally “get it!” Such was the case this past Advent and Christmas season.

Love's Clock

     “The distance separating Our Lord from the house where Lazarus lived was about a day’s journey . . . in all it would have been four days since He received the news. God’s delays are mysterious; sorrow is sometimes prolonged for the same reason for which it is sent. God may abstain for the moment from healing, not because Love does not love, but because Love never stops loving, and a greater good is to come from the woe. Heaven’s clock is different from ours.”          Bishop Fulton J. Sheen


     Why does God allow suffering? Why does He delay in answering our prayers, or at times, appear not to even hear them? Those were probably the thoughts of Martha and Mary when they contacted Jesus and He failed to come to heal their brother Lazarus. Lazarus was already dead four days by the time Jesus arrived.

Untie These Knots

     As I hung up the phone, my heart was gripped with fear! The situation, which had started out as a concern and had turned into a worry, was now moving toward becoming a full-fledged disaster!

     “I do not want to deal with this,” I cried out to God. “I cannot go down this route again. Why, Papa? Why?” I knew from the past, there was nothing I could do to resolve this situation. Intervention did not work, but only complicated matters. I felt alone, afraid, and overwhelmed! If the world opened up at that moment and swallowed me, I would have welcomed the action: but it did not. I had to stay just where I was, and not disappear into another world -- free from disaster!

The Mysterious Wisdom of God

     “Many things happen that God does not will. But He still permits them, in His wisdom, and they remain a stumbling block or scandal to our minds. God asks us to do all we can to eliminate evil. But despite our efforts, there is always a whole set of circumstances which we can do nothing about, which are not necessarily willed by God but nevertheless are permitted by Him, and which God invites us to consent to trustingly and peacefully even when they make us suffer and cause us problems. We are not being asked to consent to evil, but to consent to the mysterious wisdom of God who permits evil. Our consent is not a compromise with evil but the expression of our trust that God is stronger than evil. This is a form of obedience that is very painful but very fruitful.”     Fr. Jacques Phillipe


     Living life in our fallen world is at times, both difficult and challenging with the relationship between God and us. We are called to trust and believe that somehow God can use this tough situation not only for our good, but for our sanctification. In his letter to the Romans, St. Paul, under the influence of the Holy Spirit, penned long ago: “We know that all things work for good for those who love God” (Rm. 8 vs 28). So why is it that we question and doubt God’s love for us when trials come our way? Why is it that these happenings remain a stumbling block or a scandal to our minds? Why can we not believe that God can and will bring some good from each trial?

Happy Birthday Avia Joy!

     Avia Joy* is a year old! It was with fear and trepidation that I said yes to God when He proposed that she would be conceived and brought to life. Having had Papa’s frequent assurance that He would be with me to assist with Avia Joy, I stepped out in faith. He has been true to His word, although it took some time for me to believe it.

     While still pregnant with her, a decision was made to always have a reserve of nine posts. I wanted to be ahead of the game. I had also decided that I would publish three posts a week, never doubting that it could be accomplished. I would have my reserve. I could make it work!

Embracing Emptiness

     “It is very hard to allow emptiness to exist in our lives. Emptiness requires a willingness not to be in control, a willingness to something new and unexpected to happen. It requires trust, surrender, and openness to guidance. God wants to dwell in our emptiness. But as long as we are afraid of God and God’s action in our lives, it is unlikely that we will offer our emptiness to God. Let’s pray that we can let go of fear and embrace God as the source of love.”                                                           Henri Nouwen



     When we feel emptiness, a restlessness full of uncertainty, within our deepest self, we want to act as quickly as possible and do something. Anything! We do not want to acknowledge it, let alone entertain or sit with it, because we do not know what will be asked of us. We try to avoid looking at it and pretend it isn't there. We keep busy; filling our time, hoping it will just go away!