Better for the Telling

      Although the fog that had surrounded me in my grief had lifted, the pain and loss was still present. The holidays are a difficult time to navigate, especially the first one when your loved one is not there.

     I tried to focus on others, especially Sarah’s husband and children, offering my loss up for them in the hope of just maybe, easing their pain. 

Give It Up!

     “How many things I do when the soul, in so much spiritual and material need turns to Me, looks at Me and says to Me; ‘You take care of it,’ then close its eyes and rests. In pain you pray for Me to act, but that I act in the way you want. You do not turn to Me, instead, you want Me to adapt to your ideas. You are not sick people who ask the doctor to cure you, but rather sick people who tell the doctor how to. So, do not act this way, but pray as I taught you in the Our Father; ‘Hallowed be Thy Name,’ that is, be glorified in my need. ‘Thy kingdom come,’ that is, let all that is in us and in the world be in accord with Your kingdom. ‘Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven,’ that is, in our need, decide as You see fit for our temporal and eternal life. If you say to Me truly: ‘Thy will be done’ which is the same as saying: ‘You take care of it.’ I will intervene with all My omnipotence, and I will resolve the most difficult situations.”
                              Novena of Surrender to the Will of God – Day 3 – Fr. Dolindo Ruotolo


     I’ve been praying this novena daily for several years.

     Surrendering to God’s permissive and ordaining will is something with which I struggle!

     For a good number of years, I’ve been praying for a change in a particular situation in my life. The truth is, the situation has changed, but not to my liking. In fact, it has presented itself to me more frequently, in the last couple of years, and when it does, it’s like a sword is plunged into my heart!

     At those times I cry out to God and wonder why He hasn’t changed this situation as I have asked-- no begged Him to do. Over the years, I have given Him, some very good solutions to what I see as answers to the problem. But it’s becoming clear, He either doesn’t agree, or just wants me to truly surrender this to Him and trust.

     While speaking to a friend about my last experience with this hurt, I expressed that I believed God was allowing it to present itself so frequently, because He wanted to heal me. Although I thought this to be true, I wasn’t sure how to go about doing it.

     My friend informed me that I couldn’t do it at all. It was something that God would have to do for me, but I needed to be honest with myself and Him and stop being so darn lady like about it.

     I was a bit confused with her comment and asked for clarity. She said, “You’re angry about it. You keep trying to tell God what to do and how to do it. It’s clear it hasn’t changed all these years and you don’t like it. You cannot control people, their relationships and their actions. You need to begin to accept this as reality and truly give it to God. He wants you to be free and not to be hurt and wounded by this situation. We are all children of God and hopefully will one day, sit at the banquet table together in the Kingdom. Are you going to allow this situation to keep you from entering heaven? Do you want anyone shut out? Are you going to love as God does? Are you willing to take the hand of those who have hurt you and walk with them into the Kingdom of God?”

     Her words were challenging and stinging, but I could hear both love and truth in them. I knew I was at a crossroad and needed to make a decision.

     “I’m not sure I can do this. I don’t know if I want to do this. I don’t know how to do this,” I told my friend.  This wasn’t how I wanted things to be. I really didn’t want to accept it! I had justified my position for so long that it seemed right and fair, and I believed that my assessment of the situation was correct. But I knew that God was calling me to trust Him. Time to let go and truly surrender this to God, but I felt inadequate to do so.

     My friend then asked, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be healed?” I knew what the answer was and asked her for her prayers.

     Sometime after our conversation, I brought it to prayer. I told God how angry I was because He had allowed this situation to grow and hurt me even more deeply than before. I let Him know that I didn’t really like the situation, but I believed since He had allowed it and hadn’t changed it like I asked, that He wanted me to accept it. Even though part of me did not want to, something deeper inside urged me to trust that this would be the first step to my healing.

     With that thought in mind, I prayed: “Papa, I know that You love me and You only want what’s best for me. Although I judge that this situation is unfair and hurtful, You have continued to allow it. I’ve been denying my feelings of anger with You. Each time the situation hurt me, it sent me into a state of confusion about Your love for me, and over time, these feelings have grown into anger. Anger toward You and the persons involved. It’s only been lately that I’ve come to believe that You want to heal me, and free me from this pain.

    “So, with that in mind, I surrender this situation into Your hands. I forgive You and all those involved. I give You my acceptance to allow the situation to continue. I want to open my heart to all of Your children and be one with them one day in heaven. Amen.”

     After saying that prayer, I felt a heaviness or burden lift from me. It felt as if something I’d been carrying around for a long time was gone!

     That evening, as I did my quiet prayer, the Gospel hit me like a ton of bricks. Jesus said to His disciples: “Unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter into the Kingdom of heaven…  If you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Mt 5:20,23-24).

     As I read those words, it became apparent to me, although I had asked for forgiveness, I truly wasn’t sorry. I was still stuck in my righteousness. I was doing what I believed God was asking me to do for my own benefit and not because of any repentance on my part. The sacrament of reconciliation was desperately needed, if I was serious about repairing my relationship with God.

     The next day at Mass, the gift of repentance came upon me. It was as if each prayer that was prayed, each scripture read, along with the homily, were all directed to me. Tears flowed frequently and freely during Mass, as the gift of humility and compunction filled my being.

     It was a visiting priest who celebrated Mass and his words touched my mind and heart deeply. After Mass, I asked if he could hear my confession. He was free to do so.

      I was able to speak from my heart, through tears of repentance, a true confession of my sins of pride, anger and arrogance in trying to tell God what to do and not accepting His permissive will in my life. I asked for the grace to accept this situation and allow God to be God. Father gave me a penance: 7 Our Fathers and 7 Hail Mary’s to say slowly and to add between each one, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”

     He then told me to listen very intently to the words of absolution, knowing that God had freed me from my sins and wanted my healing. As I listened, tears of gratitude flowed from my eyes. I knew that God had set me on the road to freedom.

    I prayed my penance slowly and deliberately, asking God to help me to live this surrender in all aspects in my life. I know the battle isn’t over, but with God’s grace and the help of good and honest friends, it is my prayer that it will continue till my trust in God is stronger than my trust in myself!

     I will continue to pray the Surrender Novena daily because I am a sinner in need in God’s help, mercy and grace. But I am more than just a sinner, I am a Child of God, who has been redeemed by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

     “O, Jesus, I surrender myself to You, take care of everything!”   
    
    
    
    
    
    

    
 
                                                                                  

It is the Lord

     “There is not a moment in which God does not present Himself under the cover of some pain to be endured, of some consolation to be enjoyed, or of some duty to be performed. All that takes place within us, around us, or through us, contains and conceals His divine action. It is really and truly there present, but invisibly present, that we are always surprised and do not recognize His operation until it has ceased. If we could lift the veil, and if we were attentive and watchful God would continually reveal Himself to us, and we should see His divine action in everything that happened to us, and rejoice in it. At each successive occurrence, we should exclaim: ‘It is the Lord,’ and we should accept every fresh circumstance as a gift from God. We should look upon creatures as feeble tools in the hands of an able workman, and should discover easily that nothing was wanting to us, and that the constant providence of God disposed Him to bestow upon us every moment whatever we        required.”                                                                                                                                                                        
                                                                                                Jean-Pierre de Caussade

     Recognizing God and His actions, always present in our lives, is very difficult for us. We expect or imagine just how He will show His face and often miss Him, because He comes in ways much different than we desired.

     Our plans, ideas and expectations of life, are etched so deeply in stone by our own hand, that when something appears other than we planned, we fail to see God’s hand in it.

The Wonder of God's Ways

     “I desire to bestow My graces upon souls, but they do not want to accept them. You, at least, come to Me as often as possible and take these graces they do not want to accept. In this way you will console My Heart. Oh, how indifferent are souls to so much goodness, to so many proofs of love! My Heart drinks only of the ingratitude and forgetfulness of souls living in the world. They have time for everything, but they have no time to come to Me for graces. The flames of mercy are burning Me. I desire to pour them out on human souls. Oh, what pain they cause Me when they do not want to accept them! I am looking for souls who would like to receive My grace.”                                              
                                                                                        Jesus to St. Faustina


     When Rachel read those words about 6 months ago, they penetrated her heart! Christ was speaking directly to her!

     Saddened by the pain Christ experienced when souls reject His love and grace, Rachel felt convicted to do something to help. In order to console Him, Rachel planned to beg Jesus to bestow on her, all the love and graces He had to give, that was rejected by others. She would practice this devotion when she received Jesus in Holy Communion and during her prayer time

     Being a daily communicant, Rachel couldn’t wait to add this beautiful practice to her time of thanksgiving with Jesus in Holy Communion. It brought joy to her heart each time she brought consolation and love to Christ’s Heart, by asking for the unsought love and graces. She smiled, both inside and out, when she thought about the benefits of her great find: she not only relieved the pain and suffering of Jesus, but she would receive extra love and grace. It was a win/win situation and she delighted in the way it had enhanced her reception of Holy Communion, as well as her prayer time.

                                                                 Fast forward six months.

     Rachel is at Mass. A young girl is sitting next to her. The girl is texting, checking her email, and whatever else she could do on her phone while Mass is being celebrated.

     Rachel is feeling very distracted by the girl’s actions. She wants to do or say something, but holds back. The consecration is about to begin. Rachel is hoping that the girl will have the good sense to at least stop during this very sacred time. She does not. Rachel’s feelings move from distraction, to being very upset!

        It was now time to for Communion. While Rachel was coming back to her seat, after receiving Jesus, she felt like her heart could break. The young girl was so oblivious to all the love and graces that Jesus wanted to give her. Rachael eyes filled with tears. As Rachel is speaking with Jesus and asking for His rejected love and mercy, Jesus speaks to her heart. He tells her that this girls’ actions are a perfect example of the way He is rejected. He is right there, waiting to pour His love and mercy upon her, and she is totally unaware of Him and His presence – even after having received Him in Holy Communion.

     Rachel cries inwardly from the depth of her heart, “Oh my Lord Jesus! Please forgive her. She does not know what she is doing.  I’ll take the love and mercy that she is rejecting. Pour it down on me. Pour it down on her as well. She doesn’t even know that it’s there for the taking.” Once more, Rachel asked Jesus to forgive the girl.

     Mass was over. Rachel left Church feeling distraught and heavy hearted.

     Several days had passed since the incident at Mass. Rachel thought about the girl and prayed for her. She had a difficult time understanding the young girl’s indifference to the treasures Jesus wanted to share. She would continue to pray for the girl. Maybe that’s why they were seated together . . .  God wanted Rachel to pray for her.

     The following week was particularly challenging for Rachel. Whatever could go wrong did. She was weary, tired, cranky and frazzled. By the end of the week, Rachel felt like she had no control of anything in her life. She needed some comfort. She wanted to do something for herself. Her entire week had been spent on others; she desperately needed some kind of reprieve!

     Rachel turned to her own devices and after indulging, she realized that she did not even enjoy it. She felt guilty. It had not taken away her negative feelings, in fact, it had added to their weight.

     While sitting, chastising herself for her actions, she heard the sweet voice of Jesus. “Rachel, remember the other day at Mass, when you were upset about the young girl on her phone, and you couldn’t understand why? You have just done the same thing.

     “You had a bad week, but you always have a choice. You could have come to Me. I was waiting for you with My grace and merciful love. You choose instead to turn away from Me and go to your own devices, rejecting Me and My gifts. Rachel, I want to be the One you run to when life is difficult. I want to fill you with My love, mercy and graces, not only at Holy Communion, but anytime! I am here. I can fill you. Come to Me. I love you and want what’s best for you. Other things will leave you empty. I will not.”

     Rachel could not believe her ears! She would have not ever imagined, that she could be like the young girl who had blatantly ignored Jesus. She felt ashamed of her actions. Remorse and contrition filled her soul. She did not mean to hurt Jesus. She would never want to hurt Him. Rachel loved to bring Him joy and happiness! She was filled with sorrow. Rachel asked Jesus to forgive her. She then realized the reason she had been seated beside the young girl: to learn that she too can choose to reject or turn towards Jesus’ merciful love and grace. He is always there, waiting to pour it down upon us. We only have to ask.

    Previously, Rachel hadn’t realized that she could practice this devotion outside of her prayer time and when receiving Jesus in Holy Communion. This realization opened up vast new opportunities for her to soothe the Heart of Jesus. She now felt excited. God has used her fall to teach her a valuable lesson!

     Little did Rachel realize, that her new “spiritual friend,” would have such a positive impact on her relationship with God. Her friends’ poor actions would help her and others to grow closer to God. The power of evil was crushed by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. The wonder of God’s ways!

    Rachel, my dear sister, shared this story with me because she knew it could help me in my struggle towards holiness. I asked if she’d mind if I shared it with you. She gave me her blessing!

     Let us follow Rachel’s lead. Let us relieve the burning heart of Jesus, by begging Him for the rejected love and mercy that He longs to pour upon souls. Let us make this our practice, not only in our time of prayer and when receiving Jesus in Holy Communion, but throughout our day as well. May we especially turn to Jesus, in our moments of weakness and temptation. He is there waiting for us, with all the love and graces that we need to fill our hearts like a banquet. We only need to ask!

     Jesus longs and thirsts for our love. Slake His thirst by allowing Him to pour His love and mercy upon you. Relieve His pain and bring joy to His heart! Allow His love to fill you to the brim. Everything else will leave you empty!

     “Thus I will bless you while I live; lifting up my hands, I will call upon Your name. As with the riches of a banquet shall my soul be satisfied, and with exultant lips my mouth shall praise You” (Psalm 63: 5-6).  

    “O my Strength, it is You to whom I turn, for You, O God, are my stronghold, the God who shows me love” (Psalm 59:18).
    
    
    
    
                                               

Be Active ~ Embrace Him

     “Oh, how painful it is to Me that souls so seldom unite themselves to Me in Holy Communion. I wait for souls, and they are indifferent toward Me. I love them tenderly and sincerely, and they distrust Me. I want to lavish My graces on them, and they do not want to accept them. They treat Me as a dead object, whereas My Heart is full of love and mercy. In order that you may know at least some of My pain, imagine the most tender of mothers who has great love for her children, while those children spurn her. Consider her pain. No one is in a position to console her. This is a pale image and likeness of My love.”                                                       Jesus to St. Faustina


     On the night before He died, Jesus, in His great love for us instituted the sacraments of Eucharist and Holy Orders. He loved us so very much, that He could not bear to leave us alone. He wanted to be with us until the end of time in this great Sacrament of Love. He wanted to nurture us with His very life and be one with us in Holy Communion. Jesus has poured Himself out to us completely – holding nothing back. Actions speak louder than words and Christ’s actions speak love. Let us examine ourselves and see what we are telling our Lord.

Thy Will Be Done - Part 2

     After the preliminary questions, Jonathan was taken back to the examining room. I pulled out my rosaries and began to pray, one mystery after the other, as the medical team went about trying to determine just what was wrong. I also sent out an SOS to all of my prayer warriors to begin to storm heaven!

Who, Lord, Do You Say That I Am? -- Part 3

     I was back to my original question. Lord, who do You say that I am? If I’m not Your servant, than who am I? Like Jacob, I did a lot of wrestling with God. Through much pain, suffering, and letting go of the burdens I had placed upon myself, the answer finally did come. I was not just God’s servant, but He revealed to me that I am His Daughter, who happens to get to serve Him. He takes all my effort as a gift. He knows that the results of my efforts are not in my control. He reminded me that He is God and I am not. He wants me to trust Him with my children, because He loves them even more than I do. He helped me recall how He has been with me on my journey through life and that I did not always choose as He would have preferred, nevertheless, He was with me in spite of my choices. He has continued to guide and accompany me on my journey.