I Want To Be A Carmelite
There is something special
I would like to do
To dedicate my life to God
To Jesus and His Mother too.
Prayers and sacrifices day by day
Bring souls to Christ to their glorious height
How wonderful I feel – so gay!
I want to be a Carmelite.
As I climb Mt. Carmel steep
Many times I fall
Step by step I cannot leap
To God for help I call.
Our Lady’s colors are tan and brown
And when I reach the mountain top
From God I’ll receive my glorious crown
My journey then will finally stop.
Written by Me at age 11
Salvation history is full of examples of God planting a seed and it taking years and years before the “fruit” is seen: the Promised Land, a child to Abraham and Sarah, and the promise of a Savior.
When I was a little girl – third grade to be exact – God planted the seed of a Carmelite vocation in my heart. I had been introduced to St. Therese, fell in love with her, and almost immediately heard the call. It was so real and strong that I believed it would happen. I wrote the above poem when I was in sixth grade and read it proudly to my co-ed classmates. It seemed like my destiny and like Therese, I could not wait until the time my dream could be fulfilled.
Somewhere in high school, the call gradually disappeared, as I realized my true vocation was to marriage and motherhood. My thoughts were confirmed several years later when I married and began to raise a family. Being a wife and mother was something I loved and felt called to do.
God was still a very important part of my life. Carmelite spirituality was something I was still drawn toward, so when time allowed, I read what I could on Carmelite saints. St. Therese’ Little Way was something I particularly loved. She made being holy attainable for everyone. Being a wife and mother, my life was full of little ways I could make sacrifices and save souls. This seemed to be working. I felt like I had the best of both worlds.
In time, because of my deep spirituality, a friend invited me to visit her secular Carmelite community. She thought it would be something I would enjoy. Although I tried it for a number of months, with four young children and one on the way, it just didn’t work. I felt content with my primary vocation and saw the meetings as more of a burden. It was not for me. I was already practicing many of the requirements on my own, and did not feel the need to be part of a group to be motivated. My friend was mistaken. God was not calling me.
As my life unfolded and my children grew, so did my relationship with God. It felt full and rich and right. At times I would think about “the call” long ago, and wondered what my life would have been like if I had answered that call. For the most part though, it did not enter my mind. I was serving God by trying my best to fulfill my vocation. God was front and center and I did what I could to bring others to Him as well. I was living my life in the way I believed God was leading, and then something unexpected happened – a question was voiced to me – not once, but twice – by two different people.
“Have you ever thought about becoming a secular Carmelite?” The first time I just laughed and told my new friend that I had done that twenty five years ago and it wasn’t for me. She suggested that I pray and think about it. Maybe it was time.
The second time was a month later and although I gave the same answer, I was beginning to wonder what was going on. Why would this happen again?
Providentially, I was reading a book about a woman who was a secular Camelite. Jesus and Mary addressed her as “My little Carmelite.” Each time I would encounter those words, something in my heart seemed to bubble up. “What is going on?” I began to ask myself. “Is this You Lord, after all these years?”
I began to bring my questions to prayer, asking God for direction. I emailed a friend who is a secular Carmelite and shared my story. She seemed to think that it sounded like it could be God who was trying to get my attention. I felt astounded! “This is crazy! It can’t be God!”
I called another Carmelite friend and she invited me to visit her community. She explained everything to me and sent me information. I decided I would take it one meeting at a time and see where it would lead me.
That was one and a half years ago. I’d like to say that when I walked into the Carmelite community I was struck by lightning certainty. It has not been the case. It has been a time of darkness, doubt and discernment.
Because I was scheduled to receive my scapular in May, I was interviewed by members of the Council to discern if I had a vocation or not. I felt apprehensive, because I really wasn’t sure what to say. Did I have a vocation to Carmel? I still did not know.
As the council members spoke with me and asked me questions, the doubt remained. As I shared my story, I began to cry. One of the members asked me how I would feel if I was told I did not have a vocation. “I would feel crushed,” I replied. I then asked them if it could be that God had really planted the seed of my secondary vocation so many years ago and now is the time for its fruition? Their smiles seem to confirm my thoughts. With their blessing, I then decided to take the next step and receive my scapular, surrendering it all into Our Lord’s and Our Lady’s hands.
As the day approached, I felt very excited. While meditating on the Gospel the night before it was to happen, I was overjoyed to realize it was written just for me. “It was not you who chose Me, but I who chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit that will remain” (Jn 15 vs 16).
All the darkness and doubt disappeared. God was speaking directly to my heart, mind and soul, confirming His call to me so many years ago. I did have a Carmelite vocation, along with my vocation to marriage. It was not one or the other, but both.
Now was the time for the seed that was planted long ago to peek its little head above ground and be cultivated. God was planting me in His Garden of Carmel to be formed and pruned as He sees fit. God had used my whole life to bring me to this point. The spirit of Carmel never left me from the time I was a little girl. God did allow me serve Him through my prayers and sacrifices and bring souls closer to Him.
Being a member of Carmel will strengthen me in my desire, capabilities and capacity to serve God more diligently. I will be blessed with the graces from the Order of Discalced Carmelites to help me accomplish God’s will for my life.
This totally unexpected gift with which I was blessed, is a perfect example of God’s timing, not mine.
“Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient with it until it receives the early and the late rains”
(Jm 5 vs 7).