I Surrender!!!

      “Arise, My beloved, My beautiful one, and come! For see, the winter is past, the rains are over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of pruning the vines has come, and the song of the dove is heard in our land. The fig tree puts forth its figs, and the vines, in bloom, give forth fragrance. Arise, My beloved, My beautiful one, and come!”                Song of Songs 2: 10b – 13

     God was calling me to be with Him. To go and take a break from the difficult 6 months that were now behind me.

     I felt weary. I felt tired. I felt spent! Like a closed stuffy room, I needed to cast open the windows and allow some fresh air to blow through me. I longed for the Spirit of God, to breathe new life in me. I was still reeling with the effects of everything I’d been through, and Papa was well aware of it.

     At first, I thought it might be a retreat that I needed; but that search proved fruitless. And then in the deep recesses of my heart, I felt called to go to the seashore. Hmm, I thought. Even though I live just several hours from the shore, it’s not something I usually do. The seashore Lord? Is this You or me?

     I brought my question to prayer and sensed I should move ahead. I then spoke to my sister Rachael. She thought it was a great idea and offered to accompany me. We found a date that was agreeable to both of us. She suggested I make the plans.

     As I prayed, it became clear that this wasn’t about just spending the day on the beach. No, visiting the beach was a part of the day, but I felt led to look for a town that had a church which would be opened all day. We were to make it a little retreat day; Mass, time for reflection with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, lunch, the beach, back to church for some quiet prayer time, dinner and then drive home.

     God was so good! I found a church that was opened all day, with a Mass right around the time we would arrive. It was located in the middle of the shopping district, so we would only have to walk across the street for both lunch and dinner. And on top of all that, it was walking distance to the beach! It was all set! We had our plans and were both very excited about our special time with God and one another.

     The day finally came. It was the feast of St. Catherine of Sienna; April 29, and what a beautiful day! The sky was Mother mantle blue. The clouds looked like huge white cotton puffs; the kind you’d look at as a child and see all sorts of images. The sun was shining! It was glorious!

     We arrived a little before Mass and were able to park in the church’s lot for the day. Our Lady, Star of the Sea: what a beautiful title of Mary! She is often my light when I feel lost in a sea of darkness. I had called out to her so much these last number of months. It was good to be here, and like St. Peter, at the Transfiguration, I too wanted to build a tent and stay.

     Mass began and Rachael and I were nourished by God’s Word: “Whoever loves Me will keep my word, and My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our dwelling with him” Jn14:21.

     What comforting words to hear! Papa knew how much I try to keep His word, so I was filled with gratitude that They dwelt in me. I was never alone. They were always with me. What a soothing reminder for my weary soul!

     We were next fed by the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of our Lord Jesus Christ, as we received Him in Holy Communion. How very blessed we are as Catholics to be one with our Lord and be a little tabernacle for His true Presence.

     I spoke to my dear sweet Jesus and thanked Him for bringing me to the seashore. I asked for His graces and blessings to accept everything in my life with a strong abiding trust. It was something I was struggling to do.

     After Mass, we spent time in private prayer. I continued to dialogue with our Lord: “Lord, You told St. Catherine of Sienna, ‘I am God and you are not.’ Although I know that to be true, there are times when I don’t act like I know it. Like Job, for so long, I have been questioning You and holding You to account for the happenings in my life.” 

     A spiritual director once told me, “Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.” “I was looking for—no—demanding from You all the answers. And Lord, in Your goodness and patience, You allowed me to continue to ask, a myriad of people, in my search for security, peace and rest.”

     “Today, it has finally dawned on me, my God, that I will not find it in people or things of this world, but in You—by placing myself always and forever in Your holy Will and trusting that You will give me all that I need in that moment. 

     “I should not run ahead, or stay behind in fear, but take the next step, fully aware that You and Your grace are with me through it all.”

     “Please forgive me, Papa, for wanting guarantees and assurances which can’t be had. Please give me the gift and grace of total trust and total abandonment to the Father’s arms—His holy Will.”

     St. Therese expressed this so well: “Jesus points out to me the only way which leads to Love’s furnace—that way is self-surrender—it is the confidence of the little child who sleeps without fear in its father’s arms.” I had to let go of having to know! 

     What a beautiful fruitful morning! Rachael and I would break for lunch and then we’d go to the beach!

     Excitement built within me, as we walked to the beach. We arrived and it was a feast for my soul, as well as my eyes! As I gazed on the beauty and artistry of our good God, His almightiness overwhelmed me: The beauty of the sea, the dolphins playing in the water, the seagulls flying all around us, the mighty roar of the waves crashing on the shore. He and it filled me with delight!

     We sat there for a good while in silence.  We then walked down to the water to put our feet in and allow the grandeur to soak into our spirits. It was stunning and healing and awesome! It filled me with gratitude and joy as I praised God for the wonders of creation and His vast imagination, not to mention, His great love for us. I was filled to the brim and took one last look to sear it upon my memory!

     As we walked back to church, I wondered what else was in store. God had already been so generous. Would there be more? Was there something in addition to what I had received? Was there a lesson still to be taught?

     As I sat down in Jesus’ Presence, I asked Him what more do I need to learn? He reminded me that the word He had given me for this new year was ‘feast’. That I was to feast on all that He set before me, instead of me trying to orchestrate and control everything all the time. 

     Sometimes I can be so focused on orchestrating things that I don’t allow myself to receive what God is giving me. I knew this to be true and asked for eyes to see. I could see how I sometimes miss out on God’s gifts because I’m trying so hard to take care of myself. I prayed: “Papa, help me to be Your little girl, asleep in Your arms and stop believing it is all up to me!”

     I knew this was a coping mechanism that I’ve used since I was a child. But God’s word was clear: “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things” 1Corth 13:11.

     God then spoke these words to my heart: “It is time to stop using this mechanism that has never worked; in fact, at times, it has made matters worse. You were taking on burdens that were far too heavy for you and not your responsibility. I AM God and you ARE NOT! You are to truly surrender to My goodness and love for you. ‘I will not leave you or forsake you’ Dt 31:8. You know each moment of your life I know far well. Trust Me with it and let go so you can receive all I have for you. ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” Jer 29:11.

     I cried from the depths of my heart: “Help me Papa, to hold on to this truth—to cling to it and to You…to trust You with my whole heart.”

    He placed these scriptures on my heart:

     “In the world you will have trouble but take courage; I have conquered the world” Jn 16:33. 

     “Peace I leave you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid” Jn 14:27.

     The lesson God was trying to teach me was clear, as I wrote these words to Him in my journal: “My God, You are calling me to abandon fear and instead to abandon myself into Your most capable hands. May I accept and move in the graces You are showering down upon me and learn to trust You fully and completely. Amen!” 

     I knew my retreat was complete. Rachael and I still had some time before dinner, and I wanted to go to the shops and look for something to remind me of this call to the shore.

      We walked in and out of several stores and nothing struck me…until I saw this sign: “Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear a path.” 

     That was it! This storm, that I had been dealing with these past number of months, was not to destroy but to clear a path… “Behold, I make all things new” Rev 21:5. 

     God wanted me to put a positive spin on what I had seen as disaster and devastation. He was calling me to heroic trust. I would try to do my best, with the help of His love and grace, and ask Him to remind me that I am His little girl who is far too little to carry heavy burdens. 

     The day was a complete gift from God! I felt like I could go home and start refreshed and renewed. I was filled with so many graces, so many memories and a song. God had surrounded me all day with a song that kept playing in my mind. I recall it often and sing it to myself. I will leave you with two verses that spoke loudest to me. Enjoy!

     Lord, You have come to the seashore, neither searching for the rich nor the wise, desiring only that I should follow. Lord, as I drift on the waters, be the resting place of my restless heart, my life’s companion, my friend and refuge. O, Lord, with Your eyes set upon me, gently smiling, You have spoken my name; all I longed for, I have found by the water, at Your side, I will seek other shores.

     Thank You my God, for calling my name and bringing me down to the seashore. It will be emblazed in my memory forever. Thank you, dear Rachael, for making this happen, by accompanying me to the shore!

     Our Lady, Star of the Sea, please, pray for us!