Loved and Cherished

      “Sometimes we have to “step over” our anger, our jealousy, or our feelings of rejection and move on. The temptation to get stuck in our negative emotions, poking around in them as if we belong there. Then we can become the “offended one,” “the forgotten one,” or even “the discarded one.” Yes, we can get attached to these negative identities and even take morbid pleasure in them. It might be good to have a look at these dark feelings and explore where they came from, but there comes a moment to step over them, leave them behind and travel on.”                                                          Henri Nouwen

     

     It happened again! I was feeling “that way.” I knew that my reaction to the situation was disproportionate to what was happening. I had already discussed it several times with the person, but not much had changed, and if it had, it was fleeting. I felt hurt and forgotten and I didn’t know what to do.

     I had been praying all along and asking God to shine His light into my dilemma. But I was still in the dark, about how to handle it. I spoke to family and friends whom I trusted, and they too were at a loss. 

     The Evil one, well aware of my weaknesses, would torment me to go over the different hurts, again and again…replaying them like an old reel of film.

     I did not want these feelings to have this kind of power over me and felt determined to do what I could to get to the bottom of it. I did not want it to become my identity! 

     While speaking with a friend, I told her that I had noticed in previous situations, that when God wanted to heal me, He usually allowed hurts from the present to be exaggerated. I knew if Papa was allowing me to suffer, He wanted to bring some good from it. It seemed like He was waving “red flags,” so I’d take notice and move accordingly. She suggested that I ask God to reveal if there was a hurt from the past. It may be the root cause of my overreacting in this present situation.

     With this new insight in mind, I left to go to the chapel. I prayed as I drove over, begging Papa to reveal the hurt that was plaguing me. Was there something, or was I just too sensitive? Was I too focused on myself and my wants and needs? What was at the bottom of all this?

     As I sat at a redlight, waiting to turn, a thought came to me: remember when you were a little baby and were in the hospital for a while. In those days, parents were encouraged to leave the children and not visit because that is what was thought to be best. 

     Could that be the cause of all of this turmoil and pain?

     As I sat down in the chapel, I closed my eyes. I told Papa that I was tired of feeling hurt and forgotten. I knew it was an overreaction and wanted to let go of it and allow His love to be all that I needed. I wanted to be free from this negative thinking and be healed if it was His will. I then asked that He enter into this long-ago memory, when I was left in the hospital alone for a week.

     I brought what I remembered to mind: I was 6 months old and had pneumonia. My mother told me that she had to hand me over to the nurses, while she and I were both crying. She told them that she didn’t let me cry. It was very difficult for her to leave me, but she had to do what they told her to do. They reassured her they would take good care of me. 

     I then pictured the hospital room with me in the crib…alone and forgotten. I expected to see Jesus or Papa come to me. Instead, I saw Our Lady come in, holding the 6-month-old Baby Jesus. She stooped down to the crib and placed Him in there with me. We played and did what little babies do when they are in each other’s company. Our Lady looked at us with delight. After a while, she somehow picked us both up, sat and rocked us together on her lap. 

     As I watched this all unfold in my mind, I was filled with love, joy and peace. All feelings of being alone or forgotten were gone. This image was nothing I could have ever imagined in a million years! It eradicated those negative feelings completely. My heart was singing with gratefulness to our good God for showering me with His mercy, His great love, and healing. 

     As I sat there soaking it all in, Papa reminded me: We are all wounded and act out of those wounds. We hurt people often, unknowingly…and they us. We need to look to Him for His love to heal our wounds and allow His love to make up for what is lacking in our own lives.

     I took a deep breath and smiled. God allowed me to know I was never alone or forgotten. He was with me then and is with me still. I must always keep that in mind and never forget that truth.

     Since the time of that experience, things have improved. I try to take things less personally, realizing we’re all on a journey to wholeness and holiness. When I’m troubled, I imagine myself running to Papa, allowing Him to pick me up and hold me close to His heart. After He comforts me, I then speak with Him, telling Him all my woes.  As we talk together, I realize His great love for me and also for the person with whom I am struggling. I then unite my hurt with Jesus,’ to heal any brokenness in this or any relationship. 

     God has a vision of each of us, and it is up to us, with His grace, to cooperate and become that person…the person He has called us to be from all eternity. Let us do our best to leave all unnecessary baggage behind as we travel on to our true home.

     “I have waited, waited for the Lord, and He stooped toward me and heard my cry. He drew me out of the pit of destruction, out of the mud of the swamp; He set my feet upon a crag; He made firm my steps. And He put a song in my mouth, a hymn to our God. Many will look on in awe and trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40: 2-4