Break the Thread and Fly!

     “My daughter, you give Me most glory by patiently submitting to My will, and you win for yourself greater merit than that which any fast or mortification could ever gain for you. Know, My daughter, that if you submit your will to Mine, you draw upon yourself My special delight. This sacrifice is pleasing to Me and full of sweetness. I take great treasure in it; there is power in it.” Jesus to Saint Faustina

     I am well aware that accepting God’s will in my life is what He truly wants, and I really try my best to do so. But if I’m perfectly honest, it is often not with patient submission. Instead, it is more a “white knuckling” submission in the hope that things will soon change and be more to my will.

     The older I become the more I am learning about myself. Mistakenly, I think “I have arrived” and finally understand more fully, and then life comes along with yet another lesson…another lesson about my strong will. The funny thing about this lesson, I believed I had already aced the subject. I had gotten a star! I had passed the tests and done well. Although it is the same subject, the bar has been raised… yet again!!!

     I’m not sure why I am surprised about this. It’s not the first time this has happened to me, and I know it won’t be the last. I have let go little by little, but it’s still not enough. 

     Our Papa knows us best…much better than we know ourselves. So much in my will was in need of His dire attention and He loved me too much to let it go any further without His intervention.

     “As long as our will retains whims that are opposed to the divine union…we are still seeking ourselves.”  John van Ruysbroeck, Augustinian and Flemish Mystic

     I couldn’t get to the chapel fast enough! I needed to be with Jesus and allow His love, grace and peace to kiss my wounded heart. I had had two difficult experiences and felt like I was sinking into the great abyss. 

     As I walked into the chapel and saw Jesus, present in the monstrance, a sigh of relief escaped my mouth. Then looking to my right, a dear friend was there with Him as well. Since it was just the three of us, my friend and I began to speak. She noticed my distress and asked how I was doing. As I shared my struggles, I unconsciously, stamped my foot while clenching my hands. My friend stopped me immediately to bring this action to my attention. She told me as I did it, she saw me transform from a woman to a little girl who was clenching her fists and stomping her foot in rebellion. I was not happy with God for the way things were, and she suggested that I bring it all to Him in prayer.

          As I brought my thoughts and feelings to God, I knew what He wanted from me. It wasn’t anything new. It was an attachment that I have let go, little by little, but He wanted more. I have not yet been able to give it totally to Him. 

    The truth of the matter is that I’m afraid. I’m afraid if I give Him what He wants, I’ll be judged by others as indifferent…of not caring…of not loving. But He wants my attachment so He can rightly order my love and affections to be as they should; not grasping for love but loving freely without possessing.

     Papa wants my trust and to fill me to the brim with His love so with His overflowing love, I can give love truly. He doesn’t want me eating crumbs from the floor, when He has invited me to His banquet feast of love. God wants to be my All, not “just enough.”

     On so many levels, God has been stripping me…encouraging me to step into this “new season” with Him. There is a part of me that wants to and a part of me that wants to hold on to the “familiar” and not indulge in the “new wine” that He is fermenting. 

     It’s clear that when I stamp my feet or clench my hands in protest, that I am putting that new wine into the old wine skins and it is bursting the skins and the wine is spilling all over the place. New wine must go in new wine skins. I am being called to trust and change.

     When I spoke to my spiritual director, he made it clear that God is calling me closer to Himself and it’s going to be painful. When I am faced with the voices that call me to eat the crumbs from the floor, I am to treat it as a temptation and do what I must to just say “no!”

     Father told me that God is answering my prayers for possible union with Him and it will not be easy…but it will be worth it! 

     “It makes little difference whether a bird is tied by a thin thread or by a cord. Even if it is tied by thread, the bird will be held bound just as surely as if it were tied by cord; that is, it will be impeded from flying as long as it does not break the thread. Admittedly the thread is easier to break, but no matter how easily this may be done, the bird will not fly away without first doing it. This is the lot of those who are attached to something: No matter how much virtue they have they will not reach the freedom of the divine union.”   Ascent of Mt. Carmel 11:4

     I truly do want to give God most glory by patiently submitting to His will. I want to draw His special delight upon myself and be pleasing to Him. I want to stop seeking myself and seek divine union with God instead. I want to let go of my fear and embrace God’s love because true love casts out all fear.

     Oh, dearest Papa! I come to You as Your little girl. I want to trust You fully and completely, like a babe in the arms of her most loving Father. I want to sleep in Your love and allow You to do what needs to be done in me, because I struggle so to do it on my own. This day, I give You my will and ask that You annihilate all of its rebelliousness. Bestow upon me the gift of total trust and abandonment to Your will, in order that every thread or cord of any attachment which still clings to me will be cut and destroyed. I want to fly to You! I want to reach divine union with You, my dear sweet God! Please, I beg You, make it so! And may I open my hands and keep still my feet as I rest in Your great love. Amen.

     “In this life no one can fulfill his longing, nor can any creature satisfy man’s desire. Only God satisfies; A He infinitely exceeds all other pleasures. That is why man can rest in nothing but God.” Saint Thomas Aquinas