Come Out from Behind the Chair

      “God’s love calls us to move beyond fear. We ask God for the courage to abandon ourselves unreservedly, so that we may be molded by God’s grace, even as we cannot see where the path may lead us.”                                                                                                                      St. Ignatius of Loyola                            

      “During my quiet prayer time, an image began to play out in my mind’s eye. I came to full attention because it was rare for something like this to happen to me.

     Seeing myself as a little girl, probably somewhere between the ages of 3 and 5, hiding behind a large, cushioned chair. It was in the living room of our family home. The image continued to unfold. 

     A man’s voice could be heard speaking to the little girl. “Come out. Don’t be afraid. You don’t have to hide. Come sit on my lap and allow me to hold you tightly, close to my heart. I’m here with you. No need to hide. Please, let go of your fear.”

     Although I did not see the man, I immediately knew it was Papa, my heavenly Father. His words were sweet and gentle, but strong and confidant at the same time. It gave me a great feeling of peace and lifted my heart from the worry and fear I had been carrying around for such a long time now.

     The image brought me back to my early childhood when I was painfully shy and would hide behind that chair, whenever we had company. I did it instinctively as a child, and Papa wanted me to be aware that I was still hiding.

     Fear entered my heart nineteen months ago, and then subsequently, a good number of times since. Each time I thought I had dealt with it and was getting back to myself, when a sudden unexpected and frightening medical situation happened, and FEAR was back with a vengeance!

     Initially the fear stemmed from my husband’s health condition, until nine months ago, when my steady, healthy, and very predictable and reliable body became unfamiliar to me. 

     Good health was something I had really taken for granted for so many years. I was now dealing with an uncertainty and that frightened me!

     I began to feel fragile because each time we thought things were figured out, something would rock the boat of my health, and I’d go falling into the sea of doubt and fright once more. It felt like I was playing the game “Topple” and had no idea what would send everything crashing to the ground.

     I wanted so much to feel confident about things and not worry but was struggling so very much to do so. I wanted to relax and trust God but kept taking the worry back.

     I prayed, spoke to people about it, went to confession for my lack of trust in God, went to Mass and made holy hours. I tried to let go and give it to God for what seemed like a million times but was unable to do so on my own. 

     I’m not sure if part of my problem of not being able to let go was because I expected this to be a little bump in the road that would iron itself out with medication and behave itself. That hasn’t happened…and I believe God wants me to accept my present reality and stop behaving like a frightened little girl and trust Him.

     I think I have to truly give up my expectations of making a pilgrimage to France in the fall and see how things play out. This too I have tried to let go of numerous times, but I am still very attached to wanting to go and visit my little Therese. We were introduced when I was in third grade. She has been a favorite companion since. Having made plans to go there and being disappointed two times already have only increased my desire. But the thought of going and having something happen to me while there is probably what keeps the fear front and center. I believe the unacceptance of my situation is only adding to my angst. I have to trust in God’s goodness and stop trying to make things happen…what I want and when I want it and live in the present moment where God has placed me. Ugh!!!!

     This is such a new experience for me. I have always had good health and been able to do whatever I’ve had or wanted to do. Waiting or not doing has been a real lesson in humility and patience. Also, when I’m feeling well, I’ve truly come to appreciate all those mundane tasks that I’d sometimes complain about. Instead, I thank God I’m feeling well enough to do them…even exercising!

     I also believe that I have to stop looking at what has been taken away from me and appreciate what hasn’t. I know so many people who are much more limited than I and are unable to do ordinary tasks let alone travel.

     Papa wants to free me from my fear and has invited me to come close to Him and trust Him with all my heart. His plan may be different from what I expected or hoped for, but I must remember, His plan is always for my good. 

     I have decided to come out from behind the chair and allow God to be my loving Papa who knows better than I. I will ask St. Therese to help me with my courage and acceptance, who said, “It is true that I am not always faithful, but I never lose courage. I leave myself in the Arms of Our Lord.”

     I must remember to run and climb on the lap of my Papa when the spirit of fear tries to get hold of me, while counting on Him to hold me tightly, close to His loving heart!

     “God loves me infinitely, tenderly, personally, mercifully, first—at this very moment. Because of this, I am to trust the goodness and awesomeness of God’s plan for me always.” St. Leonard Murieldo