Protecting the Fortress of My Soul

      When a person moves toward God: Second rule—In persons who are going on intensely purifying their sins and rising from good to better in the service of God our Lord, the method is contrary to the first rule. For then it is proper to the evil spirit to bite, sadden, and place obstacles, disquieting with false reasons, so that the person may not go forward. And it is proper to the good spirit to give courage and strength, consolations, tears, inspirations, and quiet, easing a taking away all obstacles, so that the person may go forward in doing good.                                                         St. Ignatius of Loyola--Discernment of Spirits                                                                                            

 

     With a heart full of gratitude, sitting before the Lord, I wrote in my journal:

     Oh, My Dear Sweet God, 

     The revelation that You gave me about being a pilgrim on this pilgrimage back to You was a game changer!

     Now, although nothing in my life has changed with that knowledge, at the same time, everything is different! I feel like I can finally accept my reality… Jonathan’s and my health, the pilgrimages that I judged were not pilgrimages at all, and the future with all its unknowns.

     I’d like to believe that I will be continually good and accepting of everything from here on out, but I know that I am weak and little and unless You do it with me, I could fail.

     But Papa, I want to be that little girl who falls asleep in her Papa’s arms without a care or worry in the world. I do not want to have an entitlement attitude that expects things to always go smoothly and there are no disappointments. 

     What pride and audacity on my part! Please forgive and remove my presumption.

     I want instead to trust You to spoon-feed me exactly what I need and to learn to not only be content but be grateful for Your loving care.

     Help me to truly be the pilgrim who trusts implicitly the journey as it is laid before and made present to me, every moment of my life, for the remainder of my sojourn here. 

     Let it be done unto me according to Your will! Amen! Alleluia!

     After I finished my journal entry, I sat thanking and praising God! My heart was so full of gratitude and love for my Blessed Three and like Peter, James and John on Mt. Tabor, I wanted to build a tent and just stay there. But like the apostles, it was time to leave and return to level ground.

     Sometime between my leaving the chapel and later that evening, I began to feel a bit unsettled. I did not know what it was or why I was beginning to feel a low level of agitation. 

     By the next day, the feeling had intensified. I began to feel overwhelmed by the fact that I was actually going to try to be a pilgrim for the rest of my life and say yes to everything coming from God. I no longer had the confidence as before but wanted to renege on my promise. 

     The exhilaration I had been feeling turned to discouragement. I had gone from flying high to taking a nosedive and crashing. I was not expecting this, and it took me by surprise. 

     I should have realized that the evil one would send his minions to bite me and do their best to bring me down. I began to be self-focused and doubts were being placed in my mind and heart. The evil spirits were trying their best to discourage me from retaining the new identity I had embraced.      

     I was being taunted by doubts: “You will never be able to do this for the rest of your life! Sure, you could do it on a pilgrimage; after all, that’s only 12 or 13 days. Who are you kidding—the rest of your life?”

     It was clear to me that I needed to do something to take my focus off of myself and tackle a task that I’d been avoiding. My sister Rachael called as I was working, and she could hear in my voice that I was struggling. When I related my dilemma, she said, “Did you say get behind me Satan?”

     I told her that I had not initially recognized it as an attack because it began as a low-level unsettledness. It wasn’t until I gave it a voice in our conversation that the mask had been removed and the culprit uncovered. 

     With the truth now revealed, I could see that what I had missed previously. The minions did their best trying to convince me of my inability to accomplish my promise to God. They wanted me to believe that it was all up to me. They were hellbent in establishing the fact that I would fail! This was not something I could do for very long, let alone for the rest of my life.

     Because I had allowed them to turn me in on myself and become self-absorbed, sadness and discouragement blurred my vision. I could not see clearly or respond as the daughter of the Most High God. 

     Once I brought the situation into the light, the jig was up and at that moment, I recognized the truth with certainty.

     My response to my attackers came forth: “You are correct. I cannot do this for the rest of my life – in fact, I cannot do it for any amount of time. But I am Papa’s little one and I can do all things in Christ Jesus. I can do it with God’s help and grace. He knows how very little I am and what I’m capable of doing, so He will do it with me.”

     Recognizing the lie and speaking the truth began the process of overcoming the temptation. St. Ignatius calls it desolation and in his rules of discernment of spirits, he gives clear advice on how to deal with our struggles and overcome them in our relationship with God. 

     At the time of his conversion, St. Ignatius became aware of the spiritual movements of his heart. This resulted in one of his gifts to the church: The 14 rules for the discernment of spirits. They give you a blueprint of how to navigate through consolations, as well as desolations.

     Both consolations and desolations are a big part of the spiritual life. Father Timothy Gallagher has a wonderful book on discernment of spirits. It filled with invaluable knowledge to practice in assisting us as we strive to grow closer to God. 

     We must not give the devil and his minions too much attention, but at the same time, realize that when we have made a remarkable step to growing in our love and trust for God, that the enemy is watching and waiting to trip us up.

     After I had recognized the wiles of the enemy, my negative feelings eventually dissipated. As day the progressed, I noticed I was starting to feel some unrest and dissatisfaction. St. Ignatius points out in his rules how vital it is to go back over your day, conversations and thoughts, to discover how and when these feelings began. 

     St. Ignatius discovered that when we overcome the devil in one area, he searches for other weak places. It is similar to the enemy who sends soldiers ahead of the battle to see where the wall, protecting the fortress can be breeched. They cannot break through the wall, unless weaknesses or cracks are discovered. Then they can gain entry. 

     We have something similar protecting our soul and the minions cannot enter without our permission. 

     After I discovered the other weakness, in which he was trying to gain access, I had to be diligent and protect the wall to my soul. It is usually not a once and done, but a continual battle for a while. They do not give us easily!

     With practice and vigilance, along with God’s grace, you can find peace and freedom for a time. One must expect to experience both desolations as well as consolations with unremarkable times interspersed. We call that ordinary time.

     Father Gallagher ends his book with the following statement: Discernment of spirits is the quest for that freedom, a spiritual adventure that leads surely to the God whose love never ceases to call our hearts. 

     We already know the end of this story: Jesus is victorious! But He did not achieve the victory without an out and out battle. He was very aware of the enemy but did not allow him to have any power over him. We must do the same.

     When Jesus began His ministry, He was clear about who He was, and what He was called to do. He proclaimed that truth in the synagogue: “The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me to bring glad tidings to the poor. He has sent Me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to let the oppressed go free” Lk. 4:18.

     Do not allow the evil spirits to oppress or keep you captive. You are a child of God, and your soul has been bought at a great price. Cling to your identity and your Savior!

     “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” John 8:36.