Recognize the Gift -- Accept It

     I don’t know about you, but when it comes to the spiritual life, I tend to be a slow learner. But I am blessed to have a “Papa” who loves me unconditionally and is so very patient. He has an image of the woman He has called me to be from all eternity, and realizes that I am a “work in progress.” God usually teaches me a lesson and then uses the events of my life so I can practice each of them – again and again and again – until I finally “get it!” Such was the case this past Advent and Christmas season.


     I’m really not sure why, but for some strange reason I had the mistaken expectation, that if you  believed and focused on all the “right activities” of Advent: daily Mass, prayer time, reading Advent reflections, and received the Sacrament of Reconciliation to prepare your soul for Christ, that you would or should be filled with joy! Not only joy, but a deep feeling of peace, that permeates your entire being.

     Well I did not feel joyful, or peaceful. I felt sad and didn’t know why. I was perplexed! I was not only  doing Advent devotions, but I had intentionally paced myself with my Christmas shopping, and had eliminated other activities that I judged would be too much for me to do this year. I wanted Advent to be meaningful and had done everything in my power to try to lasso and hold onto -- the Peace of Christ; to no avail.

     I did not want to have this deep interior sadness. I wanted to be joy filled and a light to our dark secular world. I wanted Christ’s light to burst forth from me, to remind those who had forgotten Jesus, to turn back to Him. I wanted those who were oblivious to know and love Him. I wanted Jesus to be their “reason for the season.” Because of my sad feelings, I felt like a traitor to God. What kind of witness was I anyway? Why did I feel this way? Lent was a time of suffering, but Advent?

     I shared my feelings with a dear friend. She prayed with me and in her mind she saw an image of Mary on the donkey, with St. Joseph leading her to Bethlehem. My friend reminded me that the first Advent was not an easy time for Mary. Our Lady was very pregnant with the Christ Child and the journey was long and difficult. But despite the difficulties and challenges that Mary faced, she placed her faith and trust in God and St. Joseph, and remained focused.

     My friend told me to climb on the donkey with Mary and stay close to her. I was to surrender and be at peace, realizing that I was close to Mary and Jesus, and that St. Joseph was holding the reigns. She reminded me that Jesus was to be born in me, and God knew the best route to bring that about.

     The image of being on the donkey with the Holy Family resonated in my spirit. It did not take away my sadness, but helped me to place my trust, once again, in God. Reminding myself of the danger of gauging the state of my spirituality on the unpredictability of my feelings, was a help. I also tried to surrender each time my schedule was changed, or my plans high jacked, by picturing myself on the donkey with Mary and Jesus, while St. Joseph directed me.

     Even with this image in mind, my interior suffering continued. I seemed to be struggling so. I was not surrendering to God and realized I was lacking in trust. I wanted to feel joy and could not make it happen. I knew I needed His special sacramental graces. I decided to avail myself to the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

     I confessed my lack of trust in God, and my struggle in accepting this interior suffering. I confessed how I tried to do what I could to make it go away, and the sin of pride in believing it was something that I could control. I confessed my anger with God at my own helplessness and lack of control. While confessing, I suddenly realized that the very thing that was making me feel sad, was the fact that I could not make people think about God and love Him. When I realized that, I then confessed my unwillingness to share in the cross of Christ. What God had given me was a gift to unite my sufferings with His and possibly help in turning some hearts back to Him. I had been totally unaware of this salvific opportunity until that moment. God had brought all of my struggles to light and I was finally able to see and understand.

     Father gave me my penance and after I prayed it, I spent some time with God, asking for His forgiveness for my blindness, and for the grace to see and accept His gifts in the future.

     The Monday before Christmas, my sadness lifted. It left just as it had come, quite unexpectedly. I thanked and praised God knowing this too was a gift. My heart swelled with the joy and peace of Christ! I felt like it was singing.

     Filled with joy, I continued on my journey through Christmas and the days that followed up to the feast of the Epiphany. Suddenly, the grief returned with a vengeance. It took me by surprise. I knew that joy was a gift that would not last and that God had a reason in allowing the sadness to return.

     This time I told God that I accepted His gift, realizing it was precious. I imaged myself back on the donkey, remembering that I was being led by St. Joseph. I asked God to give me insight into this turn of events.

     In the recesses of my heart, God told me that Epiphany is the day when He was made known to the Gentiles. He was recognized by some, but to most, He was just another little baby. Today in our world, He is forgotten by many, while to others, not recognized as God. He was inviting me to share in His suffering because He loved me so very much. This was a gift He was offering and I did not want to refuse Him. This time I thanked Him for the gift.

     We are now in the New Year, and liturgically, back to “ordinary time,” but I decided to stay on the donkey. I do not know what this year holds in store, but I know that God wants Jesus to be born in me. It may mean at times, making a difficult journey -- entering the desert of Egypt, like the Holy Family did – and feeling like an alien in a foreign land. Being in a place where you’d rather not be, when illness strikes, job loss, or other challenges come your way.

     At times we will experience the peace and joy of returning to Nazareth, as we feel all the comforts of “being home” – but these times will not last. The lesson our good God was trying so hard to teach me is that in order to give birth to Christ, we must suffer and labor. “Doing” all the religious devotions in the world, is not meant to make us feel good, but to give God the love and attention He so deserves. Because He loves us so much, our good God is inviting us to suffer with Him. Use these sufferings to bring those who do not know Him, do not love Him, into His great light! This is an invitation to open the doors of grace for those who would otherwise, not open them. Do not turn Him away! Accept the gift, along with the grace to suffer with Christ, so He may be born in you, and then in turn, in many others.

     “Amen, amen, I say to you, you will weep and mourn, while the world rejoices: you will grieve, but your grief will become joy. When a women is in labor, she is in anguish because her hour has arrived; but when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the pain because of her joy that a child has been born into the world” (Jn 16 vs. 20 – 21).

     Have the courage to stay on the donkey. Allow God to take you where He needs you. Surrender your life completely; embracing the sorrows with the joys. When we can do this and unite all to Christ, we will then have the grace to accept the gift of spiritual motherhood and rejoice in the birth of the children of God!