The Jig Was Up!

     As Truth stood before me, I could not deny His presence. His gaze penetrated my heart and soul. Although I knew “the jig was up,” there was a part of me that felt grateful and relieved. I did not want to be like “the rich young man and walk away sad,” but own my actions and ask for God’s mercy.

     Since my last “awakening,” I had been trying so very hard, “to sell everything in order to buy the Pearl of Great Price.” I felt determined to rid myself of all inordinate attachments and stop hindering my progress of union with God. I did not want to settle for baubles any longer when I could acquire THE Pearl of Great Price. I really believed I could do it this time, but I was mistaken.

     As I pondered this truth, a several scriptures, along with spiritual teachings from saints, raced through my mind. I found myself running in circles because I wanted to examine each one at once to find a solution to my dilemma. I knew I had to slow down, be patient and allow Sasha to take the lead.

     I took a deep breath and asked for His guidance. This idea surfaced: holy scripture was speaking of the Kingdom of God in the parable about the pearl. Who attains the Kingdom of God? Hmmm? Oh! Blessed are the poor in spirit: those who know of their nothingness and God’s greatness is how I understood it.

     I then went to a favorite bible commentary to see how he described the poor in spirit. Esamo Leiva-Merikakis translation: “How fortunate those who beg for their life’s very breath!” He gave many examples of how our longing for God should be constant and strong: a complete awareness of our dependance upon God for our next breath. “What Jesus here intends is most likely not a neatly spiritualized attitude of interior detachment, but an existence (one’s very breath, each moment we inhale air) wholly dependent upon God’s mercy and providence. To be thus radially dependent, to long for God in this way, is declared to be the greatest fortune and bliss. To cling to God with one’s whole being and have nothing to offer of one’s own is the highest fulfillment and ecstasy.”

     Different thoughts filled my mind. Although I have never had a breathing problem, I have witnessed those who did. The fear, the anxiousness, the worry and concern about being able to take another breath seemed terrifying to them. Those who had faith, prayed and begged God desperately, for that next breath, realizing they were at a loss to make it happen themselves. They were radically dependent upon Him and they knew it. 

     It became clear to me; I was still depending too much upon myself to “sell everything” and not enough on God. I had been “hard knuckling it,” doing my best to overcome myself. I was not coming to God empty handed of self, but full, unable to receive the graces necessary. I was looking to myself to take my next breath instead of turning to God. 

     I then turned to the book, The Beatitudes by Thomas Reid, to the section on the poor in spirit. 

     In examining St. Teresa of Jesus’ teachings, he gleaned; Entry into the Kingdom is a gradual process, likening it to the planting and journey of the mustard seed. He compared the seeds progress to St. Teresa’s “Interior Castle,” and the seven dwelling places where we finally arrive in the deepest center of the castle where God dwells. 

     On this journey, there will be many temptations to turn back and not proceed. Besides determination, humility will be needed because the specter of self-knowledge can be painful. We will see our deceptions and will finally realize that the removal of their imperfections and sinfulness cannot be accomplished by ourselves. Without humility, we would fail. Although we must do our part, with God’s help of course, our advance forward is up to God. We must place our hope in Him, because He is the one calling us closer to Him. It will not happen though without purification and suffering and ridding us of all that is keeping us from entering the Kingdom.

     The next scripture that presented itself was from Luke 14: 28-30: “Which of you wishing to construct a tower does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if there is enough for its completion? Otherwise, after laying the foundation and finding himself unable to finish the work onlookers should laugh at him and say, ‘This one began to build but did not have their resources to finish.”’

     I thought I had counted the cost, to divest myself of my inordinate attachments. I believe, at least initially, that I was depending upon God and His grace. When I examine my behavior in the light of truth, I can see that at some point I expected to see some results from my efforts. I was not aware of any. Because of this I began to give in just a little at a time, until the presence of God’s Truth could hide no longer. God knew my heart. He knew my initial motive was sincere. He knew how very weak I am and how I had deceived myself, so He came to my rescue!

     Little did I know that the Gospel for this Sunday, the Twenty-Third of Ordinary Time, contains the passage of Luke’s which is written above. It begins with verses 25-28: Great crowds were traveling with Jesus, and He turned and addressed them, “If anyone comes to me without hating his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple”

     In my earnest quest for God, I had grown weary and forgot the steep cost of discipleship. I wanted to feel the love and caress of God forgetting it would be difficult and humanly impossible. I had not yet come, to depend upon God for my every breath, my every thought, my every movement. I was still expecting too much of myself and my feeble efforts. I needed to be visited by Truth and humbly receive the gift of self-knowledge so I could allow God to work in me. 

     But the visit of Truth was not enough, along with my search through scriptures and the wisdom of saints. It was knowledge that I acquired and not contrition and sorrow for offending God. Hours later, I fell.

     The revelation did not come until the morning after. As I sat in prayer with God and asked Him, “how did I fall so quickly?”

     He revealed to me that although I asked for His mercy to help me, it was to achieve a goal…reach an end… conquer myself and be free. My heart was not broken for having chosen something over Him. Instead, I was disappointed in myself. Contrition hadn’t broken open my heart to allow Him entrance, so He could begin to heal what needed to be healed.

     This time I did not need to go to bible commentaries. I did not need to go to the saints. I needed to be totally honest with myself and my dear sweet God and ask Him for true forgiveness. 

     My heart now ached for God and the pain I had caused Him. I would go to the Sacrament of Penance as soon as possible, to confess my sins and receive His healing grace. 

     “Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God” Matt 5:8

     I had failed because my heart was not yet pure, nor were my motives for wanting to see God. Until my heart is purified by His love, I would continue to fail. 

     It became crystal clear: I needed a new heart and only God is able to create a new heart in me. I will go to Him like David—ask for forgiveness and a new heart! One that is steadfast and true to God. One that will not betray Him, but cling to Him and depend upon Him for everything!

     I am once again humbled and grateful to God for His great love and patience with me. I do not want to allow anything or anyone, let alone myself, to hinder my journey to the center of the Castle, my heart, where the King dwells. I have to remember to depend on God and the fact that He wants this even more than I do. Like a good Papa, He will direct me back on the path when I wander off and hold me close to His heart.

     “Have mercy on me, O God, in Your goodness; in the goodness of Your compassion wipe out my offense. Thoroughly wash me from my guilt and of my sin cleanse me. For I acknowledge my offense and my sin is before me always: Against You only have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight. A clean heart create for me, O God, and a steadfast spirit renew within me. Cast me not out from Your presence, and Your Holy Spirit take not from me. Give me back the joy of Your salvation, and a willing spirit sustain in me” Psalm 51: 3-6, 12-14.

     “Probe me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my thoughts; See if my way is crooked, and lead me in the way of old” Psalm 139: 23-24.

     “O God, be merciful to me, a sinner” Luke 18: 13.

     “I will give thanks to You, O Lord, with all my heart, for You have heard the words of my mouth; in the presence of the angels I will sing Your praise!” Psalm 138: 1.