Better for the Telling

      Although the fog that had surrounded me in my grief had lifted, the pain and loss was still present. The holidays are a difficult time to navigate, especially the first one when your loved one is not there.

     I tried to focus on others, especially Sarah’s husband and children, offering my loss up for them in the hope of just maybe, easing their pain. 

     I was also hosting Christmas, which was a good way to push through, keep busy and do the next thing to be prepared for the big day.

     I had gone to confession and readied my soul. I was able to truly forgive myself for the things I had thought, and the way I had felt. The priest told me to be gentle with myself. We do not have control of the way grief hits us and he assured me that both Sarah and God understood. I am always so grateful for all the graces that are received in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Whether I ‘feel’ differently or not, I know the graces are showered down upon me!

     One of the ways Sarah’s loss had a positive effect upon me, was that it heightened my gratitude for my husband, our children, their spouses and our grandchildren. They have always been precious to me, but the fact that we had this time together was received as the gift it truly is. We were blessed to be together, and I would enjoy every minute!

     On Christmas morning, I stole some quiet time to open Sarah’s gift to me. It still amazed me that she had the presence of mind to choose gifts for all of her loved ones. I pondered what it could be as I opened it. It was a hand forged nail, called the “Christmas Nail.” It was to be placed on your tree on a sturdy branch but hidden from well-wishers. It is to be hung with the thought: The Christmas tree but foreshadows the Christ tree which only He could decorate for us, with nails such as these. The nail is known only to the home that hangs it and understood, only by the heart that understands it.

     Wow, Sarah! This is quite the gift…one I will ponder and cherish for years to come. Thank you!

     Our Christmas celebration was wonderful, but short-lived. Several days after Christmas, I tested positive for covid. Although I did not feel sick, I still had to isolate. That put an end to the remaining of our planned festivities.

     I took it as a retreat. I read, prayed, watched religious movies, listened to spiritual podcasts and just rested. It seemed like a gift. I had been so busy for so many months and now everything just slowed down and I could actually allow myself the luxury of stillness. It was really good for me, and I felt Sarah’s presence there with me. 

     On the last day of the year, I always write a letter to Papa: this year would be no different. It had been a year that I had truly been looking forward to for many years! 2022… Little did I know all that it would entail. So many blessings and surprises! So many cherished memories! So many thorns strewn among the roses!

     I began to review the past year with all its highs and lows. I thanked God for everything…even the difficult parts and His faithfulness in giving me the graces to handle it all. I then asked that He continue to be with me in the new year with all that it holds. I then gave Him once again, my will, my heart, my soul, my life. I petitioned Papa to open doors that need to be opened and close doors that need to be closed. I asked that He make it clear if I am to write again, and asked Sarah to intercede as well. I asked Papa for the grace to use my life as He wanted me to and not waste any day…to give me the grace to be grateful for each day here on earth, until He calls me to Himself.

     The next day was New Years Day, and I was still quarantined. After ‘virtual’ Mass and prayers prayed, I checked my email. This was in the subject line: Any inspirations? It was from one of Sarah’s friends who had approached me at the funeral luncheon to ask about Avia Joy. She wasn’t sure if she subscribed or not and did not want to miss the next one when it was published…however long it takes. She mentioned the last one I had written had helped her very much. She just read it again and needed to take it to heart. 

     I responded that I was touched by her words and explained how she could subscribe if she wasn’t already. I told her how edified and affirmed I was by Sarah’s friends who had approached me at the luncheon to share how Avia Joy had impacted their lives. I asked that she pray and intercede for me to know what God’s will is for me and my writing. I told her I’ve been bugging Sarah to make it clear also. I would let her know when and if I wrote again.

     I began to ask family and friends to intercede for this special intention. I couldn’t just sit down and write something. Papa was the one who inspired me with different thoughts that would come as a trickle at first, and then a stream and finally a river.

     I was speaking to a friend and telling her about the interest in Avia Joy and my prayer petition. She asked me how I will know if I’m supposed to write. I told her that Papa would somehow let me know. She then told me that she believed He has done that already! In fact, my story with Sarah’s friends asking me to write again and then the email received in the new year remined her of a joke: a man was in a flood. He prayed and asked God to save him. A policeman came to rescue him. He told the policeman he was waiting for God to save him. A boat then came to help him. He told the person in the boat he was waiting for God to save him. A man in a helicopter came. He again replied he didn’t need help. God was going to save him. The man drowned. When he arrived in heaven, he asked God why He didn’t save him. God responded that he tried. He sent a policeman, a boat and a helicopter. 

     My friend told me that God had given me the answer. He sent Sarah’s friends to tell me and like the man in the flood, I didn’t realize God had sent all those people to answer my question. A big smile came over my face and I laughed. How could I be so dim? Why didn’t I see it?

     It seemed like the ‘awakening’ opened a flood gate of thoughts and ideas. “Would I write about Sarah? I had just done her eulogy and maybe I could share that?” 

     I continued to listen and pray. A scripture kept coming to me. It was from the book of Tobit. “A king’s secret it is prudent to keep, but the works of God are to be declared and make known.” Tobit 12:7

     God had blessed me in so many ways that past year and He wanted me to make His great works known. Sarah would be a part of it, and her story of a life well lived, but more than that…all the miracles that happened and continue to happen every day. He wanted me to share my story as well, and the way He was working in my life. God wanted me to go through it again, so I could be aware of all He had done and share it with others. Enabling us to be aware of all the ways He works in our lives and gives us hope. 

     Through Sarah and her friends, He had breathed new life into Avia Joy. She was once again a ‘song in my heart that He wanted me to sing’…to sing and give praise and glory to God! 

     “Thank God! Give Him the praise and the glory. Before all the living, acknowledge the many good things He has done for you, by blessing and extolling His name in song. Before all men, honor and proclaim God’s deeds, and do not be slack in praising Him.”          Tobit 12:6

     I have finished the story I set out to tell. It did take some time, but I am better for the telling. My story will continue as God reveals to me just what He wants me to share. Please stay with me on my journey and give glory and praise to our good God!

     “This is the day the Lord has made; let us be glad and rejoice in it.”    Psalm 118:24