PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!!!!!

      “Mary’s childlike trust consists in giving a full yes to God – without knowing everything this yes implies. This complete yes is full of trust, not of detailed knowledge of what is to come. In his encyclical on Mary, Pope St. John Paul II captured this dimension of her faith: ‘To believe means ‘to abandon oneself’ to the truth of the word of the living God, knowing and humbly recognizing ‘how unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways’ (Rom. 11:33)’ (Redemptoris Mater, no. 14). Mary teaches us how to say yes, too, with her childlike simplicity and trust, even when the full truth often lies in darkness.”                                                                                                                                                                                                 Icon of Trust – Fr Slawomir Szkredka

     Unlike our Mother Mary, I have been struggling with giving my full yes to God.    

     I feel like I have been living under “the cloud of unknowing” for the last year and a half. I wrestle with God Who asks for my full and complete trust.

Astonishing Revelation

     “To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that love is the reason for my existence, for God is love. Love is my true identity. Selflessness is my true self. Love is my true character. Love is my name. If therefore, I do anything or think anything or say anything or know anything that is not purely for the love of God, it cannot give me peace, or rest, or fulfilment, or joy. To find love I must enter into the sanctuary where it is hidden, which is the mystery of God.”    
                                                                                                                   Thomas Merton


     I was struggling with a particular relationship for a good while. Over time, I could see I was distancing myself from them. I was not calling or communicating with this person as frequently, as I had previously. I had justified my change of behavior as warranted. There was a change: they were acting differently.

     I was also struggling with some challenging circumstances myself and was not on my “A game.” It was a lot of work for me to act like everything was okay when I was in their company. I did not want to share my struggles with them. Even though I truly did love this person, I could feel a wall rising between us. I did not want to end the relationship; I would just do what I thought necessary and no more. I had to protect myself.

     My plan managed to fool me for a little while. We have a way of justifying circumstances when it is difficult to deal with them. I needed to convince myself and believe that what I was doing was right, especially before God. He sees into our hearts, minds, wounds and motives. We cannot hide the truth from Him.

     I began to struggle with my decision. I tried and tried to be at peace with it, but it was haunting me. Was I being a hypocrite or was I truly protecting myself from additional pain? I wasn’t sure. I felt uncertain. I would go back and forth with my conclusions, wrestling within myself.

     I was aware that as we grow closer to God, He often allows situations to test and purify our love. He calls us to love unconditionally as He does. He was giving me a perfect opportunity to do so, yet I wanted to run as far away from this call to love. I wanted to give Him all the reasons and excuses that I did not have to love like He does, in this instance, anyway.

     Thanks, be to God, I do enter into the sanctuary where Love is hidden. While spending time with God in private prayer, as well as before the Blessed Sacrament, He began to reveal my heart to me. He began to allow me to see myself from the perspective of the other person. He allowed me to see the confusion and hurt they were feeling. They were perplexed at the way my actions had changed toward them. He allowed me to see that they too were carrying struggles and burdens.

      God was opening my eyes up to see someone other than myself. He was giving me His eyes, mind, heart and love for this person. He was dilating my stingy, shriveled heart into a heart more like His, filled with merciful and generous love.

     This realization allowed me to see I had not been reflecting God’s image. My behavior was screaming that love was not the reason for my existence. I was not acting as if love was my true identity, that selflessness was my true self, that love was my true character or that love was my name. In this relationship, I was living a lie and God knew it. Now I did.

     I was astonished at this revelation! I truly had not seen it before. I asked God for forgiveness and drank in His mercy. I thanked Him for His great love for me in pointing out my behavior. I take my relationship with God quite seriously and never want to hold on to sin or justify unloving behavior. My heart was filled with peace, rest, fulfilment and joy! I immediately began to think of ways to “make it up” to this person for my lack of love. God had filled my heart with His love for them and I welcomed the occasions to pour it down upon them.

     Later that week, this great gift of God was culminated by receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Even though I had already asked God for His forgiveness, it felt wonderful to be assured through the priest, who sits in Persona Christi, through the words of absolution. I was grateful as well, for all the graces I received to carry out my new plan of loving.

     I’d like to say that I’ve learned my lesson on loving as God does, and I’ve passed onto the next class, but loving as He does will be a lifelong challenge. It does not come easy. But our God is a patient God and knows all our wounds and weaknesses. He will never give up on us. May we never give up on ourselves.

     “Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God. Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love. If we love one another, God remains in us, and His love is brought to perfection in us” (Jn 4: 7-8,12).
    
    
 

Stand Firm

     “A man must go through a long and great conflict in himself before he can learn fully to overcome himself, and to draw his whole affection towards God. When a man stands upon himself he is easily drawn aside after human comforts. But a true lover of Christ, and a diligent pursuer of virtue, does not hunt after comforts, nor seek such sensible sweetnesses, but is rather willing to bear strong trials and hard labors for Christ.”                
                                                                               Thomas a’ Kempis


     I claim and long to be a true lover of Christ, but lately, I have very much felt like St. Paul: “The willing is ready at hand, but doing the good is not. For I do not do the good I want, but I do the evil I do not want” (Rm. 7: 18b-19).

     For the last few months, I have been struggling so much in areas of my life with issues which, for quite some time, I thought I had overcome. What used to be easy and effortless, is now, more difficult than previously. I was under the impression that the battles I had fought so hard to win and overcome, were behind me. Boy, was I mistaken!

     “When an unclean spirit goes out of a person it roams through arid regions searching for rest but finds none. Then it says, ‘I will return to my home from which I came.’ But returning, it finds it empty, swept clean, and put in order. Then it goes and brings back with itself seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they move in and dwell there; and the last condition of that person is worse than the first” (Mt. 12: 43-45).

     Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m possessed by an evil spirit, but by leaving my guard down, I had become somewhat proud. I had come “to stand upon myself and have allowed myself to be drawn after human comforts.” I had stopped listening to that little voice from the Holy Spirit, warning me about my weaknesses. I had depended far too much upon myself, and lost my footing. I had become soft and lost my stamina to engage the enemy within. At times, I have even forgotten that there is a battle!

     In the past, when I had overcome “myself,” it was with much effort. I had to work very hard and depend upon God completely. I knew that I was weak and helpless. I did not trust myself, but put my trust in God. Humility was my strength. I recognized my littleness and helplessness. But at the same time, I knew that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Ph 4:13).

     I want to take back “my home.” I want Christ to “sweep it out for me and put it in order.” I no longer want to feel like the Pharisees, “who cleanse the outside of the cup and the dish, inside you are filled with plunder and evil” (Lk 11: 39-40).  I don’t want to feel like a hypocrite. I want God to be the tenant in my home. I want Him to occupy my heart fully. I want to be free once again!

     “For freedom Christ set us free; so stand firm and do not submit again to the yoke of slavery” (Gal 5:1). “For you were called to freedom, brothers. But do not use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh” (Gal 5:13).

     St. Paul tells us that we must not submit to “our flesh.” I have said yes to myself, far too much lately. I need to learn to say no. I do not want to produce the fruits of the flesh, but those of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal 5:22).

     If I live by the Spirit and listen to His promptings I will grow in His glorious fruits, one of which is self- control. It is not something I can just muster on my own – not for long anyway! As I try to live a virtuous life, I need and long for all the other fruits of the Spirit to assist me. I cannot fight this battle without them, nor bear the trials and labors which present themselves daily.

     I need to look beyond myself and look to God and His great love for me. When we truly love someone, we are willing to do all that we can to prove our love. So easily forgetting ourselves, thinking only of them, we are willing to die to all that separates us. I have to reject and say no to all that keeps me from truly loving God. I cannot do this on my own. I need God’s help. I need His love and mercy!

     In my previous post, The Wonders of God’s Ways, we discovered that Jesus’ heart burns with His graces of love and mercy which are rejected by many. He is looking for souls to receive these graces. I do not want to be counted among those who reject Christ's love, nor do you. I don’t want to the one who turns her back on Christ for a fleeting pleasure. I’m certain you do not either. In our times of temptation, when we are tempted to give in to the desires of our flesh, run to Jesus instead. We mustn’t ignore His call. It is the yearning and deep desire of our souls to be filled with Him. The passing things of this world will not fill us! Let us ask Christ to pour, in abundance, the rejected love and mercy that is bringing pain to His Heart. In return, we’ll shower Jesus with our love, as we turn our eyes toward Him. He will strengthen us. He will carry us when necessary.

     Don’t give up the fight; God will become your All!
   
    
    

Sarah and I

     I loved my sister Sarah very much and except when she was a “big shot” eighth grader and I was in her eyes, a “nerdy” sixth grader, we got along famously.

     Our names were often spoken in unison, like Peter and Paul, James and John, Simon and Jude. Where Sarah was, I was not far behind. We both felt very blessed, not only to be sisters, but very dear friends.

Resting In God

     “There is a state of resting in God, an absolute break from all intellectual activity, when one forms no plans, makes no decisions and for the first time really ceases to act, when one simply hands over the future to God’s will and ‘surrenders himself to fate.’” St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross



     We LONG to rest in God: To abandon ourselves completely and forever to His will. It is something we have been yearning for, but struggling to do for such a long time.