Astonishing Revelation

     “To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that love is the reason for my existence, for God is love. Love is my true identity. Selflessness is my true self. Love is my true character. Love is my name. If therefore, I do anything or think anything or say anything or know anything that is not purely for the love of God, it cannot give me peace, or rest, or fulfilment, or joy. To find love I must enter into the sanctuary where it is hidden, which is the mystery of God.”    
                                                                                                                   Thomas Merton


     I was struggling with a particular relationship for a good while. Over time, I could see I was distancing myself from them. I was not calling or communicating with this person as frequently, as I had previously. I had justified my change of behavior as warranted. There was a change: they were acting differently.

     I was also struggling with some challenging circumstances myself and was not on my “A game.” It was a lot of work for me to act like everything was okay when I was in their company. I did not want to share my struggles with them. Even though I truly did love this person, I could feel a wall rising between us. I did not want to end the relationship; I would just do what I thought necessary and no more. I had to protect myself.

     My plan managed to fool me for a little while. We have a way of justifying circumstances when it is difficult to deal with them. I needed to convince myself and believe that what I was doing was right, especially before God. He sees into our hearts, minds, wounds and motives. We cannot hide the truth from Him.

     I began to struggle with my decision. I tried and tried to be at peace with it, but it was haunting me. Was I being a hypocrite or was I truly protecting myself from additional pain? I wasn’t sure. I felt uncertain. I would go back and forth with my conclusions, wrestling within myself.

     I was aware that as we grow closer to God, He often allows situations to test and purify our love. He calls us to love unconditionally as He does. He was giving me a perfect opportunity to do so, yet I wanted to run as far away from this call to love. I wanted to give Him all the reasons and excuses that I did not have to love like He does, in this instance, anyway.

     Thanks, be to God, I do enter into the sanctuary where Love is hidden. While spending time with God in private prayer, as well as before the Blessed Sacrament, He began to reveal my heart to me. He began to allow me to see myself from the perspective of the other person. He allowed me to see the confusion and hurt they were feeling. They were perplexed at the way my actions had changed toward them. He allowed me to see that they too were carrying struggles and burdens.

      God was opening my eyes up to see someone other than myself. He was giving me His eyes, mind, heart and love for this person. He was dilating my stingy, shriveled heart into a heart more like His, filled with merciful and generous love.

     This realization allowed me to see I had not been reflecting God’s image. My behavior was screaming that love was not the reason for my existence. I was not acting as if love was my true identity, that selflessness was my true self, that love was my true character or that love was my name. In this relationship, I was living a lie and God knew it. Now I did.

     I was astonished at this revelation! I truly had not seen it before. I asked God for forgiveness and drank in His mercy. I thanked Him for His great love for me in pointing out my behavior. I take my relationship with God quite seriously and never want to hold on to sin or justify unloving behavior. My heart was filled with peace, rest, fulfilment and joy! I immediately began to think of ways to “make it up” to this person for my lack of love. God had filled my heart with His love for them and I welcomed the occasions to pour it down upon them.

     Later that week, this great gift of God was culminated by receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Even though I had already asked God for His forgiveness, it felt wonderful to be assured through the priest, who sits in Persona Christi, through the words of absolution. I was grateful as well, for all the graces I received to carry out my new plan of loving.

     I’d like to say that I’ve learned my lesson on loving as God does, and I’ve passed onto the next class, but loving as He does will be a lifelong challenge. It does not come easy. But our God is a patient God and knows all our wounds and weaknesses. He will never give up on us. May we never give up on ourselves.

     “Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God. Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love. If we love one another, God remains in us, and His love is brought to perfection in us” (Jn 4: 7-8,12).