Let Go and Trust

     My husband had been after me for some time to remove the crib from our office. After all, I was not watching any of our grandchildren in our home anymore, and the crib was just taking up space.

     Although what he said was true, emotionally I wasn’t ready to pack it up and give it away. There was a part of me that wanted to keep it up, in the hopes that it would be needed for one of our sweet grandbabies. 

     I had been watching grandchildren for over 20 years at this point. Truth be told, the long days of watching them on a regular basis were behind me, physically. Although I enjoyed it, I did not have the energy level I had in my younger years. I still loved spending time with them, but in shorter spans. 

     I believed that putting the crib away would be closing the door on this aspect of my life, and it was something I did not want to do.

     An active dialogue about the subject was continuing between Jonathan and me. It was becoming clear that I was putting too much resistance. This often indicated I was dealing with an inordinate attachment…one that I was unwilling to let go.

     I felt threatened and fearful. I loved spending time with my grandchildren. Would this action signal an end to all of that? Would it send out an unintended message? I somehow knew what my husband was saying made sense, but I was holding on tightly!

     I knew I had to talk to Papa about all this; these thoughts and feelings with which I was wrestling.

     “Papa, I feel so threatened by all of this and I’m not sure why. Jon is right. We have a port-a-crib if we need it. It’s not closing a door to them. And he’s correct, I’m not as young as I used to be. I can still have plenty of time to spend with them…just in smaller doses.”

     “Papa, I know this is all true, and instead of receiving it as something natural and good for me, I am taking it as a punishment or something like that. Help me to see it from Your perspective.”

     As I sat there in prayer, I began to see that this is another transition in my life. There have been many before this one: growing up, getting married, raising children, having grandchildren, slowing down.

     I wasn’t being penalized, but I was entering another phase. Taking the crib down was a physical manifestation of the new stage in my life. Hmmm. 

     As I digested this revelation, I felt myself take a big sigh of relief. I began to realize that if I held onto my past, I would not be able to receive this gift that Papa had waiting for me. I needed to trust and let go and begin to be open to what lay ahead. I gave my consent and thanks to God and then went home and told my husband he was right. It was time to take the crib down.

     Making the decision was like taking my finger out of the dyke. Ideas began to flood my mind. With what would I replace the crib? Maybe a low cabinet with storage. I would need to redecorate the wall above it. What would I put there?

     As these thoughts whirled around my mind, I recalled the reason the room was originally set aside: It was supposed to be the place I would write. I had even decorated with that thought in mind. On the wall above the desk, I had hung ceramic hummingbirds, along with the two icons that are on Avia Joy’s blogsite.  With the crib now removed, the office could be used, if I began to write again. 

     Through prayer, I decided to make the crib-less wall, a large collage of pictures or scriptures that represented my journey with God.

     I took my time with my choices. I was certain I had to have a picture of the Wedding Feast of Cana. That had played such a significant role in my marriage, as well as my relationship with Jesus and Mary. I found one that was just perfect and had it matted and framed. 

     My thoughts turned to the picture of Our Lady with the Child Jesus that had been above the crib all those years. It was such a beautiful picture of the Madonna and sleeping Child, with hues of pink. It now made me think about the healing incident I experienced when I got the image of Mary and baby Jesus coming to my hospital room when I was a baby. Yes, that would be part of the group. 

     I knew I needed something to represent my relationship with Papa. That was difficult to find and took me some time. I looked and looked but was failing in my quest. I knew I’d know it when I saw it but was striking out on every front. 

     After much searching, an idea came to mind: what about the picture of you when you were 3 years old and have the words, “This is my beloved Daughter, with Whom I am well pleased,” written on it? Wow! I knew this was it! These were the words Papa had spoken to my heart while I was on retreat. This was perfect! It would be a reminder to me when I doubted how much He loves and cherishes me. With the help from a friend, the picture with words were printed. It was positively beautiful!

     While on the same retreat, a scripture kept repeating itself: “I have heard your prayers and seen your tears; I will heal you.” 2 Kings 20-5. This had to be part of it, as well. 

    This was not difficult to find. Apparently, it’s a popular verse that many Christian artist have beautifully written it, with a simple decoration to accompany the scripture. I purchased it and had it framed. Wonderful!

     I was still in need of something a bit larger at this point to finish the wall. 

     I prayed and pondered what was still missing. God had given me the name of Joy one time in prayer after a long difficult cross had been lifted. To my surprise, my Baptismal name was a derivative of joy. Joy needed to be there somehow. I would look. 

     In my search, I came across an art canvas which had a big, beautiful sunflower. A large hummingbird was sucking the nectar from the flower. Underneath the picture was the scripture: “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” Nehemiah 8:10 

     That was it! My wall was now complete.

     I was very excited about decorating my office. I had purchased a cabinet which was beautiful, fit perfectly, and had storage to boot! All of my art was ready to hang and express in pictures my spiritual journey.

     It looked so beautiful! It brought tears of joy to my face and a smile as well. 

     I was not writing at the time, and although I’d go into the room now and again, I wondered why Papa had me transform this room to “my” room.

     During this past Christmas season, when I was isolating with Covid, I spent a lot of time sitting in it. It was so soothing to my spirit and made me feel good just being there. 

     I then began to wonder if just maybe I’d be writing again some time. After all, Sarah’s friends, as well as my own had been praying that I could discern if that is what God wanted me to do or not. 

     All praise and glory to God, with all of the prayers, as well as the help of a friend, it became clear to me that it was indeed, part of His plan. 

     Since that time, I have thoroughly enjoyed using this beautiful space…the one I was reluctant to transform into something new.

     It still brings a smile to my face when I look around and am reminded in picture, of God’s goodness in my life. 

     I could not receive what Papa had for me until I was willing to let go and trust. 

     I invite you to do the same.

     “For I know the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for your woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope.”                             Jeremiah 29: 11