His Gaze of Mercy

     While I don’t really experience a lot of physical suffering, I was being plagued by interior suffering, and I was not faring well! Interiorly, I felt as if I were experiencing labor and could not handle it. I wanted to scream! I wanted to shout! I wanted to give birth without all the pain that goes along with it. I tried to unite my suffering with Jesus,’ but that did not seem to make a difference. I was struggling within myself between what I felt like doing or saying, compared with how I knew I should act. The duplicity in my heart made me feel like a hypocrite. I knew I was in need of supernatural help, so off I went to Confession.


     I love that Sacrament so!

     When I bring the darkness of my heart to the light of God’s grace, I am often able to see more clearly. Confessing all the struggles within my heart was both freeing and insightful. God helped me to see that the interior suffering I was experiencing was not having the effect He had intended. Instead of it allowing me to see my weakness, imperfections and great need of His mercy, I had become more self centered and self focused. I was in pain! Why was God allowing not only the pain to continue, but all the addition annoyances of life!

     I told Father that the pain made me think about when I was in labor with my children. In order to endure the labor without medication, I needed to have a focus. Without a focal point, I could not overcome the pain. The focal point could not be myself and my pain, but needed to be something outside myself. That was my present problem. I was too self focused; therefore, I could not bear the pain. I knew that there was a lesson for me to learn and I begged for God’s grace to see it.

     Through the graces of Confession, God revealed parts of my heart that I’d rather not see. He allowed me to see all the ways I am still so far from Him, especially in not loving others unconditionally, as He loves me. He helped me to see my judgmental ways, my prejudices, and my wickedness. He helped me to see just how very much I am in need of His grace, help and mercy. God allowed me to see that interior suffering is a gift that should help me grow closer to Him and not a punishment. It is an invitation from Jesus to a more intimate relationship with Him – to drink from His cup.

     For my penance, Father told me to look up the words, bray and mercy and to think and meditate on both. The word bray means to utter the loud, harsh cry of a donkey. It also means to crush and pound to a fine consistency, as in a mortar.

     After some reflection, I could see I had been crying loudly for help, seemingly under never-ending pain and confusion. I felt totally lost in unknown and unwanted territory. I felt like I was being crushed and pounded into a fine consistency. God was trying to use my pain to grind out all the ways that are still far from Him. At the same time, God wanted me to see how I am when I turn inward and take my focus from Him. God was allowing me to see myself, as I truly am, flawed and in need of a Savior. He wanted to strengthen the virtue of humility within my soul.

     When I looked up mercy, surprising one of the responses was a blog entitled, “Dealing with Gnats,” published in Avia Joy, June 24, 2015. Its focus was on the Sacrament of Reconciliation, and what a gift it is to help us to deal with all the gnats in our lives. I smiled as I read it and was amazed that God could use my own words to teach me a lesson that was obviously, still a struggle.

     Another response to my search on mercy was Pope Francis’ Papal Bull, The Face of Mercy. In it he states: We need constantly to contemplate the mystery of mercy. It is a wellspring of joy, serenity, and peace. Our salvation depends on it. Mercy: the word reveals the very mystery of the Most Holy Trinity. Mercy: the ultimate and supreme act by which God comes to meet us. Mercy: the fundamental law that dwells in the heart of every person who looks sincerely into the eyes of his brothers and sisters on the path of life. Mercy: the bridge that connects God and man, opening our hearts to the hope of being loved forever despite our sinfulness.

     As I meditated on Pope Francis’ words, I could see how much I needed to embrace the mercy of God. I need so much to experience this wellspring of God’s joy, serenity and peace. I need to open myself to this supreme act by which God comes to me, so I could in turn, offer mercy to my brothers and sisters as I journey through life. I most especially needed to remember that mercy IS the bridge that connects me to the hope that I am loved by God forever, in spite of my sinfulness. God also loves all of His children and I am called to do the same.

     As we enter into Lent, I invite you to journey with me, into the very heart of God – His mercy.  Choose a focal point to ponder, when times become challenging. It could be your very favorite picture of Christ suffering that can call you to turn toward Him, when you are tempted to turn into yourself. It could be a scripture verse or aspiration, bringing God to the forefront of your heart. Choose your focal point ahead of time. Do not wait till you are in need of it. We are all weak and have to be prepared.

     Remember, Lent is a time of testing. Jesus went into the desert to be tempted by the devil. We are Christ’s disciples, and need to grow in grace and virtue. God allows us to be tested to strengthen our spiritual muscles.

     So when suffering begins, and all the little annoyances of life engage us, look at it as an opportunity grow closer to God. Call out to Him, in all humility, to pour His grace and mercy upon us. We are His weak little children, sorely in need of His gaze of mercy!

     “The Lord heard and had mercy on me; the Lord became my helper” (Ps 30 vs 11).