God's Will: A Treasure Unearthed

      “Writing is a process in which we discover what lives in us. The writing itself reveals to us what is alive in us. The deepest satisfaction of writing is precisely that it opens up new spaces within us of which we were not aware before we started to write. To write is to embark on a journey whose final destination we do not know. Thus, writing requires a real act of trust. We have to say to ourselves: I do not yet know what I carry in my heart, but I trust that it will emerge as I write. Writing is like giving away the few loaves and fishes one has, trusting that they will multiply in the giving. Once we dare to ‘give away’ on paper the few thoughts that come to us, we start discovering how much is hidden underneath these thoughts and gradually come in touch with our own riches.”                                                                                                                                                            Henri Nouwen

    For some time, I have avoided the urge to write. I did not feel as though I’d be “gradually coming in touch with my riches.” 

     It is true that in writing, we do discover what lives in us. There are times when admitting to “that life within,” is not something we want to reveal to ourselves, let alone to others.

     But the call to write and mine the findings became stronger than my reluctance. I had to be true to my calling from God and begin the journey.

     I was once again struggling with my feelings. They were vast, varied and confusing. I didn’t want to deal with them because I didn’t know how to, and I just wanted to hide them – from you!

     If I wrote, I did not feel as though it was a treasure that would be revealed, but something dark, that I’d rather keep hidden. I was tired of revealing all my warts and wrinkles and wanted to share something nice and beautiful! But nice and beautiful were not living inside of me, waiting to be discovered. It was time to be honest and humble, once again, and put on the miner’s cap and explore.

     In all this time of wishing to hide from you, I had been honest with God and myself and had been journaling my feelings. They were changing day to day, and I did not want them to get the best of me. But in spite of keeping on top of them, I judged that some of them were not okay. I did not like the way I felt at times which caused guilt. I worried that I felt entitled, a feeling that I abhorred and did not want to own. I began to feel called to write about this and did not want to share with you because I did not understand myself. How could I write about something I didn’t yet grasp? Why would God be calling me to write when it was downright uncomfortable for me to do so? I didn’t know but had to obey the prompting and discover where it would bring me.

     My relationship with God is most important in my life. I have longed for Union with God for most of my adult life. That translates into wanting to accept, receive and follow God’s will in my life. It means renouncing everything and detaching myself from any inordinate attachments that I hold onto tightly and grasp. I have done that in many areas in my life in degrees: my children and grandchildren, my need to be loved and belong, my identity outside of my being a daughter of the King, my wishes and desires for different things, even spiritual books, prayers and the like. In other words, letting go of wanting my way and my will: when, how and in the way I see fit, along with expectations of how life should proceed. 

     Becoming detached from people and things is very difficult and a very long process. It’s like an onion being peeled, layer by layer. Just when you think you are improving, something sticks its head up to reveal there’s more work to be done. It is slow and tedious and as you improve, the bar is raised, and you can feel like you’re back to square one…but you are not! God is calling you higher. He wants you closer to Him, but it will cost you more!

     I was struggling with the idea of giving up a dream that had already slipped through my hands twice. There was a possibility that it could happen soon, so I went about doing my part to make it a reality. I was praying as well and had other people praying for God’s will to present itself in this situation. Although I believed this desire to be a good one, I did my best to be detached from the outcome. As time went by, it felt as though my dream was slipping out of my hands like sand falling though my fingers. I did what I could to hold onto it, but I was unable. I began to lose hope that it could happen. I felt like the hemorrhaging woman who had spent all she had and came up short. There was nothing more I could do. I realized it was truly time to give it over to God. I told Him if He wanted it to happen, He'd have to make it happen. I was finished trying.

     Although a good part of me was at peace, another part of me was feeling angry, disappointed, and confused. Before I had considered trying to make this dream a reality again, I had to overcome many obstacles. When the obstacles had been resolved, I thought if I did my part, God would do His. It became clear, by the arrival of the conflicting feelings I was experiencing, that I had specific expectations of God. I wanted Him to allow everything to fall into place and it was not; therefore, a battle beginning within.

     The Gospel that had been shouting at me for the past month was the Pearl of Great Price (Mt 13:45-46). “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant searching for fine pearls. When he finds a pearl of great price, he goes and sells all that he has and buys it.”

     God had been nagging me to truly look at this Gospel. This man has been searching for the fine pearls. I too have been searching all of my life for fine pearls; Union with God. This man finally finds it and sells ALL THAT HE HAS to buy it. ALL! Not some. Not part. ALL! 

     The question to me became clear: 

     What if I’m asking you to give up this dream? Are you willing? Do you want Me that much? 

     That question gave me pause. In the heart of my heart, I DO want to want God that much. It IS my desire and hope. But I have not yet come to that point of selflessly selling everything. If I’m very honest, I have to say my actions, although generous at times, do not correlate yet with selling ALL! I am still stuck on my will at times, and although I have improved, I still have a good way to go in selling ALL, to have God as my ALL. But with God’s grace and help, I will not give up! I acquiesced to His will by beginning this dialogue with you and have come to peace within myself. When I began writing, I was in a completely different place but to my delight and surprise, I have unearthed some riches in the writing. 

     In order to be able to do this, sell everything, I must become another Christ. Jesus loved me so very much, that He gave up everything, took on our flesh, lived on this earth, suffered and died and rose from the dead for me…He did it for you as well! WE ARE HIS PEARL OF GREAT PRICE! I’ll say it again; WE ARE HIS PEARL OF GREAT PRICE!!! Each one of us is that precious to our dear sweet Jesus. It’s so difficult to fathom LOVE like that! 

     So, let’s take the challenge of believing and embracing the love that our good God has for us. May we do all we can to give Him our all and not hold anything back. May He truly become for us, our Pearl of Great Price, so we may love Him as He so desires and deserves. There is nothing greater than this!

   “Do you love Me more than these?” John 21:15