A Hellish Storm

      “He got into a boat and His disciples followed Him. Suddenly a violent storm came up on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by waves; but He was asleep.”   Matthew 8:23-24

     Although it had been hot, it was a beautiful day! The sky was a lovely color of blue: much like our Lady’s mantle.

     It was after dinner and my husband, and I began to pray our daily rosary. As we sat on our sectional, looking out at the beautiful evening sky, quite suddenly and unexpectedly, a huge dark black cloud began to appear from the west. It was moving very quickly, and the stunning blue sky was being devoured by the darkness that was overtaking it. The wind began to blow. In no time it became a violent wind, threatening everything that lay in its path. Torrents of rain fell from the heavens. Lightning lit up the darkness while thunder bellowed, making its presence known!

     We continued to pray as we watched the ferocious storm from the comfort of our family room and asked that the angels protect those we love, as well as our property that was being assaulted by this hellish storm.

     The intensity of the tempest lasted about an hour. When it was over, the sky was transformed to a beautiful blue and the sun shone brightly. Except for a few things tossed about and several puddles, it was a lovely evening once again.

     Spiritually, the violence of the storm resonated in my soul. I had been struggling for some time, but initially it was more like a drip of water falling moment after moment on a rock. It didn’t do much damage to begin with, but its consistency and persistence, was beginning to make its mark and take its toll on my spirit. 

     The day of the storm, the large black clouds were filling my soul. I could not find peace. I was restless once more. 

     My self-love was exerting itself, trying its best to get my attention to fulfill what it saw as its needs. Weeks ago, when this unrest began, I was able to say no. As time went on, I was losing my strength and began to try to fill its demands. 

     In my head, I knew that only God could fill me, yet I felt empty and unsatisfied. If God was filling me, it didn’t feel like it. 

     Throughout this time of testing, I kept trying to cling to God: daily Mass and Holy Communion, visits to the Blessed Sacrament, times of quiet and vocal prayer, and ejaculations throughout the day. I tried to write but was not able to do so, so I read spiritual books instead. 

     I was also doing my housework, gardening, keeping in touch with family and friends, having company for dinner and trying my best to ignore what was becoming a suffering.

     When I’m in this “mode” it seems like the multitude of everyday annoyances, which I can usually ignore, become big and bothersome! You know, the old making a mountain out of a molehill. 

     This is never good, because then I begin to think that I have to take things into my own hands. I try to make up for what I believe I’m not receiving or being deprived. Truth be told, no matter what it is I try to do to “fix” the problem, it just doesn’t work. Instead, I’ve wasted time and effort by trying to fill an endless, infinite hole with something finite which never does the job. The storm within was raging!

     I could not stand myself, so I went to the chapel to beg God to help me. I still could not find peace. I then went into church to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I babbled my sins to a priest who did not know me and felt desperate for God’s peace to return to my soul. He gave me my penance and absolution, and although I did not feel any different, I knew God’s grace had been received.

     The next day was pretty much the same. I was still struggling. 

     Near evening, while talking with a friend, I was trying to wrap my head around it all. In our conversation, we realized that the enemy does not want us to grow in our relationship with God and will do what he can to wear us down. He knows all of our weaknesses and does his best to get us to believe that God cannot be trusted. He wants us to think that God will not take care of us and that we have to take care of ourselves. He shouts to us that the Father cannot be trusted; He will fail us; God does not love us!

     This is what the devil did to our first parents: CCC 397- Man, tempted by the devil, let his trust in his Creator die in his heart and, abusing his freedom, disobeyed God’s command. This is what man’s first sin consisted of. All subsequent sin would be disobedience toward God and lack of trust in His goodness. 

      After our conversation, I began to ponder my actions the last number weeks to see if I could pinpoint just when the turmoil began. 

     The first thing I noted was that I did not have the amount of private time that I often have. My husband had not been working as much, and we had a lot more time together than usual. I truly enjoy spending time with him, but spiritually I was not in a good place. On top of that, I had really pushed myself several times to do more than I should have and was exhausted a number of times. I know that I do not “recover” like I used to “back in the day,” and I can see how that would have contributed to my “self-love” poking up its ugly head. There were a few other factors which made me feel as though I needed to be self-sufficient. I was getting weaker by the moment…thus the violent storm. I felt as though all hell was vying for my soul!

     CCC 409: This dramatic situation of “the whole world (which) is in the power of the evil one” makes man’s life a battle: The whole of man’s history has been the story of dour combat with the powers of evil, stretching, so our Lord tells us, from the very dawn of history until the last day. Finding himself in the midst of the battlefield man has to struggle to do what is right, and it is at great cost to himself, and aided by God’s grace, that he succeeds in achieving his own inner integrity.”

     This was not something new to me: I have been caught up in spiritual storms before, robbing me of peace. My friend pointed out that the devil “stirs the pot,” and now that I am writing again, he stops me in my tracks. I may try to write, but find I am unable. My mind is muddied and confused. Confusion is never from God. The devil is delighted when he keeps me from writing. After all, I’m writing about God…his fiercest enemy! She later sent me a quote from Loreno Scupoli to confirm her thoughts: “The devil does his upmost to banish peace from one’s heart, because he knows that God abides in peace, and it is in peace that He accomplishes great things.”

     Now please don’t think I’m saying that God is accomplishing great things through Avia Joy, because I truly do not know just how it is impacting people. I do receive feedback every now and then telling me how a particular blogpost truly helped someone, but that does not happen very often. 

     What I know is that I am doing what I can to cooperate with God to write when He inspires me to do so, and what He inspires me to write. He is in charge of anointing the words and getting it to whomever He wants to read it. 

     I am both humbled and honored to be His little instrument. 

     Clinging to the truth that we can trust God is essential, if we are to remain in His peace. Only then will we be able to accomplish His great work...becoming holy.

     In the meantime, we must remember that we are at war. The stakes are high. The enemy is waiting to catch us up, but God has already won the battle! Our place is to hold fast, cling to Him and believe that we will never be overcome. Even when to our eye things don't seem ideal, God IS orchestrating all, along with the grace to overcome ourselves, or to endure. Our good God WILL provide and can be trusted. We can take Him at His word. We have to realize that our timing and His are often different. He may appear to be sleeping, but we are NOT alone.

     “We hold this treasure in earthly vessels, that the surpassing power may be of God and not from us. We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body. For we who live are constantly being given up to death for the sake of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh." 2 Corinthians 4:7-11.

     God has restored my peace and for that I am grateful. I must be aware in the future, that when the persistent little drip of water begins again, not to allow my self-love to take charge. I must pray that God will put self-love to death, so I may truly allow the life of Christ to reign in me. 

     “They came and woke Him saying, ‘Lord, save us! We are perishing!’ He said to them, ‘Why are you terrified, O you of little faith?’ Then He got up, rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was great calm.”                                                                                                                             Matthew 8: 25-26

     All praise and glory to God!