The Agony of Defiance!

     Lent could not come fast enough for me this year! Life was not as I liked, therefore, an inner restlessness and lack of peace once again, invaded my being. Due to this restlessness, an inordinate attachment, with which I have struggled, on and off again for years, was rearing its ugly head and becoming my unwelcomed guest.

     I had the misguided idea, that with the arrival of Ash Wednesday, I would miraculously be able to overcome myself and “just say no!” I truly believed that Lent would be the vehicle God would use to help me regain my self-control.

     Boy was I wrong!


     Sure, I did okay the first number of days. But, as time went on, my negative feelings of not having life unfold as I liked, grew.  Along with that, it became clear that I did not have the power to change things.

     Like Jacob, I began to wrestle with God, but was not ready to ask for His blessing. I just wanted the One who could change things to do so… and He wasn’t! So, like a little kid having a hissy fit, I decided to take care of myself, since I judged God wasn’t, and give in to my attachment. You know, pamper myself a little… cause if I don’t, nobody else is going to do so!

     My defiant reaction, to this situation, did not give me peace. Each time I fell, even in the very act, I knew I was hurting myself, along with my relationship with God. I knew I was not doing what I truly was called to do, but was giving in to my strong and stubborn will. I was acting childish, not childlike, by holding my breath till I got my way.

     Truth be told, God was allowing me to see myself, warts and all. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but felt stuck and couldn’t make myself act differently.

     As frustrated as I felt, I never stopped trying. In my heart of hearts, I did want to change. I recognized my weakness and inability and begged God to intervene.

     Thanks be to God, for the wisdom of the good holy men and women who have gone before us in our Catholic faith! Our Church is a like a huge treasure chest, of which we have the great privilege to indulge. And even in my rebellion, I was wise enough to indulge myself in Her riches.

     While reading “Divine Intimacy,” by Fr. Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalen, I was struck by his reflection on imperfections. Unfortunately, I was distracted at the time, and could not give it my full attention.

     It was not until the following day, while talking with my sister Rachael, that she asked if I had read Father’s reflection the previous day. I told her that I had, but needed to visit it again, and truly focus on the message. She encouraged me to do so, because it had a very strong impact on her actions.

     As I re-read the reflection, it penetrated deep within my heart and mind. “This is just what I needed to hear,” I thought.

    “While venial sin always consists in a more or less slight transgression of one of God’s laws, imperfection is the omission of some good act to which we are not obliged by any law, but one which charity invites us to do. To illustrate: when I am aware of the possibility of performing a better act suited to my state, in accord with my actual capabilities, in harmony with my duties, and for the accomplishment of which I may reasonably believe that I am inspired by the Holy Spirit, I cannot deliberately refuse to do it without real actual imperfection. In this case, my refusal to perform a better act cannot be judged to be good, nor can it be justified by the thought that I am free to omit this better action since no law or commandment obliges me. This would be an abuse of that liberty which was given me by God for the sole purpose of making me capable of adhering to the good, uninfluenced by my passions. In fact, the last analysis, my refusal to perform the better act always implies a lack of generosity, motivated by a little selfishness, laziness, meanness, or fondness for my own comfort, all of which are evidently contrary to perfection.

    “Viewed from this angle, it is clear that voluntary imperfection can never be conformable to the will of God, and that consequently, like sin, it is contrary to charity which tends to full conformity with the divine will. Hence, it is important for a soul striving for union with God to eliminate from its conduct every voluntary imperfection. In this sense, St. John of the Cross admonishes us: ‘For the soul to come to unite itself perfectly with God through love and will…it must not intentionally and knowingly consent with the will to imperfections.’ Furthermore, he teaches that attachment to even one habitual voluntary imperfection suffices to impede the soul ‘not only from divine union, but also from progress in perfection.’”

     My aim in life was striving for union with God, yet I was willfully doing something that would compromise it. I could not continue in my self-centered actions. I needed to change my behavior and begged God to help me to see these temptations and beg for His grace to recognize the imperfection, and move in His grace, to overcome this weakness, thereby, overcoming willful defiance.

      Father Gabriel had made it clear to me just what my actions were doing: “Every kind of imperfection in fact always comes from a want of effort, energy, and fervor in the spiritual life. It is always selfishness which, in one way or another, takes something away from God to satisfy the ego. We are too calculating, afraid of giving too much, and so selfishness clips our wings and keeps us from reaching full union with God.”

     I did not want to be selfish with God, nor lazy, nor mean, nor lack a generous heart. I did not want to hurt Him anymore—not deliberately anyway. I did not want to clip my wings to keep me from soaring, one day, to God.

     So, I thanked my dear sweet Papa, for showing me the truth. I asked Him to help me overcome myself and run to Him when I am tempted to believe it really doesn’t matter.

     The wrestling match was over for now, so I asked for God’s blessing.

     Who knows, maybe this will be the Lent that God will help me with my self-control!

     Fr. Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalen, pray for us!