The Rock

     “I turned every way, but there was no one to help me, I looked for one to sustain me, but could find no one. But then I remembered the mercies of the Lord, His kindness through ages past; For He saves those who take refuge in Him, and rescues them from every evil. So I raised my voice from the very earth, from the gates of the nether world, my cry, I called out: O Lord, You are my father, You are my champion and my savior; Do not abandon me in time of trouble, in the midst of storms and dangers.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                Sirach 51:7-10

     Life can change so suddenly and quickly! One minute everything is “our particular normal,” and the next moment, we feel like we’ve been rocketed into outer space – into an unfamiliar place with unknown territories that we will be forced to explore!

     Such has been my experience this past week. After receiving an unexpected call from my doctor with unwanted test results, I came face to face with the mortality of life.

     I was surprised at my reaction. I felt overwhelmed by the dread possibilities that could lie before me. My thoughts were heavy and all consuming about my future. I felt afraid to voice my fears to anyone, thinking these words would cement the outcome. I did not expect to feel this way. I thought I should be strong – after all – I am a woman of faith who trusts in God – so why was I so frightened?

     I was embarrassed by my reaction. Intellectually I knew and believed that my life is in God’s hands. He knows when I will die. My lack of trust puzzled me. I did not consider death an enemy. I had repeatedly offered my life to God in exchange for the salvation of loved ones who are away from the Church. I was sincere in my offering to Him, but now that it was possible that He might be going to “cash in” on my offer, I felt afraid.

     After learning of my news and trying to digest what little I knew, I went over to the chapel. As I sat before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, I voiced to Him all of my worries and concerns. I asked Him for the grace to trust and abandon myself completely to whatever outcome this may have. I once again offered my life to Him as a sacrifice for those whom I love who are away from Him. I told Jesus I’d accept whatever happened, but would need His help to be able to do this.

     I’d like to say that I was at peace when I left the chapel, but I was not. I was struggling so with my lack of peace. I thought it reflected my lack of trust in God. Trust is an area with which I struggle. A confessor once told me that my lack of trust in God is what causes Him the most pain. I didn’t want to hurt Papa with my lack of trust, but I could not force myself to be peaceful.

     I talked to family and friends, and they did their best to listen to me, support me in my fears, and encourage me. All prayed for me. Some prayed with me. It helped, but the fear was there like a cloud that enveloped my being.

     A Mass was offered for my intention, and then I went to confession. I confessed my sins, and my lack of faith and trust in God. Father explained to me that it didn’t so much reflect my lack of trust in God, as it did reflect my inability to accept my humanity with all its limitations.

     He told me that even Jesus – the God Man – struggled with the thoughts of His upcoming suffering and death. Why should I expect more from myself?

     Father’s words made my feelings of guilt lessen. I did not yet have peace, but I wasn’t beating myself up so much. I realized that I was putting too much pressure on myself to be strong and accept my situation. I was denying and not willing to accept my weakness, fears and frailties. I had to embrace my humanity, and allow God and other to carry me, if need be.

    Sometime later, peace arrived! There was really nothing I did on my own to bring it about. It was a grace. Just as fear had enveloped me before, it was now peace that permeated my being. I could breathe again! I felt free to accept whatever lay in store for me. I knew now in my heart, that I was not alone. I knew it before intellectually, but now I felt it deep within my mind, heart and soul.

     I began to be able to see all the help and signs that God was sending my way. Scripture verses were coming alive! Help and prayers from family and friends were received with gratitude. Hope was present. I was to live my life fully, no matter how much time I had and not waste a precious moment worrying and being “stuck” in the midst of storms and dangers.

     Thanks be to God, things are looking up! My situation seems encouraging. I have one more test before I know for certain – but it looks good! I am at peace. I will deal with whatever it is, realizing that my God and all my family and friends will be there for any needs I may have.

     I have learned that I am not a rock, but I know The Rock. He is always with me to accompany me, even when I am at my weakest. “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness” (2 Cor 12:9).

     “O my God, You and You alone are all wise and all knowing! You know, You have determined everything that will happen to us from first to last. You have ordered things in the wisest way, and You know what will be my lot year by year until I die. You know how long I have to live. You know how I shall die. You have precisely ordained everything, sin excepted. Every event of my life is the best for me that it could be, for it comes from You. You bring me on year, by year, by Your wonderful Providence, from youth to age, with the most perfect wisdom and with the most perfect love.” Bl. John Henry Cardinal Newman
   
     FIAT!