Yielding to Freedom

      “Which of you constructing a tower does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if there is enough for its completion? Otherwise, after laying the foundation and finding himself unable to finish the work the onlookers should laugh at him and say, ‘This one began to build but did not have the resources to finish.’ Or what king marching into battle would not first sit down and decide whether with ten thousand troops he can successfully oppose another king advancing upon him with twenty thousand troops? But if not, while he is still far away, he will send a delegation to ask for peace terms. In the same way, everyone of you who does not renounce all his possessions cannot be my disciple” ( Lk 14 vs 28-33).

    For a number of weeks, I found myself, once again, wrestling with God. I was tired of being the one called to change; tired of looking at my attitudes and actions. I wanted God to focus on someone other than me. This time I would not cry “uncle.” I just wanted to end this wrestling match, walk out of the ring, and call it quits! I was weary, tired and emotionally spent. Taking your relationship with God seriously, costs dearly and frankly, I felt bankrupt. 

     We all have times in our lives when we struggle with relationships that are vital to our lives -- relationships with which we don’t have the “luxury” to just stop trying. Situations that call us to STRETCH past our feelings and do what God is calling us to do – die to ourselves and love anyway!

     Being a disciple of Christ is just plain difficult and it will cost us everything! We must renounce what we try to hold onto the most -- our wills. It is what Jesus did when He walked this earth and one of the greatest lessons that He came to teach to us. “My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me” (Jn 4 vs 34).

 

     In my struggle, I was well aware of all of this. I knew exactly what God was calling me to do, but was resisting. I was not open to God’s grace thus hindering change by holding onto my stubborn will. I was not open to the Holy Spirit’s desire to transform me into another Christ. I was stuck!

     Although I was far from surrendering to God, I continued attending daily Mass and remained faithful to prayer time, morning and evening. I kept dialoguing with God, telling Him just what He should do to resolve this particular situation. I did want it my way, but had not closed the door to hearing His voice.

     Praise be to God, in the midst of my struggle, our parish was having a special night of prayer and devotion. I decided to attend. I don’t remember the theme or focus, but as our pastor read the following prayer and asked us to join him, all of my defenses to God fell away:

“Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty,

          my memory, my understanding,

          and my entire will,              

          all I have and call my own.  

  You have given all to me.

          To You, Lord, I return it.

          Everything is Yours; do with it what You will.

          Give me only Your love and Your grace,

          that is enough for me.”

     As I prayed the words to St. Ignatius’ prayer entitled “Suscipe,” tears began to flow from my eyes. It became clear to me that I had been resisting the will of God in my life. I was counting the cost of what it meant to be a disciple and had decided just how much I was willing to give. 

     In that grace filled moment, God helped me to see my sinfulness and repent. This allowed me to be open to the graces to walk in His will. In my act of surrender to God, I felt free! 

     Even with all its demands, being a disciple now seemed worth every effort I would be called to make. God had not deceived me in the past. He had been clear in His Holy Word -- discipleship would cost me everything! I knew that fact when I gave my life to God many years before, but lately had grown weary. That evening in Church, I discovered I was depending too much on my own strength and not on God’s grace. Realizing my deficiencies, I no longer believed I had the “resources to finish.” My need for total dependency upon God, His grace and mercy became evident. Finally, coming to peace with God’s terms, I was willing to do whatever He asked. My need to belong totally to God was stronger than my stubbornness. Once again, I wanted to give Him everything and be filled with His everlasting love and peace.

     As I left the Church that evening, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I had been carrying around a burden I had placed upon myself; one that God had been trying to remove. I had been blind and did not see until God’s grace penetrated my unyielding will. In an instant, I discovered the treasure in the field, or the pearl of great price. With great joy I was again willing to sell all that I had to purchase it realizing that God’s will is always for my good.

     Lifting my voice to God I prayed: “Everything is Yours; do with it what You will. Give me only Your love and Your grace, that is enough for me!”