Silence, Please!!!

     “It is so hard to be silent, silent with my mouth, but even with my heart. There is so much talking going on within me. It seems that I am always involved with inner debates with myself, my friends, my supporters, my opponents, my colleagues, and my rivals. But this inner debate reveals how far my heart is from You. If I were to simply rest at Your feet and realize that I belong to You and to You alone, I would stop arguing with all the real and imagined people around me. These arguments show my insecurity, my fear, my apprehensions. You, O Lord, will give me all the attention I need if I would simply stop talking and start listening to You. I know that in the silence of my heat You will speak to me and show me Your love. Give me, O Lord, that silence. Let me be patient and grow slowly into this silence in which I can be with You. Amen. Henri Nouwen

     As I read Henri Nowen’s words, I felt stunned! Stunned like finding a hidden chest, filled with pertinent, life-changing information: about myself, about what I was doing, about how I was robbing my soul of God’s peace and presence. Until those words penetrated my mind and heart, I was totally unaware of the damage I was inflicting upon myself and my relationship with God. But once I knew -- I could not know. From the depths of my heart and soul, I knew instinctively, that I needed desperately to change my behavior…. A practice I had engaged in, probably, for most of my life. Although this would be difficult, I saw it as a graced moment from God, sent to me by a dear Friend, via email.

     Overnight, I became aware of all the numerous times, I would begin to have a conversation in my mind. The magnitude of the occurrences was overwhelming. I truly was amazed at the number of times I had to disengage in the mental verbiage! 

     I want to make it clear! I am not talking about thoughts or inspirations that come into our minds. They are quite normal and how we are wired to think. No, it’s when a thought pops into our minds and we then actively engage in a conversation within ourselves.

     Sometimes the conversations are innocent, while others are not. Regardless of the content, they were taking up space in my mind, as well as time waisted, running away from reality, where God and His grace reside.

     Several months, prior to receiving the blessed email, I was struggling with a relationship. During those months, the conversations, in my mind, were almost constant. They would begin as I woke up in the morning and continue throughout the day. They would be on my mind at bedtime and if I happened to wake up, the conversations would continue. They were an endless cycle of stress, worry, concern and depletion of self. At times, I felt at odds with normal things happening around me and was very distracted. Aware of its effect on me, I even confessed it hoping to receive the grace to overcome myself. I felt helpless and unable to let it go.

     My confessor told me that I was giving this person permission to live rent free in my mind and I needed to evict them. I knew his words to be truth and did my best to do that, but just when I tried my hardest, the situation would get worse and the conversations would begin all over again with a stronger intensity. I felt overwhelmed and tormented!!!

     I knew I needed help to be free from this negative spirit that was robbing me of my peace! I made an appointment for a prayer session with Heart of the Father ministry members, who walk you through your situation and help you to recognize the lies from the enemy, along with the truth from God. 

The day had arrived and I was hoping to be set free! All praise and glory to God, it was a very powerful prayer time which ended with a special blessing from God the Father, or Papa, as I call Him.

     The lies were exposed and the truth was now clear. In my obsession with the hurts, fears and worries I had been carrying, I had forgotten to whom I belong. I was so wrapped up in trying to belong to someone who had rejected me that I had allowed that to override that truth: I was a Daughter of the King and a Bride of Christ and they loved everything about me. I did not have to try so hard anymore. God’s love is enough! 

     As I walked out, holding onto the Father’s blessing, I knew that the evil one would not give up too easily and realized I’d have to fight to keep the peace I was now experiencing. I prepared myself with scriptures, wisdom from the saints and prayer. 

     In God’s wisdom and goodness, He inspired my friend to send me the words from Fr. Nouwen, which opened my eyes to yet another weapon to add to my arsenal. These aids from God, along with the sacraments, have enabled me to tune in to what is happening within me. I have spent way too much time on needless situations and conversations that have robbed me of my identity. When a conversation begins, I reply that I will not engage in this conversation, and sometimes even give the situation over to God and turn it into a prayer. Afterall, He is God and I am not. The other thing I imagine is the image of Gandolf, from Lord of the Rings, who declares in a booming voice to the enemy, as he bangs his magic stick, “You shall not pass!”, as the demon is sent back to the abyss. I will not allow myself to engage in these conversations any longer, and now, stop them in their tracks.

     When I talked to my spiritual director this month and told him about this behavior and now my awareness, he told me that I must treat it as a temptation. These conversations dissipate the soul, robbing me of my peace and weakening my relationship with God. With that in mind, it has given me the additional strength to see it as sin, if I do succumb and entertain and engage in the activity. 

     I am so very grateful, from the bottom of my heart, to be loved and cared for so much by my Papa. He has gone to great lengths to have me realize just how much He wants my undivided attention. I want to make Him the King of my heart, and not allow anyone or anything to take up residence there. I will sit at His feet, in the silence of my heart and allow Him to speak to me as He heals me of all my fears, insecurities and apprehensions. 

     “Don’t be afraid. I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called you by name. You are mine” Is 43:2

     “Let me be patient and grow slowly into this silence in which I can be with You. Amen.”