Clearing A Path

      “When the devil looks at a man who sincerely desires not to sin, he is not so unintelligent to suggest to him (as he would to a hardened sinner) that he go and commit fornication or go and steal. He knows we do not want that and he does not set out to tell us something we do not want to hear; but he finds out that little bit of self-will and self-righteousness and through that, with the appearance of well doing, he will do us harm.” St. Dorotheus of Gaza

     If asked to describe myself, the words that come to mind would be kind and thoughtful, strong but yielding, steady and dependable, but the word rebellious would never enter my mind. But quite unexpectedly and suddenly, a storm of rebellion has moved in!

     I felt like I was transported from residency in my peaceful home state, to the horrid state of confusion!

     Feelings of uncertainty, confusion, impatience, rebellion, and unrest were my companions. Because of these strong feelings, an interior battle or wrestling match was happening; while outwardly donning a smile, pretending that everything was good! The inner struggle was obvious to me but the reason for it was hidden from my vision. 

     It began, quite innocently, about six weeks ago. I believed I was awakened to what I thought to be a “call from God” to do something. Little by little it made itself “seen” and I acted upon what I thought I had been asked to do.

     I had felt very excited about this “new purpose” but as time passed, with my efforts not going anywhere, my emotions took a nosedive, and I felt confused and deflated. 

     But in the midst of my “new call,” I was asked to consider doing something else…a new position within my Carmelite community. This did not “feel” exciting like the other one had. It would be a lot of work, and I was really struggling to come to a decision. But truth be told, work does not intimidate me. I am always willing to do what God is asking me to do. I had been ready to spend whatever time necessary for the other “call.” Why was I resisting the Carmelite call?

     At the same time, I was asked to change my devotional name as a Secular Carmelite because it did not fit the formula. This bit of news sent me into a tailspin! I had prayed and pondered and wrestled with choosing my devotional name in the first place. Why was it accepted then and not now? 

     I was experiencing a full-blown identity and vocation crisis!

     Maybe I really didn’t have a Carmelite vocation. Maybe I was mistaken. Maybe I’m really being called to this other apostolate. Could I have been mistaken all these years?

     I brought all of this to prayer. I talked to good spiritual friends. I prayed. I begged. I pleaded to God to help me discern what He was calling me to do. I didn’t want to be living in this state of confusion any longer!

     A plan was needed! I would first discern if it was God Himself who wanted me to change my devotional name. I began to focus on that. 

     The name was to have my Baptismal name, along with a favorite devotion.

     The first new name I decided upon was still too complicated; my frustration increased! It was then that a question was posed to me: “In what way do you feel most strongly that God wants to reveal Himself to you? Following that one way will probably encompass others that you are hesitant to “give up.”

     That question made so much sense to me. It helped me to cut away all the other names or devotions that I was trying so hard to “fit in.” I didn’t want to disappoint or leave out any of my favorite saints or devotions. By trying to have it all, I was not focused on God’s will but mine. 

     “Who am I to You, Papa? How do You most strongly reveal Yourself to me?”

     Almost immediately, the name was placed on my heart: Denise Marie of the Father’s Heart. 

     I loved it! It made my heart smile. It was who I was, or Whose I was! I realized that many others have taken the name of Jesus, Mary, St. Teresa, St. John and St. Therese, along with many others far too vast to mention. Papa was often forgotten or got a bad rap as the “mean God of the Old Testament! Many do not know Him as I do…their loving Papa. And the Father is Who Jesus came to reveal to us in the first place. 

     Oh, my loving, caring Papa, I choose You!

     At that very moment, I knew that I was not mistaken. I do have a Carmelite vocation! I was to say “yes” to this new position in Carmel and give it my all! This WAS what God was calling me to do. The other “call” was a distraction. The evil one did not want me to fulfill my Carmelite vocation but be diverted and de-railed.

     I was suddenly back to my peaceful home state and relieved to be no longer living in the state of confusion. Everything was clear and transparent. It was no longer muddied. 

     I took a deep breath! Thanked my Papa for His faithfulness and love for me and embraced this new beginning!

     As time passed, several things became apparent to me: by taking “the Father’s Heart,” I really wasn’t eliminating anyone. Papa holds each and every one of us in His Heart…all the angels and saints, along with all of my loved ones and all of His children who reside there! Secondly, I was finally able to claim and live fully my call to Carmel. And thirdly, I had written little sacrament stories a good number of years ago and it wasn’t until that “other” call, that the nudge came from God to get them out. It is now “their time”. So, although I was mistaken about the “what” initially, God made it clear and I’m in the midst of editing them to have them published, God willing.

     The devil did his best to tempt me with something very good to offer to God. He made it look exciting and a wonderful way to use my gifts and give glory to Him. I did not see that for quite some time and fell hard to devil’s tactics. I should have realized that when confusion reigns, it is not God but His adversary. I will pray to be more prudent and aware the next time. But for now, I am filled with gratitude to God and for His precious gift of peace!

     “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. God is faithful: He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10: 13

“Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear a path."