An Unquenchable Thirst

     “We shall be haunted by a nostalgia for divine things, by a homesickness for God which is not eased in this world even by the presence of God."  Caryll Houselander

     This very feeling or “homesickness for God,” is something that we all experience…religious or not and fail to recognize it as such.

     We mistake its source and find ourselves trying to “fill up” or take away the feeling with endless activity, food, drink, tv, social media, family, friends and whatever. The truth of the matter is the more we try, the more frustrated and unsatisfied we become…

     It is not something that will go away in this life because we were made for another place all together. We are created for eternity and finite things will never suffice.

     These feelings had been accentuated in me recently, by the death of my friend. 

     The nostalgia for God was palpable and could not be satisfied. 

     It reveals itself to me as an unrest, a longing, a yearning, an emptiness that seems vast and endless. I am unable to fill it, not matter how I try. I was trying to “make friends” with it, but could not.

     “Like the deer that yearns for running streams, so my soul is yearning for You, my God. My soul is thirsting for God, the God of my life; when can I enter and see the face of God?” Psalm 42:2-3

     I felt as though I was going through all the motions of life, in automatic pilot, trying my best to do it all for the glory of God, but was unsure if He was aware of me at all.

     This feeling was not new to me. But what made it more difficult was the grief I was experiencing along with it. 

     Thanks be to God, I have learned in these times of desolation, to keep doing the spiritual practices that are part of my life: daily Mass and Holy Communion, frequent confession, visits to the Blessed Sacrament, and staying close to spiritual friends for assistance and asking for prayers.

     Being involved in planning Miriam’s funeral Mass was a good thing for me. It was important that I try to “capture” her in the scripture as well as the in music. I wanted this to be a tribute to her life and her walk with God…and I believe my goal was met.

     Greeting her friends whose lives she touched, hearing the stories and sharing my own, made me look at my own life’s journey. I found myself thanking God for the fact that my Catholic faith had always played a part in my life; in my decisions and the way I lived.

     Miriam entered the Catholic Church seven years ago. A regret that she mentioned often. She wondered why it had taken her so long.

     Yet that yearning, that restlessness that I’m speaking about, is something she too spoke of often. When experienced before her conversion, she couldn’t understand its’ meaning. 

     Even after her conversion and immersion in the Church and her continued thirst to find out all she could about this God, who had relentlessly pursued her, she still struggled…as we all do. Her thirst, like all of ours, went unsatisfied and her questions unanswered…the restlessness had not abated.

     But she was faithful to God and continued to pursue Him, believing even when it was difficult. God was now her life and she had finally found a home, with Him and His Church, the Body of Christ.  

     I prayed that she was now at peace and all her questions answered. I also asked that she intercede for me, to help me be at peace with this feeling of unrest. This feeling that we all wrestle with from time to time.

     The feeling of unrest was still present, as I drove to the chapel the day following the funeral, to visit my dear sweet Jesus, truly present in the Blessed Sacrament. I prayed as I drove and continued to question Him about my unrest. The thought came into my mind: “You do realize, don’t you, what you are experiencing? It is your longing for Me that will never be filled in this life. But you look at it as a burden. That is not how I want you to see it. It is My gift to you. You know Me and love Me. You know your home is not here. You will never be completely satisfied here on earth. That is okay. It’s how it should be. Be at peace! Accept this as a gift. I am asking you to unite your suffering with Mine. I want you to do this for all those who have this feeling and do not recognize what it truly is. Do it for those who know and love me…but most especially for those who do not. They live life as though I do not exit and try to fill this feeling with people and things of this world. Receive this gift as something precious from Me. Doing this will not make the feeling go away, but it will give you another way to love Me.”

     I arrived at the chapel still experiencing my longing, but now everything had changed. I felt known, loved and validated. God did see me and recognized my struggle. My faith and love for Him had guided me to see and understand His ways and the beautiful invitation He was bestowing upon me. 

     As I sat with Jesus in the chapel, I praised and thanked Him for this understanding. I thanked Him for this new way to love Him. I thanked Him for my relationship with the Blessed Three, Our Lady and all the saints and angels in heaven. I was grateful for my long journey with Them and the feeling of being very blessed and cherished. Being chosen is humbling. 

     Several passages from the Gospel came to mind: “At that time, Jesus exclaimed: ‘I give praise to You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for although You have hidden these things from the wise and the learned You have revealed them to the little ones” Matthew 11:25. 

     I was one of His “little ones.” In His great love for me, God blessed me with many secrets of the kingdom. I smiled.

     The last paragraph of the Gospel was an invitation I could not refuse and one for which I am eternally grateful: “Come to Me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light” Matthew 11: 28-30.

     As I sat there soaking in the love and grace of God, I asked for the grace to always remember with whom I am yoked…even when He feels so very far away in heaven.

     “Father in heaven, when Your strength takes possession of us, we no longer say: Why are you cast down, my soul? So now that the surging waves of your indignation have passed over us, let us feel the healing calm of Your forgiveness. Inspire us to yearn for You always, like the deer for running streams, until You satisfy every longing in heaven.”                 Psalm prayer Monday morning week II