Who, Lord, Do You Say That I Am? -- Part 2 of 3

     When God poses a question to me, He knows I will not rest until I get an answer. The question that God had placed on my heart was, “Who are you?” I really wasn't sure. What had been such a rock solid identity was suddenly shaky and uncertain. I in turn had to turn to God and ask Him, “Who, Lord, do You say that I am?”  It took some time, but the answer did come, little by little. I knew in the depths of my heart that what I was experiencing was both a natural and supernatural evolution to a better me. I knew that I had to trust that God was involved with every aspect of this change, but that I had to be patient and surrender to His molding and shaping….no matter how painful it seemed at times.

     God had me look at the different identities I played in my life. In my early years, I was daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin and friend. Later on, girlfriend, wife, daughter, sister-in-law, mother, mother-in-law and now grandmother. I had adjusted well to each identity. I had handled our daughter’s marriage quite well and becoming a grandmother was wonderful! Why was I struggling so? What was so different now? This was a wonderful time in our lives, so why did I feel so displaced?        
  
     As I looked at my role as a mother, although I felt confident in most areas, there were some areas that began to frighten me. As my children grew into adulthood, I was becoming uncertain of my boundaries as a parent. Where did my responsibility for their souls end? How much could I control? Did I ever have the power to control the happenings of their lives? Why, I asked myself, did I think that I ever had? I had never had these questions and uncertainties as a mother before. I didn't know quite how to be.

  As a mother, my self worth was eroding. I had put all of my time and energy into this identity of motherhood and I was full of fear that I may not achieve the results that I had expected…even though I believe I had done my best. I had also given my time, love and energy to my children and as they were growing older, they became less and less emotionally dependent upon me, just as it should be. I didn't quite know how to accept this. It felt more like rejection to me than “a normal evolution of life.”  There was something else God began to reveal to me. I was much too attached to this particular identity. What if, by some tragic event, all of my children were killed in an accident?  If a mother is all of who I am… and I am now past the childbearing age… who, I asked myself, would I be?

  The question kept plaguing me and our God continued to guide me ever so gently in my search. In my head, I knew that I was not seeing the whole picture….or the lens of my camera was out of focus. I knew I was missing something and I continued to bug God and talk to my husband in my questioning…. “Who, Dear God, do You say that I am???”

  One night when I was reading Holy Scripture, the answer started to unfold… I am God’s useless servant. Now I don’t mean that I am useless to God. I know how very precious I am to Him and how much I am loved. A useless servant was a title given by Christ in one of the Gospels when one does what he is called to do. He showed me that my identity as a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, and grandmother could change from moment to moment. The only thing that stays constant is my being His servant….who gets to do whatever or serve whomever. God decides that for me.

At first, my identity as God‘s servant took away my feelings of displacement and searching. They were replaced with a feeling of freedom to give fully of myself, whether I felt appreciated or not, to whomever God chooses. He had invited me to work in His Kingdom by loving those and serving those He put into my life.

      Being His servant and knowing that is who I am was initially enough, but as I continued to serve God, the thought occurred to me that being a servant is just a job…one  in which my efforts and their results could affect my position. A servant’s job is not the least bit secure. He has to be always on guard that things turn out favorably to his Master’s expectations. Being God’s servant now filled my heart with fear! What if my children don’t do all that I judge God is calling them to do? What if they don’t all keep their Catholic faith? What if? What if? Being His servant was now a scary thought if my efforts did not bear the fruit that I had desperately tried to cultivate.