Thursday, March 18, 2021

Let Me Provide

     For well over a year now, God has been hitting me over the head to accept His will in my life, as it is presented to me and to truly trust Him.

     There are a number of situations, where I struggle to do this. My lack of acceptance becomes clear to me, when I begin to feel a rebellion bubbling deep within. I desperately want to do what I can to change things to my reality. I am filled with a strong restlessness, as my sense of “lack,” rears its ugly head. 

     As Lent approached, I pondered and prayed about what I would do this year to grow in holiness. 

     I came up with a list of things to give up, but as I spoke to others, it became clear that it was “my list” and probably not what God was asking of me.

     I thought and prayed about what God really wanted. I took a deep breath, as things became evident. 

     God wanted my will! He wanted my trust! He wanted my whole heart! Not some of it. Not most of it. No. He wanted me to give Him my heart with no areas barred!

     God wanted full reign of my heart and my will. Papa wanted me to accept His will in my life and receive it graciously, as it comes directly from Him

     He didn’t want me to run to anyone or anything when things didn’t go as I wished. I was to run to God. He will fill me. When I feel “the lack,” I should pour out my heart to Him of all unmet expectations and disappointments, and allow Him soothe and comfort me. God wants me to allow Him to provide everything

     This would mean that I had to stop trying to fix things, or provide for myself. I was free to express my desires to Papa, but I needed to place them on the altar and look to Him to fill them or discard them. God was asking me to trust Him completely and abandon myself, wholly and entirely to Him.

     Putting this into practice was a struggle. As situations presented themselves, there was an extremely strong temptation to try to orchestrate things to my liking. I found it difficult to just let go, so I’d pray like crazy to get passed myself and not interfere. I would then talk to Papa about my struggles and disappointments, as well as my needs and desires, as I saw them.

     I kept hearing, “I want to be your All. Stop running to people and things. Receive what I give you. Let Me provide.”

     Sometimes I responded and overcame myself. Other times, I did not. 

     When I failed, I’d run to Papa and remind Him that I’m just His little girl and He’s going to have to do it for me. Or better yet, I’d tell Him, “Papa, please give me the heart and will of Jesus, Who always followed Your will.”

     My prayer became, “Give me Your eyes, sweet Jesus, to see; Yours ears to hear; Your mouth to speak; Your heart to love; and Your mind and will to do Your Father’s will.” This became my mantra and prayer in times of temptation and moments of weakness. I wanted to be another Christ, so He could move in me and do what I found so difficult, at times, to carry out. I wanted to give myself and my will, whole heartedly to God and allow Him to provide.

     The day before my birthday celebration, I was shopping for what we’d need for my husband to make our family birthday dinner. As I passed the flowers, a thought presented itself: “Aren’t they pretty! Maybe I’ll buy some for the table.” I loved flowers, but especially in the winter when spring is far from sight. 

     As I contemplated which to get, another thought came to my mind: “Don’t get them. Allow Me to provide.”

     I wanted to dismiss that thought because it was rare for me to receive flowers from anyone. On occasion, my daughter has brought some for me, as well as one of my sons. “Maybe either of them will bring them.” Not truly convinced of that, I reluctantly acquiesced to my “inspiration.”

     Later that day, my husband set our dining room table for my celebration. It looked really beautiful, but had no centerpiece. I wondered if I would be disappointed by resisting the idea to provide for myself. The feelings of doubt were strong and I prayed to resist them. “I need to let go Papa, and allow You to provide. Help me to trust and receive what You are giving me.”

     The day of our celebration was upon us and we were doing the necessary preparations for our guests. My husband went outside to clear any remaining snow from our driveway, so our guests could make their way safely.

     When he came back in, he made an announcement that there was a flower delivery! He carried them in and placed them on our kitchen island. The flowers were gorgeous! They were arranged in a beautiful amethyst colored vase—the color of my birthstone—and it was filled to the brim with yellow, burgundy, and cream-colored roses. There were also orange tulips and soft pink lilies. I felt totally stunned and cried out, “Wow! They are so beautiful! Who could they be from?” My husband pointed out the card that was attached to the arrangement. It read: Happy Birthday. Love, Johnathan.

     “It’s from you! Wow! This really is a miracle! You haven’t sent me flowers in years! Thank you so much, Hon.”

     I really couldn’t believe it! Not only had God provided, but He inspired my husband to send them. The idea came to him the day before—the very day when I had responded to an invitation to trust God and allow Him to provide for me. Not only had He provided, but He did it in such a beautiful, touching, and spectacular manner!

     God was trying to show me that I have to allow Him to provide for me, especially in the areas where I feel a lack. He wants me to bring my needs before Him and know that in one way or another—He will fill me.

     I have to learn to recognize and receive what He gives me, even and especially when it’s not what I wanted or expected. I also have to go to God, when I feel disappointed or forgotten. Papa wants me to run to Him at those times, and speak “heart to heart,” about my hurts, disappoints and unmet expectations. I have to allow His love for me to be enough, and not depend so much on the love and attention of others. God wants to be my All….and I want that as well!

     I long for the day, when my heart will be fee from all the clutter and insecurities that get in the way of receiving God’s love and giving Him my heart, totally and completely. I want so much to trust Him with my whole heart, mind and will. It is my deepest prayer and desire.  My quest will continue well past Lent, and most probably for a long time to come.

    Until that glorious day arrives, I will do my best to remember this blessed event, when the God of abundance, showed me just what He does for a heart that trusts. 

     I realize that my prayers and desires, won’t always be answered in such a grand way, but I do know, whatever God sends or allows, is always for my good—in the scheme of my salvation. 

     Knowing this, it is with anticipated joy, that I will place my trust and hope in God, that He, along with my cooperation, will give me a new heart—a heart, where He will reign in love and provide for ALL my needs!

     “Let hearts that seek the Lord rejoice; turn to the Lord in His strength; constantly seek His face” (Ps 105:3-4).

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

 

4 comments:

  1. What a beautiful, vulnerable post! So relatable! Thank you for sharing your heart.

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  2. Welcome back Avia Joy, it’s so great to hear from you again! Thank you for sharing from your heart, as always. Trusting in the Lord is an easy concept, but a very difficult action. It’s something I struggle with often and pray for constantly. I love how he rewarded your faithfulness. May God give us the grace we need to trust in Him and His will.

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  3. Thank you for your inspirational, heartfelt post!! Soooo relatable, especially to me in my life right now, as you know. Also thank you for bringing Avia Joy back to us!

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  4. Sometimes His whispers are soft and comforting; sometimes they come through other means like rolling a screen up and down and then letters come together into words with entirely new meaning. Other times we turn His voice from a whisper to shout because of a lack of attention on our side. He is with us at all times.

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