You Are Mine

     It was late in the afternoon, my last day of retreat, when I decided to continue the tradition my sister Rachel and I had begun years ago. Our routine included a change of clothing – dressing up in something special -- which was symbolic of the change that had occurred spiritually within.

     Our tradition was also, our way of making the last evening special; a way to thank God for all the graces and insights with which we had been showered; a time to breathe in God’s love and bask in the still and quiet of the retreat house, one last evening.

  
     As I entered the chapel after dinner, I felt excited! It was the vigil of the feast of the Presentation. This was a feast I had cherished for years.


     “And suddenly there will come to the Temple, the Lord whom you seek and the messenger of the covenant whom you desire” (Mal 3:1).   

     I was here, waiting for my Jesus. Union with God is something to which we are all called. It was something that I longed to experience and prayed to happen. I knew I was far from being perfected and purified of all my attachments.

     The scripture from Malachi continued: “He will sit refining and purifying silver.”

     “Lord, come and purify my heart to make me worthy of You. Mother Mary, ready my heart for your Son, Jesus.”

    Secretly, in the deep recesses of my mind, I still hoped for that “love” experience from God. During a very difficult time in my sister Rachel’s life, she had such an experience, while on retreat. She shared it with me, and I had spiritual envy. I also felt slighted by God and wondered why I had never had that experience. Maybe it would be tonight.

     Although my evening was filled with God’s love and presence, it wasn’t as I had hoped. Resigned to that fact, I left the chapel to go to bed.

     My disappointment did not dampen my spirits the next day. It was the great feast of the Presentation and I would once again, present myself to God.

     “Lord, I give You my heart, full of love for You to do with You as You see fit. You have accomplished so much and have given me so many treasures to bring home.”

     “Please continue to purify my heart that I may be able to abandon myself to You, in love and complete trust. Help me to remember all the lessons You have taught me. You are such a good and generous God! And please, bless and guide my last session with my spiritual director.”

     As I sat with Sister, I shared all that God had accomplished in the past three days and we both marveled at His generosity to me! She asked if there was anything more that I wanted to discuss, and I held back. With that the doorbell rang. Sister had to answer it. In those few minutes, God convicted me to be honest with my director and tell her about my disappointment.

     I told her about not experiencing God’s love in the way I had hoped, but was trying to accept His love in the way He thought fit to give it.

     “God always wants to give you more,” she said emphatically! “He has something purer, something richer for you. He knows you and realizes that you have a deep abiding faith. God doesn’t have to give you a showy performance of love. He is loving you in a way that will deepen your faith and make it purer. He isn’t holding back from you, but giving you something that you not only need, but yearn and have prayed to have.”

     I told Sister that last week, I was talking to my sister Sarah about what I saw as my lack of faith. Sarah disagreed with me. She saw me as a woman of strong faith. She thought what I was lacking was in the area of trust.

     Sister told me that God was speaking to me through Sarah. It was something that He wanted me to accept and embrace. I was taken aback and touched deeply by this revelation. Tears began to fall from my eyes.

     I let it sink in. I am a woman of faith. I am Your woman of faith!

     My time with my director was coming to a close. It would end with a song and a special blessing. Sister seemed frustrated because the song she had chosen would not play. She tried repeatedly, and then realized it was the wrong CD. Suddenly she stated, “No, I believe it’s the one God wants you to hear,” and it played.

     It was entitled, “The Apple of Your Eye.” It was an adaptation of Psalm 17, which speaks of God’s love and deliverance.

     God was assuring me that I can depend upon Him. He is with me to deliver me. He will keep me safe. God is my protector and I am the Apple of His eye!

     To be an “apple of one’s eye,” refers to something or someone that one cherishes above all others! And if this wasn’t enough, God confirmed it by the blessing I choose – or let me say – that He choose for me:

     “May God the SHEPHERD be with you, calling you by name, reaching out to you in your lost places and calling you back to the places from which you have strayed. May this God care for you when you are weary and run to meet you as you make your way home. May you, by your care, love and wisdom, be a shepherd to the lost and a welcoming presence to those who stray. May the blessing of the Good Shepherd be on you!”

     I left my session and went to the chapel to speak with God.

     “My God! I am overwhelmed by the love and attention You have showered upon me. You know I was a bit apprehensive earlier this morning, that I would miss something, or that I wouldn’t get all that You had in store for me, or worse yet, that I wouldn’t think what You gave me was enough.”

     “Why did or why do I ever doubt You? You always have my good in mind. Help me to remember this when I leave here today and all the times when I’m tempted to believe otherwise.”

     “When I begin to doubt, help me to realize You are calling me to a deeper trust – something purer than what I have now. Resting on You and Your love, I can stand on You, my Rock of Faith.”

     God then touched my heart and mind with Psalm 27:

     “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom should I fear? The Lord is my life’s refuge; of whom should I be afraid? Though an army encamp against me, my heart will not fear; Though war be waged upon me, even then I will trust. For He will hide me in His abode in the day of trouble; He will conceal me in the shelter of His tent, He will set me on a high rock. O Lord, Your presence, I seek. Hide not Your face from me.”

     “I thank and praise You Lord! You have blessed me abundantly. You have given to me all that I need to go home and navigate through life. May I remember all these wonderful lessons, and when I forget, please nudge me!”

     God knows each of us more fully than we can ever know ourselves. He knows our needs and deepest desires. He will fulfill them as He sees fit. We have to come to the realization the He knows what is best for us. He wants us to be with Him one day in heaven and will do all to make that a reality.

     Pay attention to life as it happens. See the path it takes and trust in the One who is arranging it. Believe in His great love for you. It is yours for the taking. Receive God’s love. He wants to pour it upon you.

     “I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have called you and you are Mine” (adapted from Jeremiah 31:3).