Victim No More

     It was the morning of the second day of my retreat. Upon waking, questions that I needed to pose to God became apparent.

     As a secular Carmelite, I will choose a name at the time of my profession. Although it is more than a year away, it is something about which I have already been thinking and praying. The name that God placed upon my heart is “Therese Joy of the Wounded Hearts.”

     I choose Therese because she is the one who introduced me to Carmel, so many years ago; Joy because it is a derivative of my Baptismal name; of the Wounded Hearts for two reasons: I wanted to choose a title that would envelope God the Father, Jesus and Our Lady. Their hearts were all wounded because of their great love for the salvation of souls. The other reason I wanted to choose it was because many years ago, when I was going through a particular difficult time in my life and felt confused about my identity and mission, my spiritual director told me that my mission was to be “the Wounded Heart.”

     As crazy as it may sound, when he spoke those words to me, it made me feel like life wasn’t just spinning out of control. There was a purpose and reason for all the suffering I was experiencing. I felt acknowledged and recognized by God. I did have a mission!

     Over the years, I have embraced and tried my best to fulfill my mission, by offering up my own, as well as other people’s sufferings, for the salvation of souls. By the grace of God, I have seen much fruit in carrying out my mission, but somewhere along the way, the suffering began to take its toll on me.

     Just recently in prayer, it was revealed that I had, at times, allowed myself to become a victim. I was not giving of myself freely, but was unknowingly assuming a victim identity. With the help of a friend, I had renounced that spirit, and I did not want to fellowship with it ever again.

     I wasn’t sure how to keep from taking on this negative role of victim. If I took the name Therese Joy of the Wounded Hearts, would this just perpetuate my victim identity?

     My mind turned to Jesus: He came to be crucified. Jesus came to lay down His life for us – for me.

     Then this scripture came to mind: “I am the Good Shepherd. A good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep. This is why the Father loves Me, because I lay it down to take it up again. No one takes it from Me, I lay it down on My own” (Jn 10: 11, 17-18).

     Jesus never identified Himself as the victim or being victimized. His offering was done in perfect freedom and with love. He trusted in the Father’s plan that this act of oblation would bring about our redemption.

     I needed to move from being a victim to offering my suffering freely from the heart – in love and in trust!

    “So, how do I do this, my dear sweet Jesus? How did You do it?”

    “And You, Papa. How were You able to give Your Son to us, knowing He would be victimized by us and killed? Yet, You still love us!”

    “And Mama, although you were full of grace, you were still human like me. At the cross, your humanity must have been crying out – screaming out -- inside of you! How did you do it?”

    “It was at the cross that you took us, Mary, as your children. You were given to us by your Son. You then took us into your heart, which shortly thereafter, both yours and Jesus’ was pierced!”

     I felt overwhelmed by all of this! There was so much here to ponder. I knew I needed to sit with it and allow God to reveal His truth to me. I was to meet with my director shortly. We would discuss it further.

     I met again with Sister, and shared all that God had accomplished since we last met. She was delighted and pleased with all that God had revealed to me and praised God for the enlightenment.

     I then told her of the new revelation: situations in the past that had caused me to hold onto the victim identity. I now knew, deep within my heart, that God wanted to free me from that negative spirit. I wasn’t sure how I could stay free. I was trying to understand how although Jesus was the “Crucified One,” Mary the “Sorrowful Mother,” and Papa the “Broken Hearted Father,” They were never “victims.” I wanted that for myself!

     It was clear that the times I experienced fear and dread were from situations of which I had certain expectations. We also knew that these were situations of which I had no control. Although I felt tempted to do something to bring about the results I thought would be best, I knew I could not.

     My director suggested we explore an upcoming event that I was fretting. When I thought about the event, I felt a lump in my throat and a heaviness within my chest. Sister suggested that I acknowledge it by touch, and give it some attention. While doing so, the feeling lessened in both areas. In my head, I heard the words, “I’m here. I see you. You’re not alone.”

     At the sound of the words, I felt the presence of God. I knew He was aware of my fears and concerns. This acknowledgement brought feelings of peace, that although things may not turn out the way I want, God would be with me. I needed to recognize my feelings and share them with Him.

     Sister explained that when we ignore our feelings, it’s like ignoring a screaming infant who just wants to be touched, reassured and loved. If I can do this when I am experiencing difficult feelings, I am not only reassuring myself, but opening myself to God’s grace and presence.

     We then spoke about Jesus and Mary, and how they never hid from God, His will and His grace. They were never victims but said “Yes” to all that was in God’s will and by doing so, were open to all the grace to accept it freely.

     My director asked me to think about a time, that I was able to accept a difficult situation and really trust in God. I thought of a time when I had experienced a crushing rejection. Although I needed to grieve the situation, I did eventually surrender it to God, even though I did not understand it. This act of trust resulted in the birth of Avia Joy!

     Sister suggested that I use this as a model to see that when I can accept God’s will in my life and the grace to embrace it, He is able to bring about new life. God is in charge. I am not a victim.

     With a smile on my face, I left to go to Mass. There was so much going in my mind, but foremost was the thought of Jesus being the Good Shepherd. He freely laid down His life for His sheep. Our Communion hymn was announced: The King of Love my Shepherd Is. That’s it! That’s how Jesus, Mary and Papa all kept from being a victim. The answer was love! Their great love for me kept them from being a victim. That was the answer for me as well! I needed to lay down my life for love – love of God and love of neighbor. It was that simple. When fear fills my heart, I need to remember to acknowledge it, along with God’s presence and grace, and know God has my best interest in mind. He will use that particular situation for my good.

     My heart was singing with joy! At that moment, I knew that my afternoon would be spent pondering Psalm Twenty-Three.

     I took each verse and broke it apart. It fed my soul with riches and treasures. It reinforced all that God had been trying to teach me.

     “The Lord is my shepherd. There is nothing I shall want. Only goodness and love will pursue me all the days of my life. I will dwell in the house of the Lord for years to come” (Psalm 23:1,6).

     "The King of Love, my shepherd is, Whose goodness fails me never; I nothing lack if I am His, and He is mine forever."

     Thank You, my dear sweet God! My name will be Therese Joy of the Wounded Hearts of Love!    
    
      To be continued . . .