Renewed in Love

     “Come away by yourself to a deserted place and rest a while.”
                                                                                                             Mark 6: 31


     It had been a couple of years since I’d been away on an extended retreat. Out of the blue, during my prayer time, I felt the call. It was a surprise, and not something about which I was thinking.

     After some discussion, my husband agreed to give it to me as an early birthday gift. I was delighted, to say the least!

     As the time for the retreat approached, I wondered how God would work in my heart. I pondered which area would be labeled “under construction.”

     God had just directed me in two very big areas of my life: my marriage* and letting go of control.** These were both “biggies.” I had no other concerns that needed immediate attention. (Or so I thought!)

     My prayer: “Well, my dear sweet God, I’m sure You know what I need. I promise to stay in my seat in the orchestra, and not take Your place at the podium.”

     Upon arriving at the retreat, I met with my director. She asked me about my expectations for the retreat. I shared with her all that God had done in my life for the past few weeks, and told her that I just wanted to feel God’s love experientially. At my words, my director looked startled! “Look at all the work and trouble God has done for you just these past few weeks! How does that make you feel? Does it not show you His great love for you?” she exclaimed!

     Now I was the one who felt startled. I could tell from her reaction that this was the area that God was directing me to examine. Now that I had a direction in which to proceed, I went to the chapel.

     Sister’s questions gave me pause and brought to my attention the fact that I have certain expectations of God and the way He should show His love. Because of this, I had made the judgement that I wasn’t precious to God. In other words, if God didn’t love me in a particular way, or do a certain action, or evoke in me a certain feeling, then He wasn’t loving me.

     As I pondered that thought, my husband came to mind as well. On no! I do the same thing with Johnathan! I expect them both to love me in the ways that I think appropriate, or in the ways I show my love to others.

     As I sat there I realized how limiting and prideful that behavior was. My husband and God are not me and do not think or do things the way I do. Therefore, I miss many of the ways in which they do show me their love. Well, maybe I don’t miss them, but I don’t give them the weight their actions deserve.

     As that realization sunk in, tears began to stream down my face. How could I be so thoughtless? How could I be so blind? I then began to look at all the ways that God and my husband had shown me their love. I felt overwhelmed by their displays of love!

     God loves me! Johnathan loves me! They both know me at my worst and my best but have been true and faithful. They love me whether I love them the way they expect.


     I began to pray: “My God – help me to do the same. Allow me to let go of my expectations of how I expect to be loved, and to notice instead, all the ways I am loved.”

     “Forgive me my God – forgive me Johnathan, for not being overwhelmingly grateful for Your/your love and faithfulness. Forgive me for not seeing all the gifts that You/you shower upon me day after day.”

     In the stillness of the moment, a scripture came to mind: “I have saved the best wine until now.”
     God had given me that scripture promise for my marriage. I delighted in that word, and could see it continually unfolding. I gave praise and thanks to God for all He was doing, but as I sat there, He made it clear to me that this was a promise for my relationship with Him as well!

     A big smile erupted on my face, as another scripture came to mind: “He will rejoice over you with gladness and renew you in His love. He will sing joyfully because of you as one sings at a festival” (Zeph 3:17).

     I could not contain the feelings of my heart: that God would sing joyfully because of me? That thought made be bubble over with love! Why did I doubt my preciousness to God or His great love for me?

     I then prayed: “Open my eyes Lord, to the wonder all around me. Help me to stop looking for all the ways that I expect to be loved and instead, see all the love that is offered to me. Forgive me for my blindness and for an ungrateful heart. Thank you my dear sweet God, for this great revelation. Emblaze it upon my mind and heart. May I live and love differently because of it.”

     As I sat and basked in all the ways that I am loved, I felt like a new woman. But this was only the first afternoon of my retreat. I wondered in awe, what the remainder would hold.

To be continued . . .

*Stop! Read! Listen! – January 9, 2017
** The Fixer – January 30, 2017