The Fixer

     “Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.”  
                                                                                                                Hebrews 11: 1


     I have been struggling lately with issues of control.

     From the time I was a little girl, because of situations which I could not control, I became “The Fixer.” Now, I’m not sure if anyone else saw me as such, but it was my way of coping or dealing with difficult situations. It was an identity that I saw as useful and helpful and clung to it tightly, believing it to be a “good thing.”

      As an adult, through prayer and spiritual direction, I have come to see that being “The Fixer” is not a good thing. It is a disorder that impacts both my relationship with people and God.  Unfortunately, this habit or “need” to fix things, when life isn’t proceeding the way I think it should, seems to just “kick in.” My imagination goes wild and I begin to contrive ways to “fix it”; whether it is my job to do so or not.

      Because I am aware of my compulsion, although I may worry and fret, I have learned to control my impulses -- at least until I talk it over with my husband or a friend. But the angst and pressure that I place upon myself is not good – for myself or others.

     Because I was wrestling within myself with some unsettling issues, I shared my struggle with a friend, Meira. She offered to pray with me.

     In our time of prayer, Meira saw the image of an orchestra. I was at the podium, where the conductor stands. I had the baton in my hand and was trying my best to direct the musicians. Some were following my lead, while others were not. Instead, they were doing their own thing.

     I began to become frustrated and beat my baton in their direction. When they did not respond by playing to my lead, leaving the podium, I attempted to strangle them. Realizing my hands were wrapped around their throat, startled me. I was jarred awake, by the fact, that I do not belong at the podium! I was not the conductor, but a musician! Finding an empty chair, I sat down with the orchestra and picked up my instrument. The real conductor stepped up to the podium and began leading all the musicians. There was now harmony and a beautiful melody was brought forth.

     End of prayer image.

     Soaking it all in, I was initially stunned by the thought of me squeezing someone’s throat. I not a violent person and it seemed harsh! Meira apologized for including that part of the image, but felt she needed to be true to what God had placed on her heart. We prayed for enlightenment, as we sat there in God’s presence.

     The light came: God allowed me to see that when I try to be “The Fixer,” I am trying to take the situation by the throat and force it to change. He helped me to see that I am not the conductor, He is. I need to take my place and play with His direction. I have to allow others to play their instruments as they see fit. God doesn’t need my help to instruct them. He will lead them and correct them, if necessary, as He does for me. Even when things seem “out of tune” to me, it is the tune He has allowed to be played. He can bring it around, if need be, in His time, to become an outstanding symphony.

     I was grateful to Meira for her courage to paint the whole picture and reveal it to me. It was truly a gift from God! I could not begin to change, if I didn’t have a true glimpse of my behavior.

     The image of the orchestra seemed emblazed upon my mind. When next I was tempted to become the fixer, I called it to mind, and it helped. But how long would that last? What about a few weeks from now, a month, a year? How about when it wasn’t so fresh on my mind?

     Although I was so pleased with all that God was teaching me, I didn’t believe I was truly free. The feelings I experience that compel me to “fix” things, come upon me like a violent storm. I did not yet feel strong enough to overcome them. I decided that I needed to bring this whole situation, once again, to prayer.

     I really did want to change! I was so tired of being the fixer. But, when those feelings of losing control enter my heart, it seems like I just have to do something!

     As I began my prayer by meditating on Sacred Scripture, these words hit me hard: “Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen” (Heb. 11:8). It became clear to me that my actions of having to do something show a lack of faith and trust in God. That realization stung my heart! This is an area I have been trying so hard to overcome – my lack of faith and trust!

     I wanted so to imitate my father Abraham, and believe “that the One who made the promise was trustworthy” (Heb. 11: 11). I deeply desired and longed to believe that my Papa was taking care of me, no matter how situations in my life appeared.

     As I continued in my prayer time and read the Gospel, Christ’s word punctured my heart: “Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?” (Mk 4: 40).

     My faith was weak. Jesus was correct! I begged God for more faith. I needed to believe that God is attentive to my prayer and would increase my faith and trust in Him. He was allowing me to see myself so He could lead me to freedom! I did not have to be a fixer anymore. I did not have to be God!

     God does not want me to be burdened with His job. It’s way over my pay grade! It didn’t work when I was a child and it’s not working now. I have to remember that fact when things get shaky. 
  
      “When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things” (I Corth 13: 11).

      I am not a helpless child anymore, who has to figure out a way to cope with life. I am a daughter of the Most High God! My Papa will take care of me!

     When I am tempted to move into “automatic pilot,” and take matters into my own hands, I will instead stand on the authority of our Lord, Jesus Christ, and command the squall of feelings that is washing over me: “Quiet! Be still!” (Mk 4: 38).

     Buoyed by my faith, as I allow God’s calm and peace to settle upon my heart, I will bask in the realization of what I am hoping for, and the evidence of thing not yet seen!