Loved by Someone -- just because!

     “I have stilled and quieted my soul like a weaned child. Like a weaned child on its mother’s lap, so is my soul within me.”

     These words from Psalm 131 punctured my heart.

     It was part of my penance to pray and meditate on that psalm because my soul was so far from stillness and peace.

     Although I knew I was loved by God, my family and friends, I struggled with the truth of being loved just for myself. I had the idea that I needed “to do” to be loved and loveable. It was an attitude that I had acquired from my childhood and it seemed to have worked for most of my life . . .but, at this point in time, I felt weary and worn out from trying so hard!

    My spiritual director tried to assure me of my worth as a child of God and the deep love that God had for me. Although I knew it in my head, it was far from reaching my heart. Father assured me that if I was convicted of this truth, it would give me the freedom I lacked in my quest for love.

      As I sat in prayer, I felt helpless to change my mindset and knew that I was light years away from being a weaned child on my mother’s lap. Having breastfed five babies, I remember well the difficulties of weaning them. Sitting on my lap during our weaning process was anything but contentment! They wanted to nurse and did not understand why I would not let them. I would have to distract or amuse them to keep the tears from flowing . . . and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. It was a painful process – for them and for me -- but once they were fully weaned, they were happy to sit with me, close to my heart.

     In my pondering, it became clear that God was telling me it was time to be weaned from this “untruth.” I had believed it for so long, it was difficult to accept. I begged and pleaded with God to help me to believe and live this truth. I asked that He help me to know from the bottom of my toes, flowing up to my heart, and then right to my head, how much I am loved by Him and how precious I am to Him. I asked God to lead me and guide me to this knowing, because I was just His little girl and could not do it on my own.  Intellectually I realized that I did not need to do anything for Him to love me! Because my heart had been wounded by earthy relationships, I felt like a failure. These situations had impacted my self-worth and the idea of being worthy of love—even of God’s.

     I then turned to my dear Mother Mary, who had allowed God’s love to fill her completely. Life’s circumstances did not rock her world because of her deep belief in the love God had for her, as well as her complete trust in Him. I asked Mary to take me by the hand and lead me to understand and feel God’s love for me, especially during times of insecurity in relationships. I told her that I knew God was the only One who could fill this hole in my heart, but that I needed help to be content with the love that I was given by others. It was becoming clear to me that I could not achieve it by my actions and should never have to work to be loved.

     It has been quite some time since God revealed this lesson to me. Although I have grown in this area, it is still one that I have to examine frequently. Believing in my worth because God made me and not for what I can do and achieve, continues to be a challenge. Knowing I am loved by Somone, “just because,” is hard to fathom in a world where “worth” is measured by what you do – and what you have. I’m also still working on opening up my heart completely to God’s love so that I am freer to love and able to accept love from others. I believe this is something I will have to work on for the rest of my life!

     No, I am not quite weaned yet – even after all these years – but with the help of God’s grace, as well as His great love for me, I hope to someday be content and sit quietly on His lap -- basking in His love – knowing it is a gift – and not something to be earned!
   
   
   
   


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