Create a clean heart in me, O God!

     As I lie prostrate, that summer afternoon, in my empty parish Church, I begged God to help me to love my sister. I told Him that He was going to have to give me His heart and do it for me because I knew that I had failed miserably.

     I had not started my day off on the wrong foot…quiet prayer time, morning Mass, breakfast, and then the Wednesday morning bible study that I facilitated at my home...  The only difference would be that my sister Yoana would be a part of the bible study because another sister was in town and we would afterwards go out to lunch and do a little shopping.

     Our plan sounded nice enough and we really wanted to include Yoana because she was not able to get out as often as she liked. We would take her home at the end of the day and hopefully give her a memory to cherish.

     Although I loved Yoana very much, our history was peppered with neediness on her part. Being a “good Christian” I would do what I could to help her, but her response to me was more one of “expecting” me to help than being grateful for my assistance.  It seemed to me that no matter what I did for her, she always wanted more or something different from what I was willing to offer.

     And that’s just the way it was for me that summer day long ago. Although I had the best of intentions, by the end of the day, I felt like my sister had sucked all life out of me.  I felt so hypocritical and phony. I wondered if I, who took great efforts to grow in my relationship with God, had progressed at all. Why did I feel this way? I did not like the way I felt about myself. After all, wasn’t I just trying to do something nice for someone anyway? Why was I in such turmoil?
   
     It is many years since that day in my Church and “praise God,” He changed my heart and has healed Yoana and my relationship into a mutual self-giving one. However, it did not happen overnight.

     That afternoon was the beginning of God revealing to me that I, in fact, was not really loving my sister, but doing my duty as a “Christian.” I was going through the motions of what I believed God was calling me to do and although I really did help Yoana and support her throughout her life, I came to see that pure love was not the motive. Over the years, I had wrestled with myself to do what I believed to be right because I knew that “love is not a feeling but an action.” Unfortunately, some of Yoana’s life choices had had a negative impact on my family and me and over time, my heart had hardened towards my sister and I could no longer deal with the spiritual battle within my soul.

     God started to help me to truly love Yoana and see her through His eyes and little by little, a change began to occur. I began to reach out to my sister with love and could see a difference in both her and myself. Also, because our relationship was becoming stronger, I was able to be honest with her when I believed she was trying to take advantage of me and set fair limits to my giving. I did not allow guilt to dictate my actions or allow myself to be manipulated as I had in the past.

     Another big change that occurred in our relationship was that because I was able to see Yoana in a positive light -- I could affirm her and reflect her goodness back to her.  That is an aspect of our relationship that has been most life giving to both her and me.  Lastly, it is so nice to be able to say, “I love you and am very proud of the ways you have grown” and mean it. She is also very supportive and affirming to me as well and we help one another grow in holiness.

      There are people, I believe, whom God places in our lives to help us become saints.  As I write that sentence, I smile, because I often kid that those people will either be my ticket into heaven or hell…the choice is mine and how I deal with it.