Our Wickedness

     “Though your servant is careful of them, very diligent in keeping them, yet who can detect failings? Cleanse me from my unknown faults! (Ps. 19 vs. 12-14)



      I always loved God, but when the Holy Spirit touched my heart in a profound way in my late twenties, my relationship with God became a priority. Over time, I had incorporated in my life many religious practices that helped me to grow closer to God: reading Holy Scripture, attending weekday Mass when possible, frequent confession, quiet prayer time and spiritual reading. I was delighted when my schedule allowed for a day of prayer and reflection. A special time set apart from the everyday hustle and bustle of family life.


     Those days were like opening a treasure chest, filled with priceless jewels, just waiting to be received. I always went with great expectations, knowing that God, in His generosity would give me just what I needed. Sometimes I was filled with the knowledge of His great love for me, while another time, a fault that I was unaware of, was revealed. There were times when an answer to a problem became clear, or when I was filled with grace to surrender a situation to God that appeared hopeless. No matter where I was in my life, or what my needs were, God was well aware and would lead me to His gift. The gift, along with the grace to receive it was presented to me, but I was free to accept or refuse it.

     While on retreat, many years ago, God presented to me a very particular gift. It was not one that I expected or anticipated. In fact, it took me quite by surprise and I almost SAID NO!

     I had availed myself to the great Sacrament of Reconciliation. I was not familiar with this priest, but his conferences had really touched my heart. I was confessing many areas in which I was struggling, but my main focus was on one specific relationship with which there were difficulties.

     I shared with Father my struggles, feeling quite justified in my assessment of the situation. I told him that I often vented with a person who was in relationship with this person as well. I finished telling him my sins and imperfections and he counseled me, but did not mention “that” relationship. There was a few seconds of silence which were broken with the words, “Now, let’s talk about your wickedness.”

     “My wickedness,” I thought! Me, wicked? That was not a way I thought about myself. I was totally flabbergasted! Was this priest off base, or was there truth in his statement? It seemed like an eternity while these thoughts crowded my mind. I wasn't sure just how I wanted to respond. I was still reeling from the remark and was trying to find my voice. Sure, I wanted to grow in holiness and change in the ways that God was calling me, but wickedness?

     I said a quick prayer to the Holy Spirit and asked to be open to the truth. I asked for the priest to please enlighten me. I knelt and listened to him and by the grace of God, saw his words as truth. A deep feeling of remorse and compunction filled my heart and with that, tears fell profusely from my eyes. How could I have been so blind? I felt stunned! I worked so hard on my relationship with God and took great pride in my efforts. Was that it? Was I like the publican who only looked at his good works and was blinded to his sin?

     Father told me that although I may be justified in my assessment of the situation, I was influencing one person’s view of another. I was pouring toxic waste into their heart through my “wickedness.” I was to bite my tongue when the desire arose within me to say something negative about the other person. I was to be aware of the harm I had done and make amends for my “wickedness.” I was to make an effort to do what I could to improve the relationship.

     When I left the retreat that day, I was a different woman. I felt startled that I could have been so deceived. The devil had tricked me, as he had Eve, into believing that what I was doing was okay. I had bitten the apple and shared it with someone else. I was not building up the Kingdom of God but tearing it down. I had inadvertently deeply offended God without even realizing it.

     It was over 20 years ago that God revealed to me that valuable lesson: Sometimes a fault or sin of someone else, which seems blatant and obvious to us, is unknown to them. It is something that they really do not see; until, by the grace of God, He reveals it to them . . . but it is up to them to accept it as true statement and begin to live differently.

      I have prayed that little verse of Psalm 19 time and time again throughout these years, in the hope that God will give me sight to see my “hidden faults.” Although they may be hidden to me, they are as clear as the nose on my face to others!

     Let us all pray to the Holy Spirit to convict our hearts and show us all of our “unknown faults.” But please be gentle dear God, and reveal them one at a time!

     “And when He comes He will convict the world in regard to sin” (Jn.16 vs. 8). “But when He comes, the Spirit of truth, He will guide you to all truth” (Jn. 16 vs. 13).

     Come Holy Spirit! Come Sasha, come! Come and reveal to us our hidden faults. Bring the light of your truth into the dark areas of our hearts and minds, to enlighten us in the ways You are calling us to change. Pour your graces upon us so we will have the courage and perseverance we will need. Help us, that we may never be satisfied with mediocre, striving always to grow in self-knowledge, so we may see the ways we have failed to reflect Your image. Come Holy Spirit and convict us of our sins. Make us into the image of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!