He Who Makes Us Desire, Grants Our Desire

     “More than ever, I understand that the smallest events of our life are conducted by God; He is the One who makes us desire and who grants our desires.             
                                                                                                 St. Therese of Lisieux

     We all have dreams and desires of our hearts; some we’ve had for a long time, whiles other fairly new: our vocation, children, goals in life, places to visit, a home, spiritual hopes and the such.

     As our lives unfold, our desires are fulfilled or not. Like the seasons, they change and sometimes even fade away, while others come to fruition, grow and blossom.

     But there are some that are with us for a very long time and do not disappear. They, in fact, seem to grow in intensity and importance. They accompany us daily and we continually lay them at the feet –no, at the heart of God, begging Him to make them a reality one day.

     I believe, like Therese, that it is God who puts these desires in our minds and hearts-  the little ones, as well as the big ones that live in the deepest recesses of our hearts.

     Along with these desires, God gives us the grace and inclination, to petition Him unceasingly. Msgr. Knox tells us that, “What we mean, in the last resort, by ‘an answer to prayer,’ is that from the beginning of time, before He set about the building of the worlds, God foreknew every prayer that the human heart would breathe, and took it into account.”

     God placed these desires in our hearts, and then the fortitude to persevere, sometimes for years, until they come to fruition. Such is the case with one of the deepest desires of my heart.

     For 30 years or more, I have longed and hoped to one day, travel to the Holy Land. This was no secret to anyone who knows me. In fact, when a new highway was being built, many years ago, my youngest son asked me so innocently, “Mommy, when the new highway is built, will you be able to go on it and drive to Jerusalem?” He was about 4 years old at the time.

     Because of my commitments at home, as well as the expense of raising a large family, a pilgrimage to the Holy Land was completely out of the question. Although I accepted that fact, the longing to go did not go away. It grew instead. I would sigh and think, maybe someday!

     As our children grew and left home, the possibility of going seemed plausible. So, at different times, during the last 10 years, I approached my husband with the subject and he was opposed because he feared for my safety.

     Although I felt disappointed, I understood his fear but pointed out to him the number of people that I knew who had come and gone to the Holy Land and nothing bad happened to them. That fact did not change his mind. In his opinion, it was not a good time to go.

     All during this time, I would talk to God and offer my great disappointment to Him. “Why Lord, would You put this deep desire in my heart if You never mean to fulfill it? Is it something that You just want me to offer up?”

     I heard no response, but the deep desire stayed with me, so I continued to pray for God to change my husband’s mind.

     This past summer, while speaking to an older gentlemen friend, he told me that our archdiocese was sponsoring a pilgrimage to the Holy Land and that I should ask my husband about going. I thanked him for the information and thought, “what do I have to lose?”

     I casually mentioned to Johnathan about our friend telling me about the pilgrimage and left it at that. I began to bring this desire once again, to the forefront of my prayer and asked family and friends to pray as well. I had a sense within that this could very well be my last chance to go.

     I contacted two friends whom I thought may be going, thinking that if my husband knew some people who were going, maybe it would seem less dangerous to him. To my great pleasure, they were going to be part of the pilgrimage! “Good,” I thought, “this just might help the cause!”

     Next, I prayed for God to open a good time for me to discuss the subject with Johnathan, as we know, timing is everything!

     Saturday evening of that week, we went out to dinner. After talking together for some time, I brought the subject up. Johnathan did not seem opposed to it, but listened. Although he didn’t say yes, he didn’t say no! In fact, on our way home he even kidded about it. I felt hopeful! Was this the time for my desire to be fulfilled? I continued to pray and asked friends to pray as well!

     Several days later, something changed. Johnathan was filled with fear for my safety. He did not think this was a good idea and did not want me to go.

     I was crushed! It seemed like it was going to happen and now, it was snatched away from me! I did not understand his about turn; there was nothing I could do or say to eliminate his great fears. My hopes were dashed!

     Weeks and months passed, but the desire did not go away.  I wanted to go to the Holy Land more than ever!

     I talked to a friend who is a Carmelite hermit about the whole situation. Brother told me that he believed the desire was a desire that God had place on my heart. The reason for his belief was because it had lasted all these years, even though most of the time, the plausibility of it happening, seemed unlikely.

     He stated that God may have placed it on my heart for two reasons: one, because He is going to fulfill it, or two, because He wants me to offer it up since it could help me to grow in grace and virtue.

      Then Brother asked, “Was I willing to accept whichever it was from God? -- that was the real question that God was asking me.” I told him that I wanted to accept whatever it was that God wanted for me, but asked that he please pray that I have the grace to be able to do it. He agreed to do so!

     It was not very long after that conversation when I had the sense to bring the subject of the pilgrimage to my husband once more. The deadline was fast approaching and I knew it would be my last chance. In fact, I had the sense that if it didn’t happen this time, it wasn’t going to happen at all.

     “Thy kingdom come! Thy will be done!”

     It’s now or never! What do I have to lose?

     I brought up the subject. Johnathan seemed opened! I continued with my conversation by expressing the deep desires of my heart. He asked me a few questions, and then told me that he although he still did not think it was safe, he wouldn’t stand in my way. He agreed! I’m going on the pilgrimage!!!

     I couldn’t believe my ears! I felt like a kid on Christmas morning who had received the gift she never thought she ever get in a million years! I wanted to shout and jump up and down! I felt like I did on my wedding day – I had a smile from one side of my face to the other—that remained for days.

     It is less than two weeks from the time that I leave. It is a dream come true! It has given me hope to continue to pray for all the other desires which at times, seem impossible.

     I believe if God could change Johnathan’s mind about this, He really can do anything!

     “Trust in the Lord and do good that you may dwell in the land and live secure. Find your delight in the Lord who will give you your heart’s desire.” (Ps 37: 4-5).