Light in the Darkness

     Sadness had overtaken my focus on Christmas. There was nothing manifest to make me feel this way.

     We had had a wonderful Christmas celebration with family and friends. I had made time for Christ and had carved out “quiet moments” to keep my focus on His birth. So, what was wrong?

     The feelings of sadness began to creep in a few days after Christmas day.

     I recognized that part of what I felt was probably due to tiredness, from all the activities. But that was not the whole of it. There was something deeper here.

     Unconsciously, I began to try to fix the way I was feeling by planning another event, eating another cookie, buying just the right thing. It was not working. I could not fill this deep void. Try as I may, my feelings of sadness remained.

     I brought my feelings to prayer and talked with several friends, but nothing shed light upon the problem. I decided to do my best to accept my sufferings, unite them to Christ’s and wait and wait.

     While listening to my pastor’s homily on Holy Family Sunday, God’s light began to illumine my darkness. Father talked about how wise the Church is to celebrate the feast of the Holy Family the Sunday after Christmas. He told us that no matter how perfect our Christmas celebrations are, we are still, most often “ourselves” with our families – with all our flaws, stains and wrinkles.

     He went on to say, “the Church, in Her wisdom, does not hold up a “perfect” family for us to imitate, but a holy family. It is holiness that we must strive towards, not perfection, and God will give us the grace to one day, to achieve it.”

     As I sat there, tears welled in my eyes. Although I had experienced a really nice Christmas, I still hadn’t “arrived” at holiness. We hadn’t arrived. My own faults and foibles had clearly presented themselves, as did the failings of others. My mind had been so focused on Isaiah’s Messianic promises of everything and everyone being one – of things going well—and all of this happening because of a little Child, and this was not the reality I had experienced.

     The sadness, the longing that I was experiencing, was the hope that someday, all would know, love and recognize this little Child, and that we would all love one another and be one in Him. Right at that moment, I ached for the world would to realize, that we are all part of a very big family – the Family of God!

     Being part of the Family of God, brings with it joy and hope, but also suffering—and this is the piece of the puzzle I had forgotten!

     The longing I was experiencing was not a bad thing, but a reminder that I am still on my earthly journey and have not yet arrived. God allowed me to experience sadness at a time when I expected to feel only joy and happiness. He invited me to feel the pain He feels as the world celebrates Christmas without including His Son. He showed me in my humanness, how I so needed His Son Jesus, as my Savior.

     I wanted a world that was already heaven. This is NOT God’s reality. My plan, not His.

     I need to remember that God is God and I am not. His love and patience for me, and the whole world is endless. I know the end of the story: GOD WILL BE VICTORIOUS!

     In the meantime, I must learn to be patient with myself and others and not expect perfection, but look forward with great hope, when “the Lord of hosts will provide for all peoples a rich food and choice wines, juicy rich food and pure, choice wines. On this mountain he will destroy the veil that veils all peoples, the web that is woven over all nations; he will destroy death forever. The Lord God will wipe away the tears from all faces; the reproach of his people he will remove from the whole earth; for the Lord has spoken. On that day it will be said: ‘Behold our God, to whom we looked to save us! This is the Lord for whom we looked; let us rejoice and be glad that He has saved us!’” Isaiah 25:6-9

     “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; upon those who dwelt in the land of gloom a light has shown. For a Child is born to us, a Son is given to us.” Isaiah 9:1, 5