A Contrite Heart

     “Avoid the little faults. Ask Me to help you to see them more clearly, in their true light, like a window in sunshine. You will not dare repeat them; you will be on the watch not to repeat them; you will be on the watch not to hurt Me. And when you notice you have done wrong, you will ask Me to forgive you. My heart has seen everything and is ready to forget, because it listens to your words of distress and humility. Oh, the power of repentance! The sacrifice that pleases Me is a contrite heart.”                                                                                                                                                                               
                                                                                                  Jesus to Gabrielle Bossis

     For months, I have been struggling with overcoming the imperfections, which God has been pointing out to me.

     He has been perfecting my way of loving, to be more in line with the way He loves. Even though I have a long way to go, I felt as though I am moving in the right direction. God has convicted my heart and enabled me to see, confess my fault and has given me the desire to change. When I fail in this area, He is quick to point out the failure, so I can humble myself, repent and start again.

      Although I was encouraged by forward movement in this area, there was another concern: my inordinate attachment to food had come to life once again!

     Now, don’t get me wrong. I do not overeat by much. It’s a little bit here, a little bit there. I think you know what I’m talking about. You know, I’m physically satisfied, but continue to eat a few more bites. And then of course, in the evening, when I’m really not hungry at all, and the ice cream with potato chips – or whatever it is -- shouts my name. Physically, I am not hungry, but I answer the call anyway, even though I hear that little voice telling me to resist! The worst part is, I recognize it as turning away from God, but really don’t care. I justify that I deserve it – even though there is not a bit of physical hunger.

     After this happens, I feel frustrated with myself! I could not overcome my desire to “pamper” myself. But was I really pampering myself or punishing myself?  Having giving in to my inordinate desire, I feel like a failure. I had overcome this attachment years ago, never expecting to confront it again. Why did I become so attached??? Why doesn’t God just take it away? After all, I’ve been begging Him!

     When I brought the matter to confession, I was told that I was being a little too hard on myself. After all, it is okay to enjoy a little ice cream. “I know it’s okay to enjoy food. But Father, I’m not hungry. I just want it! Suppose it was alcohol or drugs? I need to be able to say no to myself.”  He did not understand. I knew for me it was wrong and that I needed God’s grace to overcome myself. God knew my heart and my desire to change. I would keep praying and place my hope and trust in God.

     I pondered and questioned: What was missing? Why was I able to change in one area, and not in the other? What was different?

     I began in earnest, to ask God to reveal the solution to me. I made a pilgrimage to one of my favorite shrines, started a novena, and prayed for wisdom and discernment, for myself and for others who are struggling in this area.

     One day afterwards, God’s light began to shine on the area as I read my morning devotion: “Temperance is the virtue which moderates in us the inordinate desire for sensible pleasures, keeping it within the limits assigned by reason and faith. Temperance regulates our passions and permits us to use our senses in perfect harmony with the requirements of the spirit, in such a way that they do not disturb our spiritual life. Temperance, together with grace and the other virtues, heals and elevates our nature by reestablishing in us the harmony that was destroyed by sin” (Fr. Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalen).

     The reading continued explaining about the many ways in which the virtue of temperance works in our lives, but the part that struck home with me was: “the need of mortification in the sense of taste, is less understood. In this matter, even souls striving for perfection are quite free in admitting sensible pleasure, considering it to be a wholly innocent pleasure and of no consequence for the spiritual life. This is not so, since everything inordinate – even to the slightest degree – in the life of the senses eventually impairs, more or less, the life of the spirit and weakens it. In fact, disorders in the use of food and drink every time we allow the amount we use to be determined in any way by the pleasure we find in it, taking more than is necessary. This is being a slave to our senses, and allowing ourselves to be dominated by sensible pleasures; it is an open door to the rebellion of the senses against the spirit.”

     So, I’m not being too hard on myself. I knew it was affecting my relationship with God in a negative way. I must pray to be able to practice the virtue of temperance. That’s it!

     I began to try my best to practice temperance in the area of eating. I’d do good for a while, and then slip. I’d begin again, go for a few more days and fall again. I didn’t know what to do! I wanted to change, but just couldn’t! I prayed and begged God for His guidance.

     Two things became apparent to me. The first was that I was not really sorry for my offense to God. I was instead sorry because I had gained a few pounds. I wanted my behavior to change for vain and selfish reasons. I wasn’t sorry that I was running to food instead of to God, or giving food a place in my heart that only God should hold. I was focused on myself and the visible consequences it was having in my life.

     This revelation was a big deal! I felt humbled and repentant when I realized how self-absorbed I had been. Because I was aware that my attachment was an offense to God, I had been praying for a contrite heart. Even though I knew my actions had a negative effect on my relationship with God, I could not make myself feel sorry. I needed to turn to God and ask for His forgiveness and take my focus away from myself. This was the first step toward change, but I needed something more.

     Several days later, during devotional reading, it was revealed to me: “The virtue of fortitude and the gift of fortitude have the same end, to strengthen us in the spiritual life, but they differ as to the manner in which they act. The virtue acts in us by means of our own efforts, sustained, certainly, by grace, but yet these efforts are always human efforts; consequently, they will always be affected by our limitations. On the other hand, the gift is supernatural not only in itself, abut also in its activation. In fact, instead of being put into action by us, as in the case of the virtue, it is activated by God Himself. By means of the virtue and using our good will, the little sister of grace, it is we who try to acquire fortitude to make ourselves strong; by means of the gift, however, it is the Holy Spirit who fortifies us interiorly, communication to us something of His omnipotence, something of His infinite fortitude. Between the fortitude acquired by our own efforts and that infused by the Holy Spirit, there is a difference similar to that which exits between the work of an inexperienced student and that of a skillful artist, or rather, between mans’ capacity and power, and God’s. But the Holy Spirit wills that we should be disposed to receive this gift by practicing the virtue. Our efforts, repeated with humility and constancy are in themselves a tacit plea for the gift of fortitude. Through these efforts we unfurl the sails of our souls to the breeze of the Holy Spirit. It remains for Him to choose the moment to move us, but He will not do this unless He finds us disposed to welcome His Divine impulse, that is, applying ourselves to the practice of virtue” (Fr. Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalen).

     This second revelation was the final key that I needed to help me to overcome myself!

     Although I had been trying before, my heart was not in the right place. I was focused on myself and not on God, therefore I could not practice the virtue of fortitude for any sustained amount of time.

     I wanted the results but did not want to sacrifice and do the work needed to achieve my goal. I wanted God to take a magic wand and just give me the gift of fortitude without having to practice the virtue of fortitude. I now knew that to receive the gift of fortitude, I needed to work for it.

     I felt like I could taste freedom! Freedom to love God and give Him the part of my heart that I had been holding back. Freedom from being a slave to my inordinate desires. Freedom to become the woman God has called me to be from all eternity.

     I have been practicing this virtue in this area now for several weeks. Although I have not been perfect, my heart is focused on God and not myself. When I’m tempted, I run to Him. When I fall, I run to Him and ask for His forgiveness. I want God to have all of my heart! I do not want anything or anyone to take the place that only God should hold. I am eternally grateful that He has enlightened me in this area of struggle. I pray that I may overcome myself and belong to Him completely.

     To do this, I must always put my trust in Him and not in my own strength. I am His little girl who has so much yet to learn. Step by step, walking with God, I’ll get there making progress with a humbled and contrite heart.

     “You must love the Lord your God, with all heart, with all your being, with all your strength, and with all your mind” (Lk 10: 27).