Hiding from God

     “And when He comes, He will convict the world in regard to sin. The Spirit of truth will guide you into all truth.”                                                                
                                                                                                        Jn 15: 8, 13



     I was struggling! I was trying to justify an action I had committed. I had justified it in the past, but this time, something within me kept picking at my conscience.

     I tried to ignore it. I did my best to suppress it, but could not!  

     I wanted to flee from the guilt I was feeling! I did not want to be convicted of my sin.

     Like Adam and Eve, I wanted to hide from God and pretend I did not hear His voice.

     “Where are you?” God spoke to my heart. I could ignore Him no more. I had to look at what He was pointing out to me about my behavior. What I did was wrong. My sin not only harmed my relationship with God, but others as well. It was clear because of my reluctance to see this as sin, that I didn’t want to face up to my action. I needed to repent, ask for God’s forgiveness and go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation for His grace and absolution.

     This would not be easy. I usually go to confession at my parish and often, face to face. Even if I were in the confessional, they knew my voice. How humiliating!

     I wrestled with the idea of exposing myself and making myself so vulnerable. “This is going to be hard,” I thought. I wasn’t sure when I could go, but didn’t want to put it off now that I was convicted of my sin. I also wanted to go while I still had the courage. I decided that I’d ask Father the next day to hear my confession.

     Praise be to God! The priest was available the following day. I was so nervous! I knew that my sin wasn’t awful, but it was one I had never confessed before. I felt ashamed of myself! I did not want to admit it out loud, let alone to another person – especially someone who admired and thought well of me.

     It became clear to me, by my struggle, that my pride was involved with my feelings of shame. It seemed as though I was much more concerned about myself, than the fact that I had offended God and hurt Him. I needed to take the focus off myself and ask for the grace of true contrition.

     “Please God, give me the grace and humility to make a good confession. Help me to be open and honest. Help me not to conceal anything but be transparent. It is really You to whom I am confessing. Besides, I am truly sorry, even if it isn’t pure. I need Your love and Your grace. I don’t want to separate myself from You through sin. Please give me courage!”

     As I began my confession, I decided to mention my other sins first. It would make it a little easier to then talk about the one which brought me shame. Besides, I was afraid I’d forget the other ones if I spoke of the harder one first.

     All of my “usual” sins were voiced. Now came the one I really didn’t want to reveal. “God give me humility and courage,” I inwardly prayed. “Okay. Get on with it!”

     With that, I spit it out. I spoke of my sin and my struggle. I told Father how I didn’t want to confess it; that it brought me shame. I didn’t want him to think less of me and considered going to another parish where I would not be known. But I believed that exposing my sin to someone who does know me and truly owning up to it, was part of what God was asking me to do. I needed to humble myself before Father and God.

     Father was wonderful! When I was finished speaking He spoke of how God is thrilled that I came to confess my sin. He told me how pleased he was with my honesty and reminded me of how much God loves me.

     He told me that God loves me too much to allow me to justify my action. He said that because of my deep relationship with God, I had to make things right – not only with God, but with the person with whom my sin impacted.

     I had had a strong sense that that would-be part of my penance and was the other reason why I tried to ignore the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

     Confessing to a priest was one thing, as difficult as that was, but having to reveal it to someone else, especially when they were not aware of my action? This was going to be difficult, but I knew that it was necessary. This would in some way, help me to “pay back” the damage I had inflicted on God, as well on my friend. It would play a big part in the process of forgiveness.

     I prayed my penance and felt like a great burden was removed from my heart. I was light-hearted and felt right with God. Even though I still needed to do the second part of my penance, I knew that God would help me carry it out and bring it to completion.

     I knew I needed to do it sooner than later, but prayed for the right moment to confess my sin to my friend.

     Some time that weekend, the opportunity presented itself. From the time I had received the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I had been praying for the right words to say, as well as for the humility and courage to utter them. As with my confession with the priest, I cried tears of sorrow, repentance and shame. It was difficult, but with the grace of God, I got through it.

     My friend was wonderful and understanding of my actions. They could see how I could justify my actions but appreciated my honesty.

     I felt free! I had confronted my wickedness and allowed the Holy Spirit to convict me of an action I could have very well justified and ignored.

     I was so grateful to God for His persistence in revealing my sin to me. I felt loved and cherished by God! He loved me too much to allow me to pretend that my action was okay. He wanted all to be right with our relationship.

     I did too!

     “When you do these things, shall I be deaf to it? Or do you think that I am like yourself? I will correct you by drawing them up before your eyes” (Ps 50: 21).

     “A clean heart create for me, O God, and a steadfast spirit renew within me. Cast me not out from Your presence, and Your Holy Spirit take not from me. Give me back the joy of your salvation and a willing spirit sustain in me. My sacrifice, O God, is a contrite spirit; a heart contrite and humbled, O God, you will not spurn” (Ps 51: 12-14, 19).

     Thank you, my dear sweet Jesus, for sending me Your Holy Spirit to convict me of my sin. Let me always recognize the severity of my sin. Help me to get passed myself and put to death the pride that rears its ugly hide when my sin is revealed to me. May I never ignore the promptings of the Holy Spirit but heed His call to mercy and forgiveness!