Mea Culpa!

     “God, give me the Lent I need, not necessarily the Lent I want,” was my prayer on Ash Wednesday. God IS faithful; He answered my prayer. He is using this time to show me how to conquer the flaws with which I struggle. Weeks before Lent God began to teach me lessons in faith and trust. As I entered the desert of Lent, He has allowed circumstances in my life to unfold to give me practice in these areas.

     “Oh, that today you would hear His voice, harden not your hearts” (Psalm 95:7b).

     God is so good and gentle. He does not force us, but invites us to trust in His unfolding plan. He speaks to our hearts, coaching us, through family, friends and His Holy Spirit. The sin of pride, at times, blinds us to His guidance and His presence.  We may or may not acknowledge or recognize Him, losing the opportunity to grow in humility and trust. Our faith is in ourselves and not in God. We want things a certain way, or at a particular time, and believe we know best. We want to push through to achieve OUR goal and do not trust in God’s perfect will and timing.

     I’d like to share two circumstances in my life where God has been busy trying to open my mind to His plan. The first is with the blog, Avia Joy, and the second is a new ministry to which, I think, He is calling me.

     When Avia Joy was conceived, I had everything figured out: how many times a week I would write, always having a backlog of posts, and expecting the rest of life to fall into place so this could all happen.

     It’s been a little over three years since I’ve been writing, and little by little, God has shown me that this is His baby and not mine. He has used Avia Joy to SHOW ME that I do not have control over the number of blogs written, let alone my life. I do my part and try, but if His Holy Spirit doesn’t show up, my mind and the page are blank.

     I did not grasp this at first, but over time, I began to trust that I would write when God wanted me to do so. Usually, not more than a week or ten days would pass without a new post. Rarely did it go further than that . . .. until now! I haven’t posted in over two weeks!

     After the first week, I was still feeling okay about not writing. I was really busy, and when I tried to write, nothing happened. But once we were into the second week, I started to feel really burdened.

     I went through my usual routine and was not inspired at all. I was not comfortable with my lack of writing. I felt compelled to write, but did not have the time or the inspiration. I felt panicky, like I would never have another idea ever again.

     It became clear. I was not being open to God’s timing. I wanted things my way!

     The second area, a new ministry, was the other way God was trying to tutor me.

     I thought I had everything figured out. I had certain expectations about how all would proceed. Even though I had brought everything to prayer, and believed that the ministry was an answer to pray, I was unknowingly stuck in my own vision of how things should go.

     A dear friend would be involved in carrying out this ministry with me, but I was so intent in my own vision and expectations, that I was not only insensitive to their fears and needs, but felt threatened and frustrated by them.

     I wanted to push on to the next step and ignore this part that I didn’t like. I was not acknowledging my friends’ feelings and concerns. I had an agenda, and I wanted things to progress.

     With some embarrassment, I have to admit, I did not see this on my own. While speaking to another dear friend about this situation, she lovingly and courageously, pointed out my behavior. I was taken aback. I did not see it at all. I was so intent on moving forward, that I was willing to inadvertently, ignore or step over my friends’ apprehensions. My heart sank! How could I be so blind? Once again, I was putting my faith and trust in myself and my wants. I was not trusting God and His plan. If this ministry was something He wanted, it would move ahead in His good time. I did not trust that the obstacles that were placed in its way were something that my friend and I needed to address to make our relationship stronger. My focus had been on my goal and not on my friend. I needed to apologize, put my friend first, and give the ministry back to God. If God wants this, and He wants me to be a part of it, He will orchestrate everything. I needed to let go and take my place in the orchestra and allow Him to lead from His podium.

     There are just a few weeks of Lent left; I am not going to give up!

     My Papa knows me and loves me, in spite of all my shortcomings. He will continue to give me lessons and then have me practice till I get it right. It will more than likely take the rest of my life, till I achieve the faith of the saints.

     With God’s grace and an increase in the virtues of humility and perseverance, I will continue to develop an attitude of trust in the presence of God. I pray that my faith will be grow to acquire an openness to all that God reveals, does and invites in my life. My I learn to relish that I am not in control, but have faith in the fact that God is! 

   “What is faith? Faith is an attitude of trust in the presence of God. Faith is an openness to what God will reveal, do and invite. It should be obvious that in dealing with the infinite, all-powerful person who is God, we are never in control.

     “This is precisely what we see in the lives of the saints…. So, do not worry and depend on God for everything – have faith!”                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Bishop Robert Barron