Sarah and I

     I loved my sister Sarah very much and except when she was a “big shot” eighth grader and I was in her eyes, a “nerdy” sixth grader, we got along famously.

     Our names were often spoken in unison, like Peter and Paul, James and John, Simon and Jude. Where Sarah was, I was not far behind. We both felt very blessed, not only to be sisters, but very dear friends.

     Although Sarah and I were close and shared some similar interests, our personalities were quite different. Sarah was very outgoing; I was more reserved. She could handle multiple friendships; I preferred one or two really close friends. Sarah had our grandfather’s warped sense of humor; I was corny like our Dad. Sarah and I had different talents and interests, but that did not threaten our relationship in any way. Sarah was Sarah and I was me and that was good for both of us.

     So why was I experiencing feelings of inadequacy and a diminished self worth after the last number of times we were together? Next to my husband, she was one of my closest friends. This didn't make any sense to me. I dared not speak to Sarah about it, so I felt secretive, like I was hiding something from her.  Although I didn't understand what was happening within me, I realized I could not ignore my feelings. Our relationship was too important. I would have to pray about it, bring it to God and examine it carefully, to determine my next step.

     I begged and pleaded with God to shine light on my dilemma. And little by little, I began to see what was bothering me. I was at a place in my life where I was struggling with my own identity. Who I had been “all those years” all of a sudden, wasn't okay. I was experiencing a lot of changes in my life, and didn't know how to navigate the new waters. I thought if I was more like Sarah, I wouldn't have these problems. I looked at her gifts and talents as better than my own and felt a bit of jealousy. I also realized that the way Sarah seemed to thrive in large gatherings, magnified my feelings of inadequacy, and I began to resent that trait in her. I felt stunned by the depth of my wounds. Sarah had done nothing to provoke them: she was just being herself. I was not comfortable with who I was right now and didn't know what to do.

     I continued to ask God to help me to see just what it was He was trying to teach me in this situation. I felt like I was in a wrestling match between God and myself, and could not find peace. I needed to be enlightened by His grace to move from this place of angst.

     By the Providence of God, I was reading a book entitled, “To Know Christ Jesus,” by Frank Sheed. I was reading about the Wedding feast of Cana when these words hit me smack between the eyes: “Within a few minutes, Peter would have been holding the floor: it was his nature to. John would have attracted less notice: what matters to us is that he was meeting the woman who would be given to him on Calvary.”

     Oh my God! Thank You! That’s it! Sarah is as You have made her, and I’m the way You made me. And we are both good just the way we are!

     I didn't need to change and neither did Sarah. I needed to be gentler with myself and know that what I was experiencing would pass with time. I knew I needed to talk with Sarah and reveal my deep, dark secret – now that I understood it.

     Sarah was quite surprised to hear that I was feeling jealous of her. It was something that had never occurred to her. She shared with me how she sometimes wished that she had some of the gifts and talents that I had, and we both laughed. I told her how God had enlightened me with the story of Peter and John. It became clear to us that just as Peter and John were different, they were both chosen by God and loved by Him, as Sarah and I were. He was calling each of us to be the best version of ourselves and not clones of one another. He gave us the temperaments that we have so we can carry out His plan for each of us. As we ended our conversation, we both felt very good about ourselves and our relationship.

     Since that time, Sts. Peter and John have become very dear to both of us I can’t help thinking about Sarah when I read about St. Peter – and Sarah thinks about me when she reads about St. John. When I think about what could have happened to our relationship if I had ignored my feelings, I am grateful to God for the grace and courage He gave me to prayerfully look at the situation and deal with it. Sarah has been my lifelong companion, and my life would be diminished if she was not a big part of it.

     As we continue on our journey, both Sarah and I hope and pray that we will have many more years to share adventures here on earth. And when we reach our final destination of heaven, we will be quick to seek out Sts. Peter and John and have a heart to heart exchange with them.