“Create a clean
heart in me, O God, and a steadfast spirit renew within me.”
We were already into the second week of Lent, and I was a failure!
Part of my
feelings focused on the regret that because I was so scattered when Lent began,
I didn’t want to add anything unreasonable to my already full plate; therein
was the problem.
I “kinda thought”
I’ll do a little of this and a little of that. I did not want to set myself up
for failure. What little I did decide to do, I did miserably! These past two
weeks, my mind was all over the place, running from here to there. I realized suddenly
that I was stuck in my own little world of me…
Before Lent
began, I had been asking God to help me to overcome the feeling of jealousy
that comes over me at times. I had been trying to take note of the situations
when it’s happened, both in the present and in the past. I made a list of the
times and the situations when it had happened to try to bring something to
light. I was so distracted by this fault of mine and wanted to whisk it away
ASAP!
As I drove to
Mass that morning, I asked God for His forgiveness and His mercy. I had been so
preoccupied with myself, trying to control and fix things, and get answers, that
I had done very little for God. I felt ashamed that I had once again, become
self-centered and was still trying to take care of myself, and everything
around me.
I asked Papa, “What
do You want me to do?” Almost immediately the answer was “I want your will.”
Hold on. Is that You or me? It became clear that it was me and what I thought He
wanted. Papa’s answer quickly followed: “I want your heart. Your whole heart. I
want your love and attention. If I have your heart and your love, your will will
naturally follow, and you will learn to trust me more and receive what I give to
you and be satisfied.”
“Jesus meek and
humble of heart, make my heart as unto Thine.”
“In praying do
not babble like the pagans, who think they will be heard because of their many words.
Do not be like them. Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him” Matt 6:7-8.
“Which one of you would hand his son a
stone if he asks for a loaf of bread, or a snake when he asks for a fish? If
you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how
much more will the heavenly Father give good things to those who ask Him” Matt
7:9-11.
Adam and Eve
sinned and ruined God’s plan for them and us, by not trusting in what the Father
provided for them. They wanted to eat of the tree of knowledge. To be in charge
and orchestrate things. This is what I’ve been doing on so many aspects of my
life. Like our first parents, I think I know better than my Father, who loves
and knows me better than I know myself. I do not always trust that what God is
giving to me or has allowed by His permissive will, is for my good. I then
begin to doubt and question God. I become dissatisfied and feel sad. I want
answers! I want to understand the “why’s.” I grow impatient waiting for God to
act and become frustrated. Although I have learned not to act, my trust is not yet
strong and my restlessness increases. To compensate for the lack, I run to something
to distract me or look for something to fill my emptiness and discouragement.
“Discouragement….
springs from self-love and is a rebellion against our littleness and poverty.
We do more harm to ourselves by yielding to discouragement over our imperfections
than by falling through weakness, because we deprive ourselves of the means of
getting back up again. Discouragement shows too, how defective is our trust in
God. God comes to our help in proportion to our confidence and littleness,
measuring His gifts by our trust. The Lord needs nothing but our humility to
work His miracles and marvels. Such childlike trust makes us more apt for the
working of His consuming and transforming love” Sr. Mary David Todah, O.S.B.
I need to embrace
my littleness and poverty and stop believing I am God or acting like it. I want
to be at peace with what God gives to me, instead of feeling a lack or an inadequacy.
I long for His transforming love to renew my rebellious mind. I yearn for the
gift of freedom, to truly let go and trust in God’s goodness, love and His
provision. I know I have improved in this area since God brought it to my
attention many years ago, but it seems to be deeply rooted within me. I had
wrongly placed expectations upon God that He would reveal the origin of this
wound and eradicate it, but that has not happened. I have come to realize that,
try as I may, God will have to do it for me, when and if He sees fit. In the
meantime, I’ll have to cooperate by letting go and allow Him to do His work. I
need to grow in humility and descend.
“I clearly see
that you are taking the wrong road; you will never reach the end of your
journey. You want to scale a mountain, and the good God wills you make you descend….
It is Jesus who takes upon Himself to fill your soul according as you rid it of
imperfections” St. Therese of the Child Jesus.
I must be content
to walk in the valley of “not knowing or understanding everything.” I must continue
to do what I can, keeping my eyes and heart fixed on loving and trusting God. Until
I am able to embrace my littleness and poverty, I will not be able to give
myself completely to God; nor will He give Himself completely to me till I depend
totally upon Him receiving His graces, wisdom and provision as something good.
“O my God, You
make me realize how far I must descend in order that my heart may serve as a dwelling-place
for You: I must become so poor that I have no place whereon to lay my head. My
heart is not wholly emptied of self, and that is why You order me to descend.
Oh! I want to descend much lower, so that You will be able to rest Your divine head
in my heart and know that there You are loved and understood. O sweet, divine Guest,
You know my misery that is why You come to me in the hope of finding an empty
tabernacle, a heart wholly emptied of self. This is all You ask” St. Therese of
the Child Jesus.
“O Lord, my allotted
portion and my cup, You it is who holds fast my lot. For me the measuring lines
have fallen on pleasant sites; fair to me indeed is my inheritance” Psalm 16:5-6.
St. Therese,
please pray, please pray for me!
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