Trust--We Know the One Who Knows

      “Trust in the Lord with all you heart, on your own understanding rely not.” Proverbs 3:5

     As I awoke on New Years Day, 2024, a spirit of fear was threatening to take away my peace and acceptance.

     The last number of months had been extremely difficult and very uncertain. I was facing a new year and fear was trying its best to overwhelm me.

      Unbeknown to most of you, the pilgrimage to France that Jonathan and I experienced, turned out quite differently than we expected. 

     On the first evening with our pilgrimage group, Jon experienced heart misfunctioning, which caused him to collapse to the ground. This happened not once, but twice. We had to leave the group and spend most of our time in the hospital, in a foreign country where neither of us spoke the language. 

     To say it was challenging is an understatement! But with the prayers of so many, along with the angels God sent to aid and assist us, we eventually arrived home safely. I kissed the ground when we landed and was thrilled to be bringing Jon home alive!

     When we arrived home, there were many doctor appointments, as we tried to get to the bottom of things. Two medications were prescribed for him which are supposed to help Jon’s heart issues. Much is unclear and we are still on that journey, praying that some light may be shed on his precarious condition. We are waiting for more testing to be scheduled and hoping for the best. 

     In the midst of all that, we had a destructive leak in our bathroom. The water went through the living room ceiling. Part of the ceiling and walls had to be torn out, dried out, and replaced. Our dining room was filled with furniture from the living room.  There was dry wall dust everywhere! After all was cleaned, the whole room had to be painted. Our bathroom needed to be gutted and is slowly in the process of being put back together. We still have dry wall dust everywhere upstairs and I’m getting weary of cleaning it up. I do realize when things are all finished, I will be delighted with our new rooms, but for now I just want “normal.”

     On top of all that, we had all of the windows in our house replaced. It was planned since the summer, but we never dreamed it would be in the midst of all of this!

     Did I mention I was experiencing a lot of pain down my thigh? Oh yes. I discovered I had a bulging disk and am going to physical therapy to hopefully resolve it; at least I didn’t need surgery.

     And then there was a painful relationship with which I was experiencing, and unfortunately, unable to improve. Please God, You take over!

      I felt like I was being plagued on all sides and just wanted to hide. I wanted to go on retreat until situations improved but could not. So, I prayed, “Hide me in the shadow of Your wings, until the storms of destruction pass by.”  Psalm 57:1

     I kidded my husband that God had taken me at my word, “Lord, I want to be a saint!” Oh boy! I did not know what the requirements or conditions were.

      All kidding aside; life is difficult! But it is also wonderful, joyful, and full of mystery! We are all on this journey called life, to a better place called heaven. 

     At some point during Advent, I was finally able to completely give over Jon’s health issues. His heart condition had not really changed anything in regard to the time God will call him to Himself. That time has already been determined for each of us and Papa was calling me to trust. 

     With that in mind, I continued to take each moment as a gift and live life with a heart full of gratitude. I also began to feel compelled to do what I could to get our downstairs back in shape so we could host Christmas. Jonathan joined me in our quest, but we did have a backup plan in place, just in case. 

     During these challenges, we tried to bring light to our lives as well. One of our sons and daughter in law’s gave us an early Christmas gift to dinner and a show. It was a breath of fresh air, filled with laughter and lightheartedness. We also had planned a trip to Bethlehem, Pa with our church family and it was a delightful time for all! To put a cherry on the top of our Bethlehem trip, we were surprised with the birth of a new grandson. Patrick is our ninth grandson and our thirteenth grandchild! 

     It was a week before Christmas when it became clear that we could host! I was excited and sent a text to our children and their families the wonderful news.

     I began to wonder just why I felt so compelled to host. I had let it go early on, but at some point, it became a mission that we host Christmas dinner.

     I felt led to bring the question to prayer: Lord, why is this so important to me? Why do I feel compelled to make it happen? Is it to try to feel like things are “normal?” Is that it? 

     As I sat in conversation with Papa, a thought came to mind: Maybe this will be Jonathan’s last Christmas… Is that You, Lord, or me? I really wasn’t sure. 

     I continued wondering, questioning and the answer that struck me was, live the moment. Cherish your time together. Stay in the present moment and live intentionally. This could be your last Christmas…only I know. Live your life as a gift and trust Me completely!     

     I left my prayer time with a new mission and focus. 

     Things have gradually improved; in fact, were able to celebrate Christmas at our home. It was wonderful and full of life. I am so grateful to have Jonathan here with us and we are cherishing every moment.

     I have also been trying my best to have a grateful heart; to thank God for everything, even the difficulties. I could see how those were the times that tested my faith and trust in God, His goodness and love. He was calling me to grow more deeply in my trust in Him and with His grace, I had been doing better.

     But in spite of my good intentions, fear had crept in late on New Years Eve. Although I tried to ignore it, I was feeling vulnerable and allowed it to enter my being and overtake me!

     Why? Why did I do that? I had just reviewed 2023 with God earlier that afternoon in the chapel. I had thanked Him for both the blessings and challenges and for the graces to deal with both. I shared with Papa that even though I didn’t understand most of the challenges, I knew He loved me and that I would do my best to let go of my need to understand. 

     I told Him that I was aware that like the past year, this new year would contain both blessings and challenges. I asked for the grace I would need to navigate through them with Him. I prayed and beseeched Papa to help me to truly surrender everything to Him and to trust Him with all my heart. When I left the chapel, I did feel at peace. So, what happened?

     Later that evening, I unintentionally, began to go down the road of my imagination. I began to want to know and understand; to orchestrate and control things, people and situations. I started to worry about Jonathan’s heart condition. Why haven’t’ they done that test? Maybe this was his last Christmas. Will I be able to handle the future? How will this year end? My imagination was running full steam ahead and I had forgotten that trust IS a matter of faith. I wanted answers. I wanted to know. I was giving in to fear.

     My faith needed to be strengthened by God’s words and promises. 

     “Fear is useless; what is needed is trust.” Luke 8:50

     “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”  John 13:7  

     God’s word calmed me down. I clung on to it as a drowning person clings to a life raft. It became clear. I knew I was being called to trust. There are times in life when we will eventually understand but there ARE times, when we will not understand this side of heaven. But we must remember! We know the One who knows! He loves us more than we could ever imagine. God has called us to be saints and saints keep trying to trust, again and again and again… until they finally do!

     Corrie Ten Boom once said, “Faith is not knowing what the future holds, but knowing Who holds the future.”

     In this new year please join me in prayer, that I, along with all of you, my be able to let go of the need to know and understand the ins and outs of this life and come to KNOW and TRUST the ONE who does. 

     May we all grow in holiness and become a saint one day!