Relying on the Rock

     “Only in God be at rest my soul, for from Him comes my hope. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be disturbed.”                                         Psalm 62: 7

     I wanted so to pray that psalm in truth but could not. I was far from feeling peace…in fact, I was downright full of fear! I had experienced something traumatic, and the image was emblazed in my mind. It was haunting me! The scenario kept playing itself over and over in my memory, filling me with fear.

     The memory: Quite suddenly, and without warning, my husband went from one moment being very much alive and well, to sudden cardiac arrest. To put it mildly, I was stunned! It was like my worst nightmare had come true. I wanted to wake up from what seemed like a dream, but it was reality!

     I did not know what to do because I thought Jonathan was dead! His coloring was blue. He was lying on his face in vomit. His body was lifeless. 

     I turned him on his side and begged him to come back to me. I cleaned his face and then decided to call 911. All during this time, I prayed. I was operating in automatic pilot. I felt helpless and panic stricken. A million crazy thoughts filled my mind. I thought his life was over! 

     Several minutes passed and Jonathan began to make a weird sound from his throat. He did it a few times and began to stir. As the EMT’s were coming up our steps, I helped him sit up. He was dazed and did not know what was happening and why they were there. 

     I told him and the emergency personnel what had transpired, and they began an EKG. Within ten minutes, they took him by ambulance to the hospital.

     I drove to the hospital by myself. On my way, I called each of our children to tell them that I thought their dad had a heart attack and he had been taken by ambulance to the hospital. They were difficult calls to make but necessary. I wasn’t sure how things were going to work out and they needed to be prepared. As I finished the last call, I pulled into the parking lot.

     I walked up to the clerk in the emergency room and told her why I was there. The ambulance had not arrived yet. That frightened me a bit because they had left before me. Why weren’t they here? My imagination entertained the worst-case scenario: Jonathan was dead!

     The nurse told me to sit and wait and they would allow me to come back when Jon arrived. I began to pray a rosary and reminded myself to stay in the present moment and out of the bad neighborhood of my imagination.

     After about ten or fifteen minutes, they finally called me back. My husband was sitting in the bed, talking and kidding. Of course, I was pleased to see him that way, but felt perplexed at the same time. I knew what I had experienced in our home and now, except that we were in the E.R., he seemed perfectly himself. 

     Memories were coming back to him about what had happened: He felt warm, became dizzy and remembered seeing a light. The next thing he remembered was seeing the emergency personnel and wondering why they were there. 

     Our daughter and son-in-law arrived, and they were surprised to see how good he seemed. Jon immediately began to tell our daughter, who works with him, what needed to be done the next day. We were all pleasantly surprised that his memory seemed good, having been “out of it” for four to five minutes. Thank You, God!

     We were in touch with our other children to keep them posted about Jon’s status and encouraged them to stay home. Initial testing done that night, ruled out certain things. It was decided to admit him to do further testing of his heart. 

     My husband continued to feel good and didn’t think they would find anything wrong. I, on the other hand, having witnessed what he went through, prayed like crazy that a cause would be found.

     Thanks be to God; they performed a test that was conclusive. The doctor was able to replicate what happened that night. When he placed the electrical probe in a particular area in Jon’s heart, his heart stopped. Of course, they were prepared for this to happened and brought him back immediately. A defibrillator would be implanted. They could not fix the problem, but this would be a “life insurance” device that would operate if necessary.

     I felt elated and so grateful to God that they were able to find the culprit and put in place a backup plan. They implanted the defibrillator, made sure it and my husband were good to go, and he was discharged later that evening. 

     We had arrived at the hospital on Monday evening, and he was discharged by Wednesday evening. Although I was happy with him being discharged, I had really hoped to have spoken to the surgeon. We both had questions to be answered to relieve some fears. Although we were given instructions and restrictions, I found myself becoming somewhat anxious.

     Jonathan was happy to be home and looked forward to sleeping in our bed. He kidded that he was returning to the scene of the “event.” I just smiled wryly.

     At mass the next morning, my eyes suddenly filled up with tears. The reality of all that had happened struck me hard. I had been thanking and praising God for bringing Jon back to me, but I began to worry. I tried to let it go, but the image of my husband’s lifeless body haunted me. I prayed and asked God for His help to focus on the miracle of Jonathan coming back to life without any human intervention. I was well aware that it was divine assistance, and wanting to praise God but I was caught in fear instead. 

     I began to hover over my husband and fear the worst when he was in another room and did not answer when I called. I was being tormented by the evil one who wanted to affect my relationship with God in a negative way. I seemed to be trapped in his snare.

     I received the Sacrament of Reconciliation and confessed my struggles. The priest was very kind and gentle with me and gave me good counsel to guide me. I knew God’s grace was received, even if I didn’t feel any difference. 

     I was still struggling two days later and asked our pastor if I could receive the Sacrament of the Sick. Jon had received it to help him with his recovery. I knew I needed help in my recovery as well. 

     Emotionally I felt somewhat better by the end of the day, until a relational issue reared its ugly head. The fear returned. The devil did not want me to feel the peace of God and I allowed him to play havoc with me. I once again was running down the road of my imagination. I felt helpless and out of control. God, please help me!

     I kept talking to family and friends and trying to heed their advice to be gentle with myself and not expect to be back to normal so soon. What I experienced was very traumatic and I needed to give myself some time to recover as well.

     There was another concern that was plaguing me: a planned pilgrimage to France!! It was only five weeks away. Would he be allowed to go? Would he have the stamina needed by that time? How would the decision be made? How would we know if it were safe for him? Experiencing medical problems at home is bad enough, but let alone France, where English is not spoken. These thoughts added to my anxiousness. What is happening to me? Lord, please make it all clear!!!!

     I decided to call the doctor to ask what he thought. We were told it would be discussed on Jon’s follow up visit, which is two weeks from out trip! 

     God was asking me to trust. He wanted me to let go of the fear and rest in Him. I’d like to say that happened easily, but it did not. I needed several more day of prayer, reassurance, talking to family, friends, and my husband. I needed to give myself the permission to cry and release all the anxiety and stress I was holding in. 

     God sent me three people who absolutely love me, along with my husband so I could reveal to them all that was going on inside of me. I needed to cry and allow myself to be human, remembering that God IS with me regardless of what happens. Papa showed me that startling night, when He brought my husband back to me. God also sent me three little signs to reassure me and teach me how intimately He is involved in my life. The first lifted an unnecessary burden I had been carrying. The second was just a sweet gift and the third was a hope that the pilgrimage may happen.

     May I ask for your prayers that whatever is best for Jonathan, and I is what works out for our trip? Although I may be disappointed if we have to cancel, I truly do want what is best for us. God is the only one who knows that and He’s asking me to trust that He will work through the doctor in coming to a decision. 

     Please pray for a full recovery for my husband and me as well.

     Please pray also, that I can allow God to be my rock and my stronghold and find rest in Him, allowing Him to be my hope!

     “Trust in Him at all times, O my people! Pour out your hearts before Him; God is our refuge! Psalm 62:9