Monday, September 10, 2018

So Many Grains of Wheat!

     “We know that all things work for good for those who love God” (Rm 8:28).

      ALL things! Not just good things or some things – God’s Word clearly states ALL things!

     As I sat in the chapel during a retreat, I allowed those words to penetrate and saturate my mind and heart. I desperately wanted and needed to believe that statement at this particular time. I have been having a difficult time lately with needed changes within myself – new changes in my behavior and with my reactions!

     God is continuing to purify me in ways that are challenging and painful. He is also pointing out my bad habits and faults through the reaction of others. My mind is growing weary from having to think so much of what to say, how to act and how to respond in many areas in my life.

     I am tired of being purified. I didn’t realize how much I still needed to change. God is showing me that some of the behaviors I had practiced out of necessity as a child and have carried into my adult relationships, do not work. I need to change and wonder if it is possible – and if possible, will it really make much of a difference? A difference worth all of the confusion and uncertainty I am now experiencing?    

     “Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit” (Jn 12: 24).

     Why, I thought, do I still have so many grains of wheat which need to die? I want to produce good fruit. I want to be a fruitful vine with rich, plump fruit, but the work entailed to achieve that, seems gargantuan! I wonder if I’m really up to it? I wish I could change history so all the wounds from my past were healed. I wish I didn’t have to work so hard to become the woman God has called me to be from all eternity. I wish there was an easier way!

     “O Papa,” I prayed, “You are asking me to believe that everything that ever happened to me, You can use for my good. I want to believe this with all my heart. It’s just that I’m getting weary trying to change the behaviors that I’ve practiced for years to try to survive, as well as all my faults that others have been revealing to me. I feel so overwhelmed right now, which makes me realize that I’ve left the present moment, where Your grace is there to help me. I have run ahead into the future, looking at the rest of my life and feel burdened! I must not do this. I must stay in the present, look at the truth and not give in to the temptations and lies of the devil. Sure, it will take some time and effort on my part to make changes, but when I look at how You’ve already helped me in the last few months, I feel encouraged. I need to remember that You want me to be free and not a slave to anyone or anything. Please help me to remember that I am not alone. You are with me and will give me the grace that I need to overcome myself. I need to remember that when I am tempted to fall back to my old behavior. Help me to take the time to pray to the Holy Spirit for guidance and direction. Help me to run to You when I need Your help and not to rely on myself. Help me not to be afraid, but to trust that You can use all these situations for my good. I do not have to try to make it work all by myself, but I do have to listen to You and have the faith, trust and courage to take the next step. Thank You Papa! I love You so!”

     Life IS downright challenging at times! As Catholics, we are called to be saints and one day to be in perfect union with God. That will not happen until our wills are inline with God’s will and our love is perfected to be like His. This is not something that will happen overnight, but with God’s grace and our cooperation, it is possible. It is something that God does want for us – we have to want it as well and not throw in the towel when we feel weary.

     Pray and don’t lose heart! Ask Jesus for His help. Have courage and take the next step in front of you, realizing you are following in the footsteps of Jesus and His saints!

     
    
    
     
    
    

1 comment:

  1. Oh Avia Joy, why is dying to self so painful & difficult?! Help us all Papa to trust & live in the present! Thank you for your words of wisdom.

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