A Gift Well Hidden

      I wanted to ignore or deny my negative feelings. After all, we are celebrating the Resurrection of Jesus. He IS risen! Alleluia!

     I should feel joyous. I should feel happy and blessed, but instead, I feel stuck in Lent.

     What is wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way? 

     Sure, life has been crazy and busy, but when isn’t it? I always try to balance my busyness with quiet prayer, daily Mass and visits to the Blessed Sacrament. I do my best to keep God a priority and stay in the liturgical seasons of the Church. I do what I can to stay connected to God, so why do I feel so alone and forlorn?

     I knew I needed to examine and look at myself. But my mind was so muddled that I was not able to put a finger on the reason for my feelings. I had been so busy with one event happening after another, that I could not stop the spinning long enough to truly see. On top of that, I was out of touch with my usual “sounding boards,” who help me to see the “forest from the trees.” I had even journaled several times, in a futile attempt to connect with God and myself.  Yet, I felt alone in a deep dark forest, and could not make my way to daylight.

     As Providence would have it, a good friend called and we talked. I shared my dilemma with her. Even though I had journaled the burdens I was carrying, by giving them a “voice” and speaking them out loud, it was helpful. She too was experiencing burdens, just different from mine. In listening to me, she could see that we were both being taunted by the devil, not accept the cross that God was asking us both to carry at this particular time. The devil was taunting us, as he had Jesus.

     “If You are the Son of God, come down from the cross! Let Him come down from the cross and we will believe in Him ( Mt 27:40, 42).

     Even though this was the Easter season, God was asking that we continue to carry His cross. He was giving us a chance to share in His passion. This was a gift, not a punishment. It was an opportunity to be co-redeemers with Christ and make an offering for those who do not or will not. It was just not something I expected during this “alleluia” time, but truth be told, it was starting to make sense.

     Part of the burden I was carrying, was the thought of all those who do not know God, all those who do not love God, all those who do not recognize Christ as God, or that He became man, lived, suffered, died on a cross for them and rose from the dead to open the Kingdom of Heaven. The other part of the burden was the thought of all those who celebrated Easter and forgot the One whom we are celebrating, and the deep desire of Christ’s heart for the love and unity of all His Father’s children.

     It became clear that my temptation was to deny Christ as Savior, because my idea of how things should be, had not yet arrived. We were still divided, forgetful, and unloving sinners in desperate need of God’s love and mercy.

     But Christ’s death was not in vain! I must remember that He IS victorious! I must not be like the disciples on the road to Emmaus who were downhearted after Jesus’ death – “but we were hoping that He would be the one to redeem Israel” (Lk 24: 21).

     And Jesus said to them, “Oh, how foolish you are! How slow of heart to believe all that the prophets spoke! Was it not necessary that the Christ should suffer these things and enter into His glory?” (Lk 24:25).

     As part of Christ’ body on earth, I cannot expect to experience the glory of the Lord, without participating in His suffering and His cross. Jesus made that clear to His disciples, “If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross and follow Me” (Lk 9:23).

     If I take my discipleship seriously, I must expect the cross, regardless of the liturgical season. God will use it, not only for my own salvation, but for those that I love, as well as for the whole world.

     It is my prayer and hope that one day, I may see my cross more easily and accept it, as the gift it is meant to be, and be united to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!